Single Mom Archives - Womens Divorce Coach

Co-Parenting · Communication · Divorce Process · Single Mom

Divorcing a Narcissist: What to Consider

It’s not uncommon for me to hear that a new client feels their spouse is a narcissist. Divorce is challenging in any circumstance but this one can take the cake in terms of conflict and emotional exhaustion. Whether your partner has been diagnosed with NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) or displays many of the traits, there are important considerations for how to approach divorce that are less important when divorcing in general.

The most challenging narcissistic traits

Belief that they are unique and superior
Need for excessive admiration
Lack of empathy and compassion
Interpersonal exploitativeness
Hypersensitivity to criticism
Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.

Many people don’t realize that what’s at the root of all the boasting and bragging a narcissist does is a deep insecurity. This makes dealing the reaction of telling a narcissist that you are done with the relationship particularly hard. Nobody likes being rejected, but a narcissist finds rejection intolerable.

Divorcing a narcissist

Navigating a marital relationship with a narcissist presents significant psychological and emotional challenges; however, the process of divorcing a narcissist can be even more complex and distressing. Ending the relationship may trigger what is referred to as a narcissistic injury—a profound blow to the individual’s self-esteem resulting from perceived rejection or loss of control. This injury frequently elicits heightened hostility, emotional reactivity, and vindictive behavior. The narcissist may engage in manipulative tactics aimed at reasserting dominance, preserving their self-image, or retaliating. Such behaviors may include:

Prolonged legal conflict: Deliberate obstruction or escalation of divorce proceedings as a means of control or punishment.
Psychological manipulation: Gaslighting, spreading misinformation, or badmouthing the former partner.
Parental alienation or triangulation: Using kids or mutual friends in an attempt to destroy relationships.
Feigning victimization: Assuming a victim role to get sympathy and discredit the other person.

Understanding and anticipating these behaviors can aid in reducing distress and facilitating a safer, more structured divorce process.

Tips for navigating a divorce with a narcissist

Find a competent lawyer experienced in high-conflict or narcissistic divorce cases. Ensure they understand tactics such as parental alienation.
Prepare for prolonged proceedings and set realistic expectations around how long it may take to get divorced and how much it will cost. Also don’t expect empathy, cooperation, or closure from your partner. Recognize that “winning” for the narcissist often means continuing conflict, not resolution. Focus on protecting your own well-being and long-term goals.
Prioritize safety. If there’s any threat of emotional, financial, or physical abuse, create a safety plan. Consult domestic violence resources even if the abuse is primarily psychological. Secure financial documents, passwords, and other important information early in the process.
Document everything. Keep a written record of all interactions (emails, texts, voicemails, etc.). Detail incidents of manipulation, threats, or abuse. Use communication tools like OurFamilyWizard which provide court-admissible records.
Set and maintain boundaries. Limit communication to written formats when possible and avoid emotional engagement or reactive behavior—narcissists often provoke conflict to get control. Use the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) when you do need to communicate.
Protect the kids (if you have them). If custody is involved, push for a structured parenting plan and keep all child-related communication child-focused and documented.
Seek Professional Support. Hire a divorce coach or therapist who specializes in high-conflict divorce and understands narcissistic abuse.

Getting support

Do you need support in your journey in divorcing a narcissist? Contact me and let’s get started!

June 19, 2025

Co-Parenting · Communication · Divorce Process · Single Mom

Why Women Get Divorced

The common reasons women consider divorce

Are you feeling curious about how other women view their relationship? About whether your reasons for marital dissatisfaction are common or even reasonable? Many clients come to me feeling unhappy and confused about the state of their relationship and level of disconnection with their partner. While everyone’s situation is different and unique, I have noticed particular themes coming up regularly for my female-identifying clients when it comes to their partnerships. I’ve noticed similar themes in podcasts and articles I’ve encountered recently. It helps to know that you aren’t alone and that your concerns aren’t unusual. In this blog post I’m going to outline these themes and explore the reasons why women get divorced with the hope that you might feel more seen.

Mental load & uneven division of labor

Mental load refers to the invisible cognitive and emotional work involved in managing a household. This concept often highlights the additional responsibilities that primarily fall on women, acting as the “project manager” of the home. Mental load encompasses various tasks such as meal planning, coordinating family appointments and kids’ activities, planning dates, managing events and holidays, delegating chores, considering pet care, and handling gift-giving. When one partner carries this mental load alone, it can lead to feelings of resentment and being unappreciated, especially for those already juggling multiple responsibilities.

Often, when women realize they are carrying the mental load, they seek ways to communicate their need for help to their partner. Sometimes they do this gently, while other times it may be more direct or forceful. If their partner dismisses their concerns or attempts to help but ultimately fails to meet their needs, women can feel helpless and increasingly resentful. This dynamic becomes even more challenging when the partner is suffering from depression or if they have ADD or ADHD. In this case, women feel they are better equipped to handle the mental load and give up trying to get help from their partner. This is made even worse when a woman is also doing the lion’s share of the actual work at home. At the heart of it, women who carry the mental load and perform more of the domestic work, feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. They resent not having a true partner who helps to carry the burden she feels. While this isn’t the primary or only reason given for why women get divorced, it is a large contributing factor.

Feeling shut out

Often, women come to me feeling shut out by their partner. Attempts to connect or communicate about differences, issues, or conflicts are met with what the Gottmans refer to as stonewalling.

Stonewalling often occurs because the nervous system of the partner hearing the complaint is triggered into flight or freeze mode. To the partner trying to communicate their feelings, it can feel like they are being ignored or dismissed. Over time, if someone feels their feelings are met with resistance or ignored, they may respond in kind with their own shutdown. Some individuals also have a more avoidant attachment style, making them feel pursued or pressured by their partner more threatening.

What healthy relationships bring to us is a feeling of being seen and understood. When someone turns away from us, it feels like we no longer matter to them. After months or even years of this, disengagement and disconnection grow, eventually breaking a couple apart.

Addiction & Infidelity

While addiction and infidelity may seem strange to lump together, they both lead to a partner feeling something or someone is more important than them. When someone is unwilling or unable to stay sober or they have an affair, the relationship essentially takes on dealing with a third party or element instead of the letting the couple deal just with their relationship. Dealing with a betrayal is something that some couples can get past, but not without a lot of help and communication on both fronts. When trust is broken, it can be hard to regain. That’s why addiction and infidelity are key reasons why women get divorced.

