Direction

discernment coaching
Communication  ·  Direction  ·  Divorce Process
What is Discernment Coaching?

Discernment Coaching is a short-term, structured process designed for couples who are uncertain whether they want to stay together or separate. The process focuses on helping each partner gain clarity and confidence about the future of their relationship, whether that means moving forward together or choosing to part ways. This coaching is especially helpful when one partner is leaning out of the relationship while the other is leaning in and hoping to save it. This is part of my Contemplating Divorce Services. 

The Goals of Discernment Coaching:

  • To gain a deeper understanding of what has happened in the relationship.
  • To explore each person’s contributions to the current dynamic.
  • To make a thoughtful and informed decision about the next steps.

What to Expect:

  • A short-term process, between 3 to 5 sessions.

  • Each session is conducted with the couple. There are no secrets.

  • A safe, nonjudgmental space to explore your options without pressure.
  • Support in making a clear, respectful, and intentional decision, whether that’s to work on the relationship, separate, or take more time to decide.

What the Difference between Discernment Coaching and Discernment Counseling?

One of the biggest differences between discernment coaching and discernment counseling is the focus. Discernment counseling (provided often by a licensed mental health provider) may touch on deeper emotional and psychological issues within the relationship. It may include more exploration of emotional trauma, past patterns, or mental health issues. Discernment coaching focuses on future-oriented decision-making and clarity, not on diagnosing or treating psychological issues. It is also more action-oriented and goal-driven; helping clients arrive at a clear decision about the direction of the relationship. Both can be extremely beneficial, but you need to decide which is right for you. 

Getting support

Contact me if discernment coaching sounds right for you!

August 13, 2025

Direction  ·  Identity
A Shift in Identity after Divorce

Those family decal stickers for your rear car window were all the rage when I went through my divorce. I remember proudly displaying one that matched my family’s status – a barbequing dad, a mom with shopping bags, two happy children, and two adorable dogs. Having that identity for myself and my kids brought a certain feeling of stability and pride. One day shortly after we split I spotted another car with a similar family decal. My heart dropped.  I felt like an imposter.  The next day I hid in the garage and scraped the window until the decal was finally off. Well, mostly off.  A faint outline of the BBQ man remained. I didn’t know it then but that was the beginning of a long journey of acceptance to shift in identity after divorce.

The beginning of the journey

How easily we accept the shift in identity after divorce is determined by two factors: how much we accept/resist and how much support we get from the people around us.

My wish for every divorcing person is that their friends and family members will treat them with the same compassion and empathy they would someone who lost a spouse through death. What people fail to recognize is that divorce is filled with a myriad of loses and most divorcing people go through a grieving process.  Many divorcing people feel alone and alienated instead of cherished and supported.  One day you are part of the married circle and the next you are not. Feeling different from those around you can be challenging. 

Our own attitude

One of the most predictive ways to determine how much you will struggle during this transition is your own mindset. Take some time to journal or talk to a friend or coach about what you believe about being divorced.

Here are some other common beliefs that can lead to more suffering:

  1. Religious beliefs about marriage and divorce
  2. Feeling that a two parent home is better than a single parent home
  3. That the end of your marriage is a sign you’re a failure
  4. Other people are judging you
  5. You won’t be happy until you find another partner
  6. That you can’t learn the things your spouse did for your family
  7. That being single is worse than having a relationship (even a difficult one)

Do you identify with any of those statements? What might be possible if you chose to believe the opposite?

The upside of being single

Many people fight being single because they view it so negatively. After my divorce I enjoyed reading stories about happy single people and authors who touted the benefits of being single. It took quite a while to change my mindset about being single but once I did, I found that I suffered a lot less. Here are some surprising and fun things I’ve learned or have heard from clients about being single:

1. Parenting can actually be easier – you can rely solely on your decision making for in-the-moment parenting choices
2.  Being single means setting up your house in a way that makes you feel good without having to consider someone else’s desires or wants
3. You feel less judged about how you spend your time, who you spend it with, what you eat, what time you go to bed and get up
4. If you have a split parenting schedule you have more time for personal pursuits and richer friendships
5. You no longer care as much about what your in-laws think or have to put up with your spouses friends that you never cared for
6. You can spend your money on things you care about
7. You can focus on self-care with less guilt
8. You will learn new skills and have a sense of accomplishment
9. You can choose to attend religious, sporting or other events of your liking
10. You can deepen relationships with your kids that focuses on you as an individual parent instead of a parenting pair. 

