Single Mom Archives | Women's Divorce Coach

Dating · Single Mom

Are you Ready to Date after Divorce?

Are you Ready to Date?

My short answer to this question is that it’s an extremely personal decision. Only you can really decide what is right for you but here are some things to consider when deciding if you are ready to date after divorce.

Time is your friend

When a significant relationship ends, there will be grief. Allowing yourself to truly experience and name the losses associated with your divorce takes time. Often people feel out of control and lost when they first separate. There is a good reason members of my divorce support group called the time of separation from their partner “crazy time”.

It was like half of my brain was always somewhere else, unable to fully focus on what was right in front of me….

Needless to say, this is not a great time to be focusing on anybody but YOU. In the book, Rebuilding, the authors note that many of us need to relearn how to love, and this starts with loving ourselves. The fundamental questions that come up around “who am I now?” should be addressed. Relearning who you are and what you like as a single person is greatly beneficial for you and any future partner. Take the time before your divorce is legalized and beyond to fully lean into self-exploration. Take this time to date yourself.

The question of why

It’s important to know why you want to date and be as honest with yourself as possible about it. Below are two lists – one is a list of healthy reasons you might start dating, and the other is a list of reasons that should give you pause.

Healthy Reasons

Unhealthy Reasons

Polling the audience

People in your lives will have opinions about when you should start dating – some of them will think you are waiting too long, and some may think you need to wait longer. My advice is to weigh the opinions of only trusted friends and family members your divorce coach or therapist. Divorced people sustain enough judgment, do not invite more into your life.

Don’t be influenced by what your ex is doing

A lot of women I know have caved to the pressure to start dating because their ex has. While it’s natural to have negative feelings about your ex finding someone new, it’s not healthy to ruminate on it or have it influence your process. One of the first things I recommend clients do is unfollow their ex on social media. There is nothing more startling than to see a new person on their arm in your feed. If (God forbid) you happen to encounter your ex on a dating app, I recommend blocking them immediately. Do not read their profile, do not analyze their pictures to see which ones you’ve been cropped out of, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars. Period.

Know what you want

The clearer you are about why you want to date and who you want to date, the better. While dating presents a unique opportunity to try people on to see what fits, it’s better to have a basic idea of who you’re looking for and what kind of a relationship you want. To read more on this topic, see my blog post here. Many people right out of the gate are not looking for something serious. Being honest about this with yourself and your dates will save you a lot of headaches. Give yourself permission to just have fun and meet new people – but be safe – both in and out of the bedroom.

If you feel ready for a long term relationship, it’s best to come to it from a secure place in being alone. Personally, I find that when I’m dating and miserable it’s because I’m not living within my values or I’m continuing to date someone who I need to set free.

You want someone who will enhance your life, not fill the holes only you can fill.

A special consideration – single parent dating

To date after divorce presents its own set of challenges for single parents. Time and energy is a major consideration, especially for those who have full or majority custody. Discretion and privacy are also concerns and ground rules are a must. Depending on the age of your kids, keeping your dating life private may be easier or harder. Below are some quick tips for dating single parents.

Quick Tips for Dating Parents

Don’t post photos in your online dating profile of your kids
Turn off text and app notifications on online dating apps when your kids are around.
Be mindful of the content from text conversations on your phone
Kids can know you are going on dates, but they don’t need to know any other details
Let well-meaning friends & family know that you won’t be discussing your dating life when your kids are around
Avoid places (restaurants, coffee shops, parks, etc.) where you might run into your kids
Be upfront with dates that you have kids but don’t share personal details about them
Wait to introduce your kids until the relationship is serious

Ready to date, but need some extra support?

June 18, 2020

Dating · Single Mom

Dating After Divorce: Know Who You’re Looking For

Ready to Date after Divorce?

If you’re considering dating after divorce or have been dating without success, this article is for you. Admittedly, I have some pretty strong feelings about when NOT to start dating but I will address that topic another time. For now, I’ll focus on the WHO, not WHEN.