Getting support

Do you need support in processing your reasons for considering a divorce? Contact me and let’s get started!

October 31, 2024

Co-Parenting · Communication · Divorce Process · Enneagram · Grief · Life · Single Mom

The Enneagram and Divorce:
Lessons for Each of the Nine Types

The Enneagram

The Enneagram is a personality typing system based on ancient wisdom that postulates that there are nine fundamental ways to be in the world. Unlike other theories of personality, The Enneagram focuses on what motivates individuals instead of looking at their behavior. Because of this it’s hard to determine which of the nine types best fits you by taking a quiz. I can attest to this personally. I’ve taken several tests which typed me as a three but after hearing it taught orally and reading “The Road Back to You” by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile, I realized that I am most definitely a two. If you are interested in learning more about the Enneagram, I highly encourage you to read this book and also to listen to Suzanne’s podcast, “The Enneagram Journey.”

The Enneagram and Divorce

Why look at the Enneagram and divorce? I’ve found it to be a useful tool both personally and professionally. Understanding my type and how I view the world both in average space and when I’m stressed has helped strengthen relationships with my family, partner, friends, co-workers and children. Knowing that different things motivate us based on our Enneagram number and what we are trying to avoid has been immensely helpful. Divorce is often one of the most stressful times in a person’s life. It creates major shifts in your lifestyle, your relationships and your finances. Knowing how you will likely act in stress and the pitfalls you encounter in your type can help you navigate the experience better.

Stress and Your Type

One of the most interesting things about the Enneagram is that it is not static. How we act normally in our number is not how we act in stress. In fact, each number often borrows the characteristics of a different specific number (indicated by the down arrow in the Enneagram figure). As Suzanne Stabile teaches, “you cannot be healthy without the number you go to in stress.” I will explore how this movement will change your behavior and the support you can get from it.

Type One: The Perfectionist

Type Ones are concerned with doing things right, which is why they are labeled, “the perfectionist”. Divorce is often chaotic and filled with uncertainty, and therefore control can be a major issue for ones during this time. Even in peaceful times, ones are plagued by the voice of their inner critic telling them what they are doing wrong and how they can improve. During stressful times, this inner critic may be unrelenting, encouraging them to micromanage everyone and everything around them. Ones are compelled to fix the problems they see around them. Divorce is filled with issues to be managed. When the way to manage these issues are met with resistance from a partner, ones may get more critical and stubborn than usual. Ones are no stranger to anger and resentment and may feel overcome by these emotions during divorce.

Ones go to four in stress. When fours are at their least healthy, they can be manipulative and shame-filled. If you are a one, watch for depression and reach out for support during this time. Fours are able to handle all emotions including sadness and grief more skillfully than most numbers. If you are a one parent, try to maintain an open dialogue with your kids and be receptive to hearing their concerns. Your instinct will be to feel riddled with guilt and shut down. Because ones are excellent taskmasters, use your organizational wizardry to help with consistent schedules and routines that will help your kids feel safe during a more turbulent time.

Helpful tips

Mistakes will be made along the road of divorce. Because ones hate making mistakes, they can fall into a pit of despair and catastrophize when things don’t go to their plan. If you are a one going through a divorce, remember that when one thing doesn’t go your way, all is not lost.
Heap on a very large dose of self-compassion.
Strive for “good enough” in all that you do right now.
Shrink your inner critic and try to be less sensitive to criticism.
Choose to go to the high side of four instead of the low side. Find a way to deal with stress through creative pursuits and be emotionally honest about your challenges with trusted friends, family, a coach or a therapist.

Type Two: The Helper

Type Twos are the most relational which is why they are labeled “the helper”. Because divorce is about the rupture or break in a relationship, twos struggle greatly about the meaning of this breakup in terms of their worth. A divorce can trigger an all out identity crisis in twos who can no longer introduce themselves as the loving and devoted partner they once were. They also worry a lot about how it will affect the other important relationships in their life including with their children and mutual friends. Once loving and warm, relationships with in-laws can be fraught with new tension and criticism. Because twos struggle the most with criticism, this is particularly difficult. When twos are at their least healthy, they have a tendency to overhelp and give to get. Twos may have a hard time accepting that their partner no longer needs them and run to find other individuals who can meet this need.

Twos go to eight in stress. This can be a startling move to those who know them well. Eights lead with anger and assertiveness and can be prone to blaming their marital issues all on their partner. Once loving and accommodating, in high-conflict divorces, twos go on the offense making sure others around them know how they have been wronged.

Helpful tips

Most twos have built a good support network – lean on your family and friends during this time and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Be prepared to grieve lost relationships during this time and bring up thinking to understand the normal toll that loss can bring.
Use the high side of eight to assert what you think is fair in settlement and custody discussions instead of playing the martyr.
Self-care will be your best friend right now. Find as many ways as possible to take care of yourself during this stressful time.
Don’t run head first into another romantic relationship. Take the time to get to know yourself as a single person and settle into this new identity before looking for a new partner.
Learn to exercise your “no” muscle. Right now you’ll have lots of extra demands due to the divorce and you need to prioritize yourself and your family.

Type Three: The Performer

Type threes are called “the performers” due to their ability to perform however needed to succeed. Driven, self-confident, and competitive, threes uniquely struggle with divorce because they see it as a personal failure. Threes like to look successful which often means owning status symbols like big houses, luxury cars and other toys. Dividing assets and losing these status symbols may make them feel like they are going backward in life.

Threes are good at quickly accessing how others feel but often ignore feelings when making decisions. The divorce process will go more smoothly for them if they focus more on their feelings and their partner’s feelings when making decisions that will affect everyone long-term. Unhealthy threes may in particular want to retaliate and can get petty when cornered. While they feel like they’ve failed, admitting mistakes and shortcomings can be difficult in high-conflict divorces, for threes. Because threes are good at determining who to be in any given situation, they may have more sway with less experienced mediators and judges.