Knowing who you are now

Approaching your new identity with curiosity is something I encourage. Who do you want to be now? How do you want to show up in your relationships differently with yourself, your friends, family and children? When you are single you have the ability to do the work to figure this out. Take the time to get to know yourself again.

Getting support

Having a divorce coach can help you normalize your experience and help you with your identity shift.  Contact me to feel less alone and let’s get started.

September 25, 2022

Direction  ·  Divorce Process
Running the Divorce Mediation Gauntlet: Part Two

Coping with divorce mediation stress

Manage your expectations

Often your experience of a difficult situation is impacted by your expectations going into it.  Checking your expectations about how other parties will act, how you will react, and the process will help you understand how your expectations are impacting your mediation experience and how they will impact your divorce mediation stress.

  1. The mediator. A mediator’s job is to get you and your spouse to come to an agreement on important elements of your divorce settlement. Many people expect because the mediator is a neutral party, their interactions with them will also feel neutral. This is not often the case.  During the process, they may ask you to consider your spouse’s point of view, compromise, or consider your child’s needs above your own. These requests can be triggering and may make you feel angry and defensive.
  2. Your spouse. How your spouse normally deals with conflict may give you an idea of how they will handle divorce mediation stress. Are they prone to angry outbursts and unkind words? Do they act differently in front of others, caring about how they look, or do they care little about other’s perceptions of them? Maybe they shut down in the face of conflict. Do they get stubborn and dig their heels in at even small points of compromise? How do they feel about your mutual assets, the money they’ve earned during your marriage and your role in the household?
  3. You. I’ve had many clients express surprise and/or disappointment with themselves for how they reacted during a mediation. Your spouse has been an intimate partner and most likely knows your hot buttons. Thinking about how you can most effectively deal with being triggered will make you more prepared. Also consider how you typically deal with conflict. Come to the table in good faith and with the desire to reach an agreement. Visualize acting in a way that will make you leave with your head held high.
  4. The process. How do you expect the process to go? How many meetings do you assume it will take to come to an agreement on all mediated issues? Expecting the process to go quickly is a mistake many people make. Expecting it to be mostly smooth is another mistake. Expecting that you will get everything you want will most likely result in you going to court.  Clients who get a clear understanding from their mediator about the range of what is typical in terms of time, number of meetings, etc. have a much easier time managing their own expectations. Push yourself to be realistic when you hear what’s normal for other people and it will help you manage your divorce mediation stress.

Preparation

  1. Define what good self-care means to you and practice it in the days coming up to mediation. Get a good night’s sleep and eat healthy food.
  2. Put some thought into what will make you feel supported during the mediation. Consider bringing a favorite water bottle, snacks, paperwork, a notebook and pen, and the phone number of your attorney or a support person in case you need to reach them during a break.
  3.  Plan what you will wear – choose clothes that make you feel confident and comfortable.
  4.  Review strategies with  a friend or your divorce coach like breathing and asking for breaks if you get triggered.
  5. Keep yourself from going into a negative spiral of anger and anxiety right before the meeting. Try to keep calm and remind yourself you have your own back and can be open to the process.

