It’s not uncommon for me to hear that a new client feels their spouse is a narcissist. Divorce is challenging in any circumstance but this one can take the cake in terms of conflict and emotional exhaustion. Whether your partner has been diagnosed with NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) or displays many of the traits, there are important considerations for how to approach divorce that are less important when divorcing in general.
The most challenging narcissistic traits
- Belief that they are unique and superior
- Need for excessive admiration
- Lack of empathy and compassion
- Interpersonal exploitativeness
- Hypersensitivity to criticism
- Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.
Many people don’t realize that what’s at the root of all the boasting and bragging a narcissist does is a deep insecurity. This makes dealing the reaction of telling a narcissist that you are done with the relationship particularly hard. Nobody likes being rejected, but a narcissist finds rejection intolerable.
Divorcing a narcissist
Navigating a marital relationship with a narcissist presents significant psychological and emotional challenges; however, the process of divorcing a narcissist can be even more complex and distressing. Ending the relationship may trigger what is referred to as a narcissistic injury—a profound blow to the individual’s self-esteem resulting from perceived rejection or loss of control. This injury frequently elicits heightened hostility, emotional reactivity, and vindictive behavior. The narcissist may engage in manipulative tactics aimed at reasserting dominance, preserving their self-image, or retaliating. Such behaviors may include:
- Prolonged legal conflict: Deliberate obstruction or escalation of divorce proceedings as a means of control or punishment.
- Psychological manipulation: Gaslighting, spreading misinformation, or badmouthing the former partner.
- Parental alienation or triangulation: Using kids or mutual friends in an attempt to destroy relationships.
- Feigning victimization: Assuming a victim role to get sympathy and discredit the other person.
Understanding and anticipating these behaviors can aid in reducing distress and facilitating a safer, more structured divorce process.
Tips for navigating a divorce with a narcissist
- Find a competent lawyer experienced in high-conflict or narcissistic divorce cases. Ensure they understand tactics such as parental alienation.
- Prepare for prolonged proceedings and set realistic expectations around how long it may take to get divorced and how much it will cost. Also don’t expect empathy, cooperation, or closure from your partner. Recognize that “winning” for the narcissist often means continuing conflict, not resolution. Focus on protecting your own well-being and long-term goals.
- Prioritize safety. If there’s any threat of emotional, financial, or physical abuse, create a safety plan. Consult domestic violence resources even if the abuse is primarily psychological. Secure financial documents, passwords, and other important information early in the process.
- Document everything. Keep a written record of all interactions (emails, texts, voicemails, etc.). Detail incidents of manipulation, threats, or abuse. Use communication tools like OurFamilyWizard which provide court-admissible records.
- Set and maintain boundaries. Limit communication to written formats when possible and avoid emotional engagement or reactive behavior—narcissists often provoke conflict to get control. Use the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) when you do need to communicate.
- Protect the kids (if you have them). If custody is involved, push for a structured parenting plan and keep all child-related communication child-focused and documented.
- Seek Professional Support. Hire a divorce coach or therapist who specializes in high-conflict divorce and understands narcissistic abuse.
Getting support
Do you need support in your journey in divorcing a narcissist? Contact me and let’s get started!