Threes go to nine in stress which means that they may slow down and become less productive. Unhealthy nines are highly conflict avoidant and isolate. While normally confident and go-getters, when threes go to nine their behavior looks vastly different. If threes can access the high side of nine, they can see all sides of a dispute and be more understanding of their partner’s position in settlement discussions.

Helpful tips

While you will be good at performing the tasks involved in divorce, remember that grief is not a linear process and a checklist will not help you here.
Use your natural organizational ability and make a plan to get things moving in your divorce process.
Hire a coach or therapist to help you work through the difficult task of accepting that your family structure now looks different. Threes like to present a picture in society of success and may struggle with the image of a single-parent or divorced person.
Workaholism is already an easy place for threes to land when things are going well. When stressed, threes have a tendency to fully immerse themselves in work and ignore other aspects of their lives. Work on work-life balance and find meaning in other places in your life.
Remember that external success and material possessions don’t define who you really are at your core. Use this time to get in touch with your true self.

Type Four: The Romantic

Type fours are called “the romantic” due to their emotionality, intrigue and interest in deep connections. Fours often feel special, unique and misunderstood. To find a partner who “gets them” and then rejects them, fours can go deep into the melancholy they are known for. Fours can feel that something is missing within themselves and having a partner leave them is an affirmation of this belief. Fours are no stranger to shame and because their orientation to time is the past, they often blame themselves and perseverate on past mistakes. Unhealthy fours can also be quite melodramatic about the breakup, making even small issues seem like the end of the world.

Fours can be moody even on a good day, but divorce often brings these mood swings into full effect, giving those whiplash around them. Fours feel their feelings deeply and riding those waves can be overwhelming and create a lot of important things to be ignored and left undone. Fours already hate the mundane, and fours may have an even harder time with household chores, childcare and bill paying during separation and divorce. Fours go to two in stress which will make them feel more dependent on others and they may need more reassurance than normal.

Helpful tips

Use your creativity to find some joy right now. Write music, poems or find your artistic side.
Your feelings and needs will feel extra intense at this time. Remember to lean on but not overload your friends and families with your current feelings and try to keep things in perspective.
It may be time to look for a divorce support group. Fours can feel all alone with their intense feelings but seeing that others are experiencing similar stresses and feelings can be helpful.
Access the high side of nine to take a bit of a break from the intensity right now. Practice relaxation and stress relief.
Don’t wallow in suffering – find ways to spark joy and enjoy small moments, even if fleeting.

Type Five: The Investigator

Type fives are called “the investigator” due to their love of knowledge and their observant nature. Fives have a measured amount of energy each day and they are careful how they spend it. While fives can be great mates, they are often introverts and need time alone to recharge after social interactions. Fives are highly independent and may do better than some with the uncoupling process. Desiring a lot of privacy, a five’s worst nightmare is for their divorce to become a public spectacle.

While fives may not show a lot of outward emotion during the process, it doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering. Most fives will look like they’ve fully got it together even when falling apart. Fives need space, privacy and time to process emotional experiences and friends and family may not feel that they are appropriately grieving. In addition, fives may go into analysis paralysis when researching the right attorney, the right divorce process and settlement procedures. They feel knowledge is power and they will try to get every last bit of it when making important decisions.

Fives make the surprising jump to seven in stress which may make them seem uncharacteristically disorganized and distracted. Fives can also come across as sarcastic, rude and superior when they feel backed into a corner.

Helpful tips

Feelings that you resist will persist. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, if even it takes a while to do so.
Try not to isolate yourself from others so much that you don’t accept needed help at this time.
Talk to a good friend regularly and share your deepest worries.
Go to the high side of seven and do something adventurous or take some time off to travel.
Find a therapist or coach to help you not get too bogged down in your thoughts

Type Six: The Loyalist

Type sixes are called “the loyalist” due to their dedication to the common good. Sixes are known to be on the spectrum of phobic to counter-phobic which means that they both want to trust and are suspicious of authority figures. At their unhealthiest, sixes are worst-case scenario obsessed, always assuming and planning for an imminent disaster. Because divorce may be one of the hardest circumstances sixes face, sixes can fall into a depression and mantra of “told you it wasn’t going to work out.” Fortunately for sixes, because they saw it coming, they are better prepared in a practical sense to deal with the changes they face.

Sixes may struggle most with their place in community settings after divorce – unsure where they fit in and how others perceive them. Security is of utmost importance to them and being on shaky ground financially and in relationships can be terrifying for them. Already cursed with a large helping of fear and anxiety, sixes find this time especially worrisome. Sixes go to three in stress. Threes are concerned with material wealth and sixes may try to hold tight to all resources during a divorce to provide reassurance that they will not be destitute.

Helpful tips

Stay away from bad news in the world right now and focus on taking care of yourself and your family instead.
Be with friends and family who provide calm reassurance and won’t dismiss your fears.
Try not to catastrophize. Use your strong logic to figure out what you need and how you can take care of practical matters.
Don’t assume your spouse is going to take you down or leave you penniless. Find ways to see the humanity in them and their intentions.
Try not to waffle about important divorce decisions – seek knowledgeable resources to help with decision-making if you are feeling unsure of yourself.

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

Type sevens are called “the enthusiast” due to their fun-loving nature and zest for life. Sevens lean into the positive and avoid the negative and can be surprised when things don’t go their way and when their expectations are not met. Sevens are famous for their “reframe” – taking bad situations and remembering them more positively after the fact. Divorce can be unexpected when sevens are not able to accept that their marriage has troubles. They are masters of denial. Sevens avoid pain and negative emotions and unhealthy sevens often find that they can’t cope effectively, sometimes turning to addiction or other avoidant behaviors.

Divorce may be the first time a seven encounters a truly challenging experience in their life that they can’t reframe. This can leave them feeling a sense of chronic deprivation and hurt that can take them down. Most often cheerful and adventurous, a depressed seven will look like an entirely different person. Often friends and family of divorcing sevens aren’t sure how to help their loved one during this time. Sevens aren’t as likely as other numbers to seek therapy either because they don’t want to indulge in negative emotions or discuss the pain. Sevens go to one in stress. Stressed sevens are prone to blame all their marital problems on their spouse, be unwilling to compromise in settlement discussions and be argumentative.