Coping strategies for the day of the mediation

  1. Stay attuned to your emotional and physical state. Notice signs that indicate you’re becoming dysregulated like shallow breaths, feeling like you have a lump in your throat, tenseness, knots in your stomach and redness in your face.  As soon as you feel triggered, use a mindfulness strategy to keep yourself from escalating further. Your goal is to avoid shutting down or reacting in a way that may worsen the conflict.
  2. Ask for a break. Go outside and take a walk or call a friend.  Brainstorm ideas about shifting your mindset or being more clear and effective in your communication when you return. If it’s a legal issue that’s got you tripped up, call your attorney if they aren’t already present.
  3. If you hear something triggering, instead of verbalizing or interrupting, write down your thought instead. This will give you a minute to pause and to think about how you want to respond in a rational instead of an emotional way.  Or maybe you’ll decide it’s not worth responding at all. Sometimes ignoring an attempt by your spouse to get a rise out of you, is the most powerful thing you can do.
  4. Speak up for what you want from the divorce without making demands. Back up your reasoning with facts and provide an explanation for your point of view. A mediator can help you come together based on facts when you can’t see eye-to-eye emotionally. For example, if you want to ask for alimony (also called spousal maintenance in several states) and you haven’t been in the workforce for many years, explain that it’s because you’ll need job retraining or a money to earn a degree to get a job that will support you from then on.
  5. Know what you are willing to accept before you enter the room. If something is offered that you think is reasonable, say so. Many people regret not taking a good offer when it comes along because they don’t trust their decision-making or think that they can hold out for something better.
  6. Don’t treat mediation like a couples therapy session. Pay close attention to what the mediator is asking from you and provide an answer that is based on the desired outcome, not your exes past behavior. For example, if the mediator asks you to propose a custody schedule, don’t start listing all the reasons your ex isn’t a great dad.

After the mediation

If you anticipate that the mediation will be difficult, make an appointment with your divorce coach or counselor to see them shortly after. Knowing that you can process the event may give you some peace of mind and feelings of support. Be gentle with yourself no matter how it goes.

Getting support

Don’t have a divorce coach and need someone who can support you through your mediation process? I’d love to help you through the process so it feels less like you’re running a  gauntlet alone and more like you’re ready to start your new life with promise. Contact me and let’s get started.

August 16, 2022

divorce mediation
Direction  ·  Divorce Process
Running the Divorce Mediation Gauntlet: Part One

Running a gauntlet might conjure up images of being judged and tortured from all angles as you work your way towards a goal. While the divorce mediation process doesn’t have to be torture, many of my divorce coaching clients identify it as one of the most stressful moments in their lives. Knowing how to prepare and to cope is something I often help them with and today I’m sharing some of those thoughts with you. 

Divorce Mediation: How did I get here?

Divorce mediation is considered a form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), which is an alternative path from a court or judge decided divorce. It is conducted by a trained and neutral third party, often an independent attorney or mental health provider. Some people come to mediation after hiring an attorney and some go before or instead of hiring an attorney. Mediation is often used to help a divorcing couple come to an agreement on sensitive topics like child custody, child support, and division of assets.  Mediation is only necessary when the divorce is contested in some area. If the couple can agree on all aspects of the split, they do not need a mediator.  In mediation, the couple makes all the decisions, and the parties aren’t forced to reach a settlement.

You and your spouse may have agreed to go to mediation or your state may have required it.  Especially when child custody and visitation rights are disputed, many states require that divorcing spouses go to mediation.  Most court-mandated mediation is free or is provided at a low cost but not all issues in the divorce are handled in this mediation setting.

Divorce Mediators: How to find a good one?

Often people find a mediator in the same way they find a divorce attorney. Getting a personal recommendation from friends or family can be a good way, particularly if they had their own mediation experience with the professional. Sometimes your marriage therapist or divorce coach will also have a recommendation so don’t be shy about asking them. Check with your state to make sure you hire someone who is properly licensed or meets the minimum training requirements for your state. Some states have professional ADR associations that will list qualified mediators. The Academy of Professional Family Mediators, a national organization also maintains a list of mediator members. 

Divorce Mediators: Who to choose?

I always recommend meeting or talking to a mediator before hiring them. It’s a good idea to come up with a list of more than two mediators you’d be happy to work with in case your spouse does not agree with your first choice.  Here are some other important considerations in hiring a divorce mediator:

Experience & Specific Knowledge

Only work with a mediator with appropriate divorce mediation training. Don’t be shy about asking them how many cases they’ve mediated and how they define a successful mediation. Any mediator you hire should be familiar with your state’s divorce laws on the topics at issue in your case.