Too Many Fish in the Sea

Online dating can feel very overwhelming especially when you first join a dating website. The sheer number of profiles to comb through can make you feel dizzy. I’ve seen plenty of women when they first start dating not be overly discriminate about who they choose to go out with. Unless you aren’t sure who might be right for you or if you didn’t date much prior to marriage, I don’t recommend dating people just to date. You’ve probably had people tell you that dating is a numbers game or that you need to kiss a certain amount of frogs to get your prince or princess. While many women find that they must go out with many people before finding someone compatible, you should be discriminating about who gets your time in the first place. I suggest you only go out with people you’re excited about meeting and who meet a strict set of criteria. No exceptions. Of course, who you are looking for is also dependent on what kind of relationship you’d like to have. If you’re thinking casual, it might be fun to go out with someone who wouldn’t normally be “your type”. That being said, you shouldn’t go out with anyone who should be no one’s type – anyone who makes you uncomfortable, is overly aggressive or rude, etc. I strongly urge you to use your intuition on this one. Reading Gavin De Becker’s book, “The Gift of Fear” gave me even more clarity on that point and I highly recommend it.

Same Fish, Different Scales

Are you finding that you keep choosing the same person (in a different form) over and over? You probably have a “type” whether that’s a physical type, emotional type, personality type, etc. Or maybe you just keep choosing people that are wrong for you? If this is the case, I highly recommend you form a dating team that includes at least two trusted friends or family members that know you well. Stan Tatkins, one my favorite authors who wrote “Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate” talks about the importance of having others “vet” dates for you. Who we are attracted to is often set when we first come of age and getting out of that rut might just take having someone else suggest other possibilities for you.

Don’t Settle for a Catfish

If dating fatigue has set in, or if coming off your divorce has crushed your confidence, I highly suggest taking time out to discover what makes you a catch before you resume dating. Knowing who you are is the most important step to knowing who you want to attract. If you don’t feel good about what you have to offer, I guarantee you are at risk of attracting and settling for someone who isn’t right for you.

Ready to Land the Big Catch?

If you are ready to narrow the playing field, I suggest you put in the same kind of time and consideration for who you are looking for that you would when searching for a job. Actually, I take that back. You should actually put in much MORE time.

While I understand that spending hours writing down and figuring out who you should be dating might seem horribly unromantic, I guarantee you’ll be grateful you did. No one illustrates this better than Amy Webb in her TED talk, “How I hacked online dating“. Her hilarious account of how she met her husband illustrates the point of how she drilled down on who she wanted in order to find the right match for her. It is her system that has inspired my own.

Exercise to determine who you are looking for:

Write down all the important qualities and attributes you want in a partner. This can be a complete brainstorm to begin with, you will sort and narrow the list down later. Think about what you liked about past partners and what was intolerable. Consider your values and your lifestyle. Consider your family situation – do you have kids? How close do they need to live?
Examine your list and find the top 10 most important things on your list. These are your must-haves. Combine if you find that things are similar. For example, Character – honest, trustworthy & kind, can be one list item. Dedication to fitness and healthy lifestyle, could be another. Now take the next 10 and put them under your Tier Two category. These are things that you’d really like but aren’t deal breakers.
Make sure you have your list handy when you are swiping left or right. Some of the things on your list are going to be hard to determine unless you meet or start chatting with someone. There should be things on your list that you can help you narrow the search down before you even meet, however. Dating apps are pretty good about sharing information about your potential dates from education, age, height, activities, location, job, etc. If someone meets your criteria and you do start chatting or decide to meet, then you can start figuring out if they meet your top ten criteria.
Share your list with your dating team. See if you might be missing something important or if your list seems too superficial. Ask them to hold you gently accountable if you start dating people who don’t match what you want.
Don’t cheat. You may be tempted to make excuses for someone or talk yourself out of your top ten criteria if you like most other things about a person or if it feels you aren’t meeting anyone who meets all ten. A major reason people are dissatisfied in their relationships is because they talked themselves into something they knew from the get-go they couldn’t handle or they convinced themselves would change. Don’t short-change yourself and settle. You are worthy of the match you desire.

Exercise to determine your deal breakers:

It is as important to determine who you do not want to date as it is who you want to date. This exercise will help with that.