Helpful tips

Accept that you will most likely feel bad during this time, and that’s okay. Bad feelings aren’t something to fix, they should be felt and then let go.
Accept that the marriage is over and your part in its unraveling.
Seek and accept help from others. Know that some of your loved ones will be confused and unsure how to help you because you are rarely in a negative space.
Notice the urge to drink too much, eat too much and other addictive behaviors as a way to cope. Find other healthier coping strategies.
Listen to trusted advisors about how you should approach a divorce settlement – you don’t like being told what to do but this is a good time to listen.

Type Eight: The Challenger

Type eights are called “the challenger” because of their assertive nature. Eight have no trouble asking for what they need and stepping into leadership roles. Already assertive and to the point, eights may look especially bold and outspoken during this time. Eights can become easily annoyed by the slow pace of divorce and will work hard to keep things moving. Eights don’t like to feel controlled and may struggle when things don’t go the way they think is best. Eights struggle deeply with trusting others and worry that they will betrayed. Divorce by a spouse can feel like a deep betrayal for them and may bring about a desire for revenge or retribution.

Divorce can feel like a chess match for eights. They work hard to hide vulnerabilities and use their intelligence to strategize to their advantage. Because anger is always at the forefront for eights, and divorce can feel like a match to be won, and anger is often wielded as a weapon. Eights are very comfortable with conflict which can make divorcing an eight particularly challenging. Eights go to five in stress and become more secretive and paranoid. They can neglect their health and have trouble sleeping.

Helpful tips

Know that the process may go more slowly than you want. Take the time to figure out what you want and slow down instead of pushing your agenda quickly.
Lean into your desire for social justice and apply that sense of fairness to how assets can be divided more fairly across households.
Hire professionals that you have trust in or you will constantly question whether they have your back.
Try to stay away from all-or-nothing thinking right now – your partner is not either all good or all bad and neither is any solution they may bring up to settle the divorce.
Make sure you are getting plenty of rest and self-care.

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

Type nines are called “the peacemakers” because they hate conflict and can see all sides of an argument. Nines may have found their way into divorce in part because they didn’t know how to handle the conflict in their marriage and chose to ignore warning signs or their partners’ pleas to work on the relationship. Since divorce can be filled with conflict this is a very challenging process for nines. Fortunately for the nine’s partner, they can expect the nine to be fair and see their point of view. Nines may have trouble figuring out what they need and struggle with standing up for themselves during the divorce process. Some may fall into numbing and avoidance – making addiction a thing to watch for. Nines also have the least amount of energy of any number on the enneagram and may find all the changes and decisions are nearly impossible to deal with during divorce.

Nines go to six in stress. Because sixes and nines can be doubtful about their decision-making, this is a double whammy for nines. Nines may be particularly slow and avoidant during this time and need a lot of reassurance and outside expertise to help them through the divorce process and keep them on track.

Helpful tips

Nines are known for a technique called merging where they steer their opinion to merge into someone else’s opinion. While this may make a divorce process go more quickly or smoothly, nine’s may agree to something that hurts them long-term. Therefore, nines should be mindful of putting in the energy now to figure how what is best for them and their family, now and in the future.
Nines are no strangers to being passive-aggressive and nursing grudges. Try to be open about your feelings and how things affect you in the present moment instead of holding onto your anger.
Nines don’t like feeling pressured to perform and this can be an exhausting time for nines. Try to make sure you are getting in plenty of self-care.
Use your sense of fairness and the gift of seeing things from all perspectives to create a settlement that will work for everyone.
Nines don’t do well when their schedule and routines are interrupted. Divorce can wreak havoc on the predictable. See where you are willing to be flexible and try to keep everything else routine for you and your family.

In Conclusion

If you are going through or are considering a divorce and want to do deeper Enneagram work with a divorce coach, please contact me. Working with someone who knows the Enneagram and divorce can be a great benefit to you. We can explore your specific situation and how you and your partner’s Enneagram number may impact your divorce.

December 5, 2023

Co-Parenting · Family · Grief · Personality · Single Mom

Divorce and Your Myers Briggs Personality Type: What to Expect

This article is dedicated to those of you who enjoy the Myers Briggs Personality Test (MBTI^®) as much as I do. Looking at how Myers Briggs and divorce intersect has been an interesting project. I first took the test in my teens and studying my type has increased my self-knowledge and deepened my relationships. It has been particularly helpful during a major life event, like divorce.

Divorce is a unique process – it can bring out the worst in us but it can also be an invitation to call upon our strongest and most resilient qualities. For a lot of us, going through a divorce can feel like a rupture in our identity. It leads to an existential crisis which begs the question – who are we now? Recent longitudinal studies on personality changes over time have indicated that one’s personality remains fairly consistent. So, even when our circumstances change drastically, we can rely on our fundamental personality as a solid foundation when the ground under us feels unsteady.

Below is a guidepost for understanding the challenges of divorce through the lens of each type and ways to get through it. I focused on several important factors when compiling and interpreting this information. The first thing I examined was how each personality type is impacted by stress in general. Divorce can be one of the most stressful processes in one’s life. I then looked at how each type copes under extreme stress which is sometimes referred to as “grip stress.” Grip stress can make one operate in the inferior function of their type. Next, I researched the most typical problematic behaviors for each type when they are not functioning at their best. Finally, I’ve examined what positive qualities each type can rely upon to help them through and behave in ways they can be proud of. This includes if they are parents, how they might best use their strengths to help their children through the divorce process.

While each person and their particular divorce is absolutely unique, my hope is that this examination about Myers Briggs and divorce will be helpful nonetheless.

Biggest challenges:

An intuitive and nurturing type, INFJs typically have a difficult time with conflict and struggle with self-care during stressful times.

INFJ’s can be relentless perfectionists always striving for the ideal and are disappointed with themselves and others when this ideal isn’t reached.

INFJ’s struggle to feel seen and understood. They are most likely to leave a relationship when their partner doesn’t get them in a deep and profound way.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

Since divorce is less than ideal for most and INFJ’s are no strangers to shame, divorce can easily trigger a sense of shame around failure when a marriage ends. This is particularly true for INFJ parents. Valuing a harmonious environment for their families and an idealistic vision for their kids, divorce can shatter this vision.