Consider the most important sticking points in your divorce currently. Are they financial? Related to child custody or visitation? Hiring a mediator with expertise in those areas can be invaluable.  When there are multiple points of contention in your divorce, you may find that a mediator who is also an attorney is a good bet as they are seasoned family law professionals.

Cost

Most mediators charge by the hour.  Mediators that are also attorneys often charge the same hourly rate for non-mediation work.  Mediators who are not attorneys typically charge less.  Other mediators or mediation services charge by the session or offer a flat fee. Usually the mediation costs are split by the divorcing couple. Additional fees for filing paperwork and court fees are often not included so make sure you get a full picture of what a mediator’s service entails.

Personality

Hiring any professional requires trusting that they can do the job effectively and efficiently.  Hire someone who is calm, fair, and listens well.  A good mediator doesn’t dominate conversations with their opinions or push parties into agreeing to things they aren’t comfortable with.

Preparing for Mediation

Before the meeting, mediators will often ask for written information about the divorce. Some mediators require both spouses to submit necessary financial documents as well. Depending on the mediator’s rules, individuals may bring their lawyer to the meeting. Some mediators allow a friend or support person to accompany each party, so if this is something that might be helpful for you, check with them first. If you don’t understand the details of the meetings like whether you will be in the same room as your spouse, how long it will last, etc. make sure you ask and get this clarification beforehand. 

Should I hire an attorney if I don’t already have one?

While this is a highly personal decision, here are some things to consider:

  1. As a neutral third party, your mediator can’t tell you if you’re making a good or bad deal in your divorce. 
  2. How well do you know your state divorce laws? If you are worried that you don’t know the law well enough to protect your rights during mediation, it may be time to consider hiring an attorney. 
  3. If you hire an attorney at this stage find one who is familiar not just with family law but also with the mediation process in your state. A lawyer can help you with negotiation techniques, explain legal concepts, and review agreements, making sure they are valid and protects your rights.
  4. Does your spouse have an attorney? Leveling the playfield is smart if they are working with one. If they do not, it’s important to consider what they’ve communicated to you about retaining attorneys. Hiring an attorney when your spouse is adamantly against it may create more tension in the process. However, if you feel your spouse isn’t being honest about having an attorney, that is another factor to consider. 
  5. There are complex issues like child custody and asset division. An alternative to consider in addition or instead of hiring an attorney would be hiring a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst), business evaluator or child custody specialist. 
  6. Cost. Hiring an attorney and paying for a mediation process can be costly.  But, while you might save money, many people find it worth it, in the long run, to consult with an attorney to make sure they aren’t giving up valuable rights or taking on extra responsibilities in the settlement agreement. Having your attorney at your mediation is also likely to cost more than consulting with them on an as-needed basis during the mediation or connecting with them afterward. 

 

Up next…

How to cope during the mediation

August 15, 2022

to stay or go
Co-Parenting  ·  Direction  ·  Life  ·  Single Mom
To Stay or Go? Some Important Considerations

When considering whether to stay or go in your marriage or long-term relationship, the agony is often palpable.  I don’t believe anyone can answer this question for you, but a coach and/or therapist can help by asking you thoughtful questions to help you arrive at your own decision. When I work with clients, I ask them to consider a few key things.

You can leave for any reason that feels right to you

You might think that in order to leave a situation (a relationship, a job, etc.) your suffering has to be so bad, that there is no other reasonable choice. While I encourage you to exhaust all possibilities to make a relationship work (couples therapy, retreats, talking to religious clergy,  living apart, etc.), making the decision to call it quits before things get really ugly is a gift to you, your spouse, your kids or anyone else in your life.  Leaving when things are at their absolute worst, often creates a hostile environment for divorce settlement and fighting over custody and other important issues.