Write down all the qualities or attributes that you will not tolerate in a mate. Some of these things will coincide with your list from above but these can bring more clarity to the specifics. For example, one list item may be No active addictions. If addiction exists, length of sobriety, therapy or meetings must be attended, etc. – specified in detail.
Break out the items in a list that are absolute deal-breakers at the top. There is no limit on this one – honor what you have put down.
Take the rest of the items and put them in a second tier. Your first tier can be a more or less strict version of the same thing from your top tier. For example, First-tier – doesn’t like physical touch. Second-tier – not as touchy as I am but will tolerate physical expressions of affection.
Don’t cheat. Seriously! Nothing like the good old shame fest you’ll have for breaking these.

Working with Me

Dating after divorce can be quite challenging and sometimes finding the right person takes a little extra support. I’d love to be on your dating team. If you found these exercises helpful and need some more specific guidance, I’ve got specific worksheets with lists of categories and attributes for us to use during your coaching sessions. Contact me today!

June 3, 2020

Life · Single Mom

Tips for Single Moms: How to Deal with Financial Fear & Anxiety During the Coronavirus

The last few months, I’ve been curiously observing how people are navigating their new realities due to the Coronavirus. Being a single mom during the best of times is difficult. Being a single mom surviving the Coronavirus can feel nearly impossible.

As a single mom with my own small business, I find myself oscillating between a place of gripping fear and amazing gratitude. Sometimes this shift happens in a week’s time, and sometimes it happens within a day. What I’ve learned about myself through my own coach (thank you, Kathy) is that when I feel most vulnerable, I easily turn to a place of fear. My friend, anxiety, has always been along for the ride.

Living in these unprecedented times as a single mama can be frightening, especially from a financial perspective. Hearing on the news about the financial forecast and knowing millions of people are losing their jobs is terrifying. It’s no wonder why I’ve started binge-watching the show “Hoarders” on Netflix. The sense of wanting to hold on tight to what you’ve got and not share like a spoiled toddler is real. Well, it’s real for me. And I kind of hate it.

My values of abundance, gratitude, and love over fear are ones I try to lead my life by. But being a single mom surviving the Coronavirus, it’s a constant battle with my worst-case-scenario fears and sometimes the war on my anxiety feels never-ending.

So, how can you effectively deal with your fears and anxiety during these times? Here are some tips that have helped me:

Now is the time to ask for emotional support. Asking for help may be difficult for you, but you’ll find good friends and supportive family want to listen and lend support. Plus, you’ll most likely find that you can return the favor – most people need a little extra support right now and are lonelier than ever.
Check your insurance coverage for mental health benefits. Many therapists are turning to telehealth to service their clients making it easy for single parents to do sessions from their living room. If you are feeling extremely anxious (or depressed) find a good therapist now before you feel worse.
Talk to a financial planner and get a realistic view of your finances, if you haven’t already. Knowing the facts can help you from completely panicking. Get a good idea of how much money you’d need on a monthly basis for living expenses if you lose your job and plan accordingly. See where you can cut bills or other expenses.
If you need to stay at home with your child(ren), check to see if you can use sick time or family medical leave. If you’ve lost your job, you may be eligible for unemployment. Even self-employed people may be eligible for some benefits. See what’s available to you by going to your state government’s website.
Give yourself lots of grace. Being a single parent is freaking hard. Being a single parent during the Coronavirus feels nearly impossible. Get rid of the expectations in your head around about being supermom right now and check your guilt. You are going to mess up. You are going to be afraid.
Let go, be grateful and try like hell to stay positive. When I’m most afraid, I remind myself that the opposite of acting in fear is acting in love and trusting myself. It’s easy for me to focus on all of the worst-case scenarios that have me ending up living on the streets. I’m not talking about rose-colored glasses or unrealistic positivity. For me, it’s a reminder to myself about what I do have, what’s inherent in me that can’t be taken away, and resiliency. It’s also a reminder that white-knuckling it through life is a miserable way to live.

Wherever you find yourself on your divorce journey, I wish you the best during these challenging times. As always, if working with me might bring you some peace of mind or if you find yourself stuck, please contact me. I’d love to be a part of your healing.

May 14, 2020

Single Mom