INFJ’s normally rely on their creative, out-of-the-box thinking to solve problems. To perform well and make rational decisions, people need the correct balance of the brain chemicals norepinephrine and dopamine, according to David Rock, author of Your Brain at Work. When people get stressed, their bodies get flooded by these chemicals, putting them in a constant state of anxiety and fear. This limits their normal ability to use creative problem-solving.

As Deborah Ward writes in Truity’s article, “Why Stress Stops Creativity for INFJ’s and How They Can Get it Flowing Again“

Under extreme stress, INFJs can fall into the grip of their inferior function, Extraverted Sensing, which makes the INFJ unable to think about their normal visionary ideas, be creative, or help others with their characteristic empathy. Instead, we become focused on moment-to-moment living and satisfying our cravings for sensory pleasures by overindulging in eating, drinking, sex and even risky behaviours that seem totally of character and ultimately make an INFJ feel miserable, disconnected and self-loathing.

In a high-conflict divorce, the values of an INFJ may also be tested. They normally find great joy in developing mutual solutions that work well for everyone. When pitted against the wishes of their spouse, INFJ’s are confronted with the conundrum of advancing their own wishes and their value of altruism. Fortunately, or unfortunately for the INFJ, however, once someone has wronged them and they feel justified in ending a relationship, they are done. Very little will change their mind.

How their strengths may help them through:

INFJs at their best are forgiving, empathetic, and compassionate. If provided a sincere apology and changed behavior, an INFJ can open the door enough to continue to have a positive co-parenting relationship with their ex.

Exhausted by details (INFJ’s are big picture people) it is best during the divorce process for INFJ’s to write down details to keep them from the exhaustion of remembering them. Keeping the big picture in mind can definitely be beneficial. Taking the high road during and after divorce proceedings will lead to a more harmonious future.

INFJ’s feel things deeply but through time and contemplation about why the relationship ended, they can and do move on with steady conviction.

Biggest challenges:

ENFJs are known for their leadership qualities and for strongly advocating for justice. When stressed or in conflict, they can be intense, sarcastic, impatient, rigid, and self-critical.

ENFJ’s need a good deal of validation and appreciation. They are most likely to leave a relationship when they see a chronic pattern of giving more to their partner than receiving.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

ENFJ’s are often deeply committed to their partners and their dreams, even at their own expense. This wholehearted investment can feel like a major betrayal when a spouse decides to end the marriage.

ENFJ’s find that they experience the symptoms of stress quite acutely physically. Because of their external focus on others, their bodies must create loud signals to get the ENFJ to put the focus on internal matters.

ENFJ’s do not do well when they don’t feel that their ideas are being heard. In a high-conflict divorce, not being heard is a major trigger point for them. Getting wrapped up in other people’s feelings is also a challenge. ENFJ’s are encouraged to get in touch with their own experience and feelings and away from resting too heavily on the thoughts and feelings of their spouse. Because ENFJ’s take rejection even more personally than other types, they may need extra support and time to work through these hurt feelings.

In grip stress, ENFJ’s become self-protective and feel a strong desire to numb out and withdraw.

How their strengths may help them through:

ENFJ’s are better than most types at reaching out for help from family and friends. Recognizing the need for help can be very beneficial during stressful times like divorce.

As parents, ENFJ’s often feel a deep sense of purpose and responsibility for providing a loving and supportive home life for their kids. Because ENFJ’s do a great service to their children by teaching by good example, ENFJ’s understand the importance of continuing a healthy co-parenting relationship for the sake of their children.

Biggest challenges:

INFP’s tend to be sensitive souls, adverse to conflict, eager to please, and emotionally vulnerable.

When they feel someone disapproves of them, they can get fixated on changing that person’s mind about them. Their desire to please can drain their energy, and make them question themselves and their worth. They are one of the most likely personality types to accept full responsibility when something goes wrong, even when it’s not their fault.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

Open and honest communication can be difficult for INFP’s and sometimes years of grievances can build-up for the INFP before they express their displeasure with their spouse. The silent treatment is a weapon that INFP’s are known for.

Because INFP’s need extra time to process their feelings, being pushed too fast and quickly can make the INFP’s say things they regret later.

INFP’s are less likely than other types to accept breaking up as the most reasonable response to a bad relationship. If their spouse initiates the divorce, INFP’s can be in denial for quite some time. This can be harmful not only emotionally but financially as well. If divorce proceedings move forward and INFP’s don’t advocate for themselves, they may not do well in their divorce settlement.

How their strengths may help them through:

INFP personalities are compassionate people who have an immense capacity to forgive others. This is true even of cheating ex-spouses. The ability to have goodwill with a co-parent is a huge gift to kids and INFP’s are more willing to compromise than other personality types.

Biggest challenges:

ENFP’s are lively, curious, perceptive, and generous at their best. When they are stressed however, they can find themselves adrift without focus, organization and too willing to please other people. They can also be fickle and undependable.

ENFP’s long for a deeply connected love and don’t do as well when they are single. They may avoid being alone and stay in unhealthy relationships longer than they should. They may see their partner as a project and are prone to control and manipulate when they don’t get their way.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

ENFP’s love the honeymoon phase of a relationship and are more restless than other types if things get too mundane or boring. They often hold up the ideal of love as something that is “meant to be” and become annoyed when a marriage becomes too much work. Housework, childcare and other routine things are issues that ENFP’s are likely to fight over with a spouse.

Like other feeling types, dealing with conflict brings the ENFP enormous amounts of stress. Under grip stress, a normally healthy ENFP will seem more like an unhealthy ISTJ. They will feel overwhelmed, out of control, unable to sort out their priorities, and inflexible. Not being able to get their “head on straight” is worrisome during divorce proceedings and may cause them to draw out the divorce way too long or make unwise decisions for the long term.

How their strengths may help them through:

ENFP’s are good-natured and optimistic. Leaning on optimism and seeing a bright future for themselves and their family can help them build a new life more quickly. Social types, ENFP’s may also benefit from a divorce support group where they can share their feelings with others.

ENFP’s are more likely to treat their divorcing spouses how they want to be treated and this empathy can be a great gift to everyone.

Wanting to get along with others will make them more congenial co-parents. ENFP’s are talented communicators and this will help them communicate more effectively with their ex and their kids.

Biggest challenges:

ENTJ’s are driven leaders and when stressed or pushed can display arrogance and condescension. They have way of calling out others’ failures with a chilling degree of insensitivity.