Imagine what relief you might feel ending your relationship while you still had some goodwill and respect for your partner. If you are a parent, imagine how much more smooth co-parenting might go. Maybe you struggle to think about your spouse in a positive light.  Start by considering your relationship and your partner holistically.  List all of their positive traits. Ask yourself these questions:

  1. What do I like most about my partner?
  2. Why did I choose them in the beginning?
  3. How have they grown in our relationship?
  4. How do they show up well in other areas and relationships in their lives?
  5. What important things have they taught me?

You make your own happiness

We have been told and often buy into the idea that it is our partner’s job to make us happy and feel loved. With this model, loving someone becomes very transactional. You do what your partner wants so they feel good and then they do what you want in return. It’s often how relationships begin – you feel generous and loving and you do nice things for your partner.  Your partner does the same for you. This reciprocity of loving actions helps you “fall in love.”  You feel amazing about the kind of partner you are and amazing about the kind of partner they are.  Inevitably, this intense focus isn’t sustainable and one or both of you feel disappointed over time.

I find the information in the book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman valuable, but it’s important to recognize these as preferences, not absolutes. Do you have a list of things your partner must do for you (or not do) in order to feel loved? Do you withhold love when they do not live up to your standards? This tit-for-tat approach often results in a stalemate – each partner only providing love or loving actions conditioned on the other’s behavior. As you can imagine, loving feelings do not blossom when there is a climate of criticism.  Your relationship starts to break down when your partner feels criticized for not loving you the way you want to be loved. Criticism breeds resentment, resentment breeds contempt and this often leads to throwing in the towel. Consider the mental and emotional toll alone for this score-keeping behavior. It’s one of the main reasons marriage experts, John and Julie Gottman labeled criticism as one of the “four horsemen.”

Perhaps you are the one feeling judged or criticized by your partner. Consider this – your partner’s criticisms are often a reflection of their own insecurities, and not of you. What they judge and criticize you for are most likely things they like least about themselves.

What is the harm in believing that someone else’s job is to love us the way we demand to be loved? First, if you believe that you can only feel love when someone else provides it, you are completely dependent on them to feel good.

When you give someone else the responsibility to make you feel a certain way, you rob yourself of your personal power.

What is the alternative? What if you decided it was your job to make yourself happy and your partner’s job to make themselves happy? Take a look again at the list of things you think your partner has to do for you to feel loved. What can you choose to give yourself instead of depending on them for it? You may find that what you crave most is actually more satisfying when you give it to yourself.

Additionally, what if you choose to love your partner just because you wanted to?  Might you feel less judged and less judgemental of them?  Might you see your partner more clearly – as a human being with flaws and natural defenses quite like your own?

In the end, you may decide that leaving is best, and that’s totally okay. But loving yourself first and providing your own happiness will only serve you well in future relationships.

There may or may not be someone else out there that’s a better fit

If you’ve changed or grown quite a bit since you first met your partner, and you believe they haven’t grown or changed in the same way, you may no longer be compatible in many key ways. In considering whether to stay or go, it is important to examine the nature of what has changed. A few good questions to ask yourself are, “do I still fundamentally respect my partner and do we still share the same core values?”  Another good question is “would I still choose this person now if I just met them?”  

It is easily to slip into the fantasy that there is a much better partner out there and that a new person will have the good qualities of your current partner, but none of the bad. This “grass is greener” mentality can lead to a very disappointing outcome.  All people come with their own flaws, emotional hurts, and defenses. 

On the contrary,  you might feel that if you leave your current partner who may be a very bad fit for you, that you will have “wasted time.” I encourage you to consider that no time or experience is a “waste” but just a set of circumstances that led you to who and where you are now. 

You can stand or like being alone at least in the short-term

There’s one common denominator in every relationship you are in – you! If you don’t like yourself much, having a different partner is unlikely to change that. Maybe your worst fear is “being alone.” Are you staying in your relationship out of fear of facing yourself? Maybe you feel you’ve “lost yourself” in your relationship. Whether you are in a relationship or not, you can always choose to get to know yourself better. I encourage clients to read books, listen to podcasts, talk to me and/or a therapist to learn about themselves. 

Falling in love with your own company is the best gift you can possibly give yourself.

Imagine really liking yourself and knowing your preferences. Removing the fear of “being alone” gives you a much better perspective about yourself, your partner and your relationship. Being alone for now also doesn’t mean being alone “forever.” Your romantic relationship should also not be fulfilling all of your social needs. A balanced social life includes relationships with family and friends. If you find that you are not in balance, consider deepening existing relationships or creating new ones. If you leave your current partner, there may be more space in your life that you will want to fill – but consider this an opportunity instead of a burden. What might you learn? Who might you become? 

If you are considering leaving your partner and want a thinking partner, I would love to work with you. Together we can explore your current situation, where your thoughts might be getting you stuck, and how you can move forward with intention. 

December 27, 2021

Ask Divorce Coach
Ask Divorce Coach  ·  Direction  ·  Single Mom
Ask Divorce Coach – August

This one is all about considering divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I’m becoming more and more unhappy in my marriage as the pandemic drones on. Spending more time with my husband has brought out the worst in both of us. We’ve only been married for three years but I’m feeling like I’m trapped and that I made a mistake marrying him. He’s not willing to see a marriage therapist and although he admits things are bad, he doesn’t seem to feel as strongly as I do about a possible divorce. I feel like I need to decide quickly – I am in my late thirties and want to have kids. The way I see my husband treat our dogs is what is really making me question having kids with him. He is very strict and even borderline abusive to them. When I imagine him with a child I feel scared. Do I get out now and cut my losses?

– Considering divorce with an angry husband

Dear Considering Divorce,

The pandemic has many couples looking more closely at their marriage.  Between the stress of finances and change to in most cases, more time together, things have been difficult for everyone. I am sure seeing your husband at his worst is difficult to watch. I am curious what drew you to him in the first place? What do you love most about him? It can be difficult to have a balanced perspective of someone when he is not dealing well with stress. You mention he’s not willing to go to marriage counseling. Is he willing to go to individual therapy? Have you shared your concerns about the way he is with your dogs? If he is willing to work on the marriage outside of seeing a therapist I recommend reading Harville Hendrix “Getting the Love You Want” together or any of the materials and books by John and Julie Gottman. I find that when working with individuals who are considering divorce, they feel best about their decision when they’ve exhausted all avenues in trying to make the marriage work. I commend you for thinking about what kind of a parent you want to be and what kind of a co-parent you want. I certainly do not recommend ignoring any intuitive feelings you have about abuse. My hope for you both is that if he’s willing to work on himself and the marriage you’ll get a clearer picture of him and his capacity to parent. I also recommend hiring a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® to help you further examine your path.

 

women's divorce coach women's divorce coach women's divorce coach

Dear Divorce Coach,

Last year during marriage counseling my husband revealed that he’d had an affair. We’ve done some work to repair and I’m working on forgiving him. Our sex life is still non-existent – I feel rage when I think about being intimate with him. I feel like I’ve put a lot of work into making the marriage work but I have serious doubts that I’ll ever trust him again. We have a fourteen-year-old child and honestly, if it wasn’t for them I’d be out the door. I know staying in a marriage for your kids isn’t the best idea, but my child is struggling with their gender identity right now and it feels like a really bad time to create more uncertainty for them. My husband says he made a big mistake and really wants us to stay married. He guilt trips me about our child when I talk about the possibility of splitting up. Any words of advice?