ENTJ’s can be blunt communicators and prefer to focus on facts over feelings in their relationships.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

At the negotiating table, ENTJ’s are dominant, relentless, and unforgiving. With a more sensitive or emotional spouse they can be especially cruel and view emotion by the other as weakness.

They can also be highly impatient and may try to push things faster than what their spouse feels comfortable with. Because they are driven by their heads and not hearts, ENTJ’s can be insensitive to what their partner asks for in a divorce settlement. ENTJ’s are driven to win and may lose sight of overall objective for a win.

It will be helpful for a divorcing ENTJ and their spouse to follow explicit ground rules in a mediation and for the ENTJ to use restraint so that negotiations don’t go awry.

How their strengths may help them through:

ENTJ’s are adept at handling conflict and are strategic thinkers. They can help come up with out of the box solutions for divorce that may be helpful to all involved. They are also highly efficient and will help keep the divorce process moving along.

When an ENTJ sees that a relationship will not be beneficial to them long-term they have an easier time moving on to find a partner that is a better match.

Biggest challenges:

INTJ’s are known for their fierce independence and questioning the status quo. They generally trust their own opinion over others and make decisions without asking for input.

While they can be witty and feel genuinely bad about hurting others feelings, INTJ’s are not interested in social niceties and value honesty above all. This can make others feel that INTJ’s are insensitive and even rude. INTJ’s enjoy other people that they feel match their intellect and can be intellectual snobs at their worst.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

INTJ’s are strategic chess players. Relying on strategy rather than chance, they contemplate the strengths and weaknesses of each move before they make it. When INTJ’s are divorcing, this approach can feel calculated and cold to their partner across the aisle.

INTJ’s can believe so intensely that their plan or idea is correct, they don’t see the flaws in their own arguments. They may be overly critical and dismissive of their partner’s needs and feelings.

INTJ parents may also lose sight of their children’s emotional needs during a divorce, focusing on logistics instead. While married, INTJ’s may have relied more heavily on a feeling spouse to connect with their kids. Now alone, INTJ’s may need to work harder to form bonds and find shared activities to keep these relationships strong.

Under grip stress, an INTJ who is normally focused and insightful becomes panicky, obsessive and anxious. They are prone to misplace things, bump into things, and get frustrated by the physical world.

How their strengths may help them through:

INTJ’s are naturally curious and excellent researchers. They will try to formulate a plan based on facts and won’t come to a divorce uninformed. Knowing their rights and seeking answers will help an INTJ feel they were prepared for the steps along the way.

Because INTJ’s are more rational and cool-headed, they are less likely to allow strong emotions get the best of them.

Biggest challenges:

Quiet, thoughtful, and analytical, INTP’s are reserved and can struggle with letting others in. INTP’s can be so much in their heads that they are disconnected from their feelings. This can lead to a build up of negative emotions like sadness and anger that can engulf them and others when finally released.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

INTP’s are much more comfortable with rational thought and logic and sometimes are lost when it comes to dealing with their own and their spouses emotional needs. INTP’s can come across as insensitive and dismissive. Divorcing a spouse who is a strong “F” can be a particular kind of hell for each spouse in this pairing.

INTP’s can be stuck in “analysis paralysis” more than other types which can make reaching a divorce settlement difficult. INTP’s are afraid to commit and regret and when big decisions are to be made, especially involving relationships with their children, they tend to spin their wheels. They also tend to stew about how a different path might have been better, not allowing them to fully accept their present reality.

How their strengths may help them through:

INTP’s are naturally curious and open-minded. They are rational problem-solvers and can come up with creative out-of-the box solutions. While overthinking might get them stuck, they are highly motivated to problem solve.

They believe that being honest is important and will be above board in settlements which will provide good will towards co-parenting relationships.

Biggest challenges:

While they can be entertaining and curious, ENTP’s are naturally rebellious and have a hard time following conventional rules and dealing with authority. Like their name, they love nothing more than a good debate. When in a relationship with a more subdued, conflict-avoidant type, their combativeness can get old quickly.

ENTPs can be obsessively focused on solving problems, and tend to worry too much when stressed.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

The spouse of an ENTP may tire quickly of having their beliefs questioned and their feelings brushed aside. ENTP’s under stress can be even less sensitive to others feelings and needs.

Because of their strong desire to “win an argument” they may become relentless and uncompromising during the divorce process.

In grip stress, a once broad and creative thinker, the ENTP vision becomes blurred and narrowed. They also may become overly serious and reserved.

As parents, ENTP’s might struggle with paying attention to the details and schedule which provide the consistency and comfort to their kids during a transitionary time. They would do well to call upon loved ones and/or a divorce coach to help them remember these things.

How their strengths may help them through:

ENTP’s are resourceful and good at working under stress. They are flexible and handle change better than most types. Because they are natural problem-solvers they will not shy away from working through a divorce although they may struggle with paperwork and details.

ENTP parents are fun-loving and spontaneous and can find fun activities and distractions to help kids during a time when some divorcing parents feel immobilized or depressed.

Biggest challenges:

ISFJ’s are highly relational and are always willing to lend a helping hand, even at their own expense. This makes them targets for getting taken advantage of. ISFJ’s want to believe that if they behave perfectly, they will have the perfect relationship. This naivety can lead to great disappointment.

They are more resistant to change than most types and will stay in unhealthy relationships and situations longer than they should. If the ISFJ experiences a great amount of instability in their marriage, they eventually will be the ones to end it.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

ISFJ’s struggle with self-care especially when they are stressed or feel like someone else really needs them. They are also sensitive to criticism and being rejected by a spouse or feeling like they are being taken advantage of in a divorce settlement is especially difficult for this type. When stressed, ISFJ’s can become passive-aggressive instead of articulating their needs more assertively.

Normally humble and non-confrontational, an ISFJ may not advocate for themselves as much as necessary. They may accept more of the blame for the relationship ending then due. They will do well have to have strong advocate in this process.

In grip stress, the ISFJ may become overly pessimistic, scatter-brained and anxious. They have a hard time remembering details and may accidently blow off appointments and other commitments.

How their strengths may help them through:

ISFJ parents are adept at creating stable, secure, and happy lives for their children and are good at paying attention to the details that make each child most comforted.

While they are resistant to change, they are good in a crisis. They are talented at making long-lasting friendships and if they are willing to accept the kind of help they often offer, many people in their lives will come to assist.

Biggest challenges:

True free spirits, ISFP’s struggle with plans and long-term goals. This can include lack of planning around career goals, and financial planning. Commitment isn’t their strong suit and they are known for changing their minds on a whim. This unpredictability can lead to turbulant relationships and outbursts by the ISFP.

ISFP’s avoid feeling controlled or manipulated at all costs. They are likely to leave a partner if they feel stifled or controlled.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

Since divorce is a legal process and settlements are essentially final, ISFP’s do not do well with both the details and considering the long-term impact of decisions during this time. They may come to the table with one plan and quickly change their minds the next time.

ISFP’s are sensitive to stress and are easily overwhelmed in situations with too much stimulation. They avoid conflict and take criticism especially hard.

Under grip stress, an ISFP may feel disconnected from their feelings and values. They get nitpicky about logic and assume the worst in others.

How their strengths may help them through :

ISFP will do best right now to lean on those people in their lives who appreciate who they truly are. ISFP’s need a safe space to talk about their feelings and express themselves creatively. Getting back to their artistic roots will help an ISFP navigate a stressful time and put the fun back into the lives of their children.

Biggest challenges:

ESFP’s, normally the life of the party, can be both flighty and bored easily. They shy away from conflict, preferring to do what’s fun instead of what’s necessary. When a partner no longer wants to engage in the fun or adventurous goals that the ESFP has, the ESFP will want to move on to find a partner who has the same zest for life they do.

In grip stress the ESFP easily becomes tired and worried. They may avoid socializing and fixate on responsibilities and obsessively catastrophize.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

When stressed the usually fun ESFP may focus on the all the negative possibilities of their decisions and make them paranoid. Naturally indecisive, they may seem committed to one settlement option and then easily change their minds.

ESFP’s are especially sensitive to criticism. They care deeply about what others think of them and want to make others happy. They will do best to talk through decisions with more steady friends and professionals before agreeing to anything that will affect them long-term.

How their strengths may help them through:

When calm, ESFP’s are both practical and sensible. They can make good rational decisions and rely on their senses to help others – including their children- through difficult times. Easily being in the moment, ESFP’s with support and effort, can get back to the fun and spontaneous people they are.

Having excellent social skills, ESFP’s large support network can be a good support for them at this time.

Biggest challenges:

ESFJ’s can be wonderful friends to others, but forget about their own needs in the process. Highly relational and sensitive, they struggle more than other types when relationships end, blaming themselves and falling into negativity.

When stressed, their desire to control outcomes is high and they can become highly inflexible. Less feelings types may struggle with the perceived neediness of an ESFJ under stress.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

Natural caretakers and worriers, ESFJ’s aren’t great with self-care especially when they are stressed. They have a tendency to stretch themselves too thin. They don’t handle change well and may drag their feet in accepting that their marriage is over.

Because ESFJ’s are conflict adverse and people-pleasers, they need to make sure they are advocating for themselves during the divorce process. When extremely stressed, they assume the worst in others and need to check in with others to make sure they are giving their spouse the benefit of the doubt.

Many types struggle with their new single status but none more than the ESFJ. Traditionalists happy to be in a partnership condoned by society, having a marriage end can feel like a fall from grace.

How their strengths may help them through:

Generous and reliable, ESFJ’s are good at remembering and implementing routines that they and their family members can find comfort in.

Knowing how to take care of others, they will do well to turn this special focus on themselves right now and make sure they are taking good care of their own needs.

Biggest challenges:

ESTJ’s are natural leaders but can inflexible and stubborn, only seeing things their way. They can also be overly concerned with how others perceive them – wanting above else to appear competent.

ESTJ’s do not like to be in relationships with others who hold them back and this includes their spouse. ESTJ’s are likely to end a relationship with a spouse who does not support their individual goals.

ESTJ’s are more comfortable with facts than feelings and can be insensitive to others when challenged. They can be rigid and serious, forgetting to slow down and relax.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

When paired with more sensitive partners, ESTJ’s can struggle with their partner’s need for emotional intimacy. They are straight-forward and efficient communicators and can easily hurt their partners feelings with their bluntness.

Compromise isn’t always the ESTJ’s strong suit, especially when they believe they are in the right. When negotiating a divorce settlement, ESTJ’s may dig in their heels and refuse to consider alternative offers. More concerned with their own success, ESTJ’s may need to step back and see how their spouses success may also meet their goals.

How their strengths may help them through:

ESTJ’s take their commitments and roles seriously and have a sense of responsibility to make things right. An ESTJ is unlikely to leave an ex-partner destitute, especially if they are co-parenting a child together.

ESTJ’s are organized and predictable. Getting through the paperwork and process is easier for this type and they are less likely to drag their feet.

ESTJ’s may have an easier time moving on from a marriage and stay the course with their individual goals.

Biggest challenges:

Social butterflies, the ESTP often act before they think, fixing mistakes as they go instead of using forethought. This impatience can lead to risky and impulsive behavior and negative consequences. They can be blunt and have a difficult time with emotions – theirs and others. Deep emotional connections aren’t usually as satisfying to this type and they may grow bored of a partner who demands this from them.

ESTP’s are one of the most likely types to quickly end a relationship instead of putting in the hard work to see if it can last. If they are married to someone who values conversation and analyzing what could be improved they will be a difficult partner to deal with.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

When dealing with legal agreements, ESTP’s need to slow down and use thinking partners, lest they agree to something they don’t really want long-term. Living in the moment, they often don’t see the big picture and the ramifications of important decisions in the long run. They bore easily and don’t like to sit still and may need to be told something several times to let it sink in.

ESTP’s are direct communicators and good at pushing their agenda and ideas. They may need to step back and consider their spouses point of view and needs. They do not do well with authority figures and may find dealing with judges and social workers especially difficult.

In grip stress, ESTP’s can be forgetful and unfocused, depressed and focus only on the negative. They may assume the worst intentions from their spouse and paranoid about getting screwed over.

How their strengths may help them through:

ESTP’s are full of passion and energy and make things fun for themselves and others. They are out of the box thinkers and may find unique solutions to traditional problems faced by people who are divorcing.

They are perceptive and good at noticing even the smallest changes in their children who may struggle through this transition. They make fun playmates and can keep their children busy with fun, spontaneous activities. ESTP’s are good at letting their kids be themselves. ESTP’s may need to do some extra work to emotionally bond with their hurting children, however.

Adventurous, they may reenter the dating world with gusto and move on from past hurts more quickly.

Biggest challenges:

The ISTP is quiet and unpredictable and while they allow others into their worlds, they have a tendency to be private and independent. They tend to value things over people. They don’t like to be pushed into commitment and may see a heavier feeling type to be needy and smothering.

While rational, the ISTP can be impulsive and often changes their mind. They can lack the commitment to one project or person when they are bored which leads to chaos in their relationships. They also lack boundaries and can misread social cues which many other types find frustrating.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

When challenged, the ISTP is more likely that other types to dig in their heels and forget to use sensitivity to their partner’s needs. When bored, they are more likely to engage in risky behavior forgetting the impact on others.

They may lack the commitment and communication to negotiate a settlement that will be good for their long-term future. They feel uncomfortable with feelings and more businesslike and less sensitive to a spouse during a divorce process.

Under grip stress, The ISTP may feel disorganized and have trouble concentrating. They may take things especially personally and wonder if they are lovable.

ISTP’s may not do the emotional processing needed after a divorce to gain understanding and insight into their own role and behavior.

How their strengths may help them through:

While ISTP’s may not always get emotions, they are great in a crisis and know how to prioritize. Natural doers, they know how roll up their sleeves and get the job done. ISTP’s are less prone to stress, living in the moment and not worrying as much about the future.

ISTP’s have the ability to end their relationships on a more positive note because they are less likely to use nasty tactics during the divorce.

Naturally optimistic, they may be the calm parent in the storm that their kids need during this time. Their fun and hands on style will help kids bond to their ISTP parent after the divorce.

Biggest challenges:

ISTJ’s are traditional and appreciate structure. They do not appreciate others who try to bend the rules or manipulate situations for their personal gain. They can be rigid and judgmental when challenged.

ISTJ’s are most likely to end a relationship if they feel that trust has been broken or if their partner isn’t fulfilling the duties they agreed to.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

ISTJ’s may view a less traditional or structured spouse as lazy or dishonest. Prone to resentment, the ISTJ isn’t always good at voicing their feelings and can let this resentment build over time.

ISTJ’s are good at the negotiating table – relying on fairness and their feelings of responsibility. Able to rely on reason, they can treat a marriage ending much like a business relationship ending.

They would be wise to get in touch with difficult feelings that divorce brings up as they naturally shy away from feelings and are prone to depression when their feelings are ignored or go unprocessed. This type may take a divorce particularly hard, seeing it a failure to their commitment to their partner and children.

How their strengths may help them through:

ISTJ’s value integrity and being true to their word. They are reliable and practical, making them steadfast in a crisis and under stress.

They are also loyal and take their commitments seriously including setting up a comfortable and safe home for their children post divorce. This is a good time for ISTJ’s to remember how difficult divorce can be for their kids, and loosen up the strict regiments they often have.

Looking for a coach to help you see your blind spots and capitalize on your strengths during a divorce? Want a deeper understanding about how your Myers Briggs type will impact you during a stressful divorce? Please contact me – I look forward to working with you!

June 12, 2022

Ask Divorce Coach · Co-Parenting · Family · Grief · Single Mom

Ask Divorce Coach – January 2022

This one is all about telling your spouse you want a divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I’ve been married for almost ten years and just can’t stand to be with my husband anymore. He drives me absolutely crazy and brings out the worst in me. I have felt dead inside for years. We have one child who is eight. I’m embarrassed to admit this but I’ve also been having an affair for the last few months. This experience made me realize that I am capable of loving someone and that I can feel something again although I don’t see it as anything lasting long-term. Do I really need to disclose this? What do I need to think about before I tell my husband I want a divorce?

– Alive Again

Dear Alive Again,

While I believe honesty (kind honesty) is usually best, you will also want to do some research regarding your state’s divorce laws, particularly in light of the affair. You may also want to speak to an attorney in your state first. Here are some specific things to look up and talk to an attorney about:

Do you live in an “at-fault” state?
What does it mean if you are the one to move out?
What is typical in terms of child custody and child support?
How does spousal maintenance (or alimony work?)

Some other important things to understand before proceeding would be having a firm understanding of your family finances, knowing how to access all accounts, and thinking about where everyone will live and what it would take if one of you wants to keep the house. I would also give some strong consideration to how you will tell your child and how what you want in place to make this transition as smooth as possible for them. Working with a divorce coach can be a game-changer both emotionally and financially during this difficult time. Best of luck!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband and I have had a loveless marriage for the last five years. While the first 15 years were good, we are essentially roommates now. We tried marriage counseling a few years back but stopped going because he didn’t like what she had to say. We don’t communicate well at all and although he is probably thinking the same thing, we haven’t actually talked about separation or divorce. It’s going to be a big change for us and I’m not even sure how I want to bring it up or what to say.

– Lost for words

Dear Lost for Words,

Telling your spouse you want a divorce can be difficult in any circumstance. This is someone who has been a major part of your life for a long time. Even when things are less than ideal, we can find comfort in situations that are familiar or give us what we expect. Any major conversation is best had when both parties are well-rested and are not distracted by something else going on in their environment. Assuming that you feel safe with your husband, the conversation is best had in a private space like your home and done face-to-face. If you do not feel safe, then a phone conversation or even a letter is appropriate.

Next, you will need to decide how much you want to share about the reasons for your decision. It’s also a good idea to think about what you do not want to say, like things you’ll regret later, mean-spirited things you can’t take back, etc. I would also read what I wrote to the last letter writer. Some people approach this conversation wanting to impose the most hurt possible. I urge you to pause and take some time if this is your motivation. Divorce proceedings are unlikely to go well if the stage is set poorly in the beginning.

On the receiver’s end, most people want to know what went wrong in the marriage as it helps them to move forward. I encourage you to own your own part in what happened and to be clear about what you want. Giving mixed signals about whether the