– Considering divorce after infidelity

Dear Considering Divorce After Infidelity,

My heart goes out to you. Trying to heal from infidelity is difficult and often a long road. Trust is one of, if not the most important things in a healthy relationship and it sounds like your struggling to see a path forward where you trust your husband again. While I know couples that have foraged this path with success by working consistently on redeveloping trust, it’s not the path for everyone.  You brought up staying in the marriage because of your child who is struggling. Do they have a therapist you can talk to about their thoughts on how a separation would affect them right now? There is a saying “there is never a good time for a divorce.” I do understand that there may be some times that are better than others, however. I am guessing that your child is old enough to understand that their mom and dad aren’t getting along.  Even without direct conflict, kids are very perceptive about tension among family members.  Your kiddo might be more aware than you think about how unhappy you are. I definitely recommend you talk to a divorce coach or therapist who can help you with the decision, and how to best transition your kiddo if you decide to end the marriage. How you handle things moving forward is more important than the decision itself.

women's divorce coach women's divorce coach women's divorce coach

 

August 30, 2021

divorce sadness
Direction  ·  Grief  ·  Life
Naming Your Divorce Grief

A significant break-up or divorce is filled with substantial loss and grief. You lose your partner, your identity as a couple, having a two-parent household, income, family members, and perhaps even friends. You find yourself not only grieving the loss of your relationship but also the picture or dream of what you thought your life was going to look like.

After my divorce, I attended a divorce support group where I witnessed a wide range of grief. As the attendees progressed through their separation and divorces, they entered the different phases of grief.  The five stages of grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying are Denial and isolation; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; & Acceptance. Grieving people do not necessarily experience all of them nor do they go through these stages in the same order.

What was apparent was that the women in the group had an easier time expressing sadness and guilt and the men had an easier time expressing their anger. Unfortunately, the men’s anger often felt triggering for the women in the group as it reminded them of anger or rage they saw displayed by their exes. Some of the participants had been divorced for many years but were still stuck in their grief and unable to move forward. Witnessing their pain strengthened my own resolve to face my grief head on. 

Getting Stuck

Grief is an opportunity to process your loss and the feelings that accompany it.  But it’s so damn painful, we often do just about anything to avoid confronting it. Alcohol, excessive screen time, and dating too soon are all common ways people avoid this pain and numb out. So what happens when you avoid your pain instead of facing it? Avoiding divorce grief can lead to depression and can also get you stuck in the bargaining phase. You’ve probably seen a friend or family member get stuck there. I ended a relationship with a man for this very reason. He incessantly talked about how his ex-girlfriend and ex-wife disappointed him and was obsessed with their behavior instead of processing his feelings of loss. It kept him stuck in the past and he missed out on what his current relationship could offer him. 

divorce grief

Common Areas of Divorce Grief

You cannot grieve what you cannot name. I truly believe that in order to fully grieve, you must understand what you’ve lost. Take a look below at some of the common themes or areas of divorce grief to help you identify your losses.

Your Partner

While you may feel a level of indifference or loathing towards your ex, not everyone feels that way. Maybe you miss somethings about your ex - their companionship, their humor, their willingness to fix things around the house, etc.

Your Lifestyle

No longer having a partner at home to help with the kids, finances and household responsibilities can feel like a huge loss. Suddenly there is so much to do and no one to delegate the responsibilities to. Maybe you also had to move or leave behind your neighbors.

Your Identity

Society smiles happily on couples but isn't always so nice to singles. Having that couple identity can make you feel safe and socially acceptable. The loss of being part of a couple may drive you into a new relationship too quickly.

Relationships

You may be grieving the loss of friends or in-laws after a divorce. Some people take sides when their friends get divorced and sometimes once-friendly in-laws can turn nasty. This may take you completely by surprise and compounds the feelings of all the other losses.

Moving through the Pain

Now that you have a better understanding of what you must grieve, take some time to journal or talk with a trusted friend or therapist. If you need extra support, hire a divorce coach to talk through your feelings and move you forward. Sometimes people get stuck in their own story, and are unable to move past what happened to them, especially if they were left. This can be compounded by a lack of trust in both other people and themselves. The light and the end of the tunnel, or acceptance of the loss, can feel a long way off but I promise you the only way to move on with your life, is through the pain, not around it or over it. Try not to put a timeline on your grief – and don’t let others impose their timeline on you either. Your journey is your own, and this should be honored and respected.

Having trouble naming your divorce loss or find your self getting stuck in your story? Contact me and together we will get you moving through your grief.

June 11, 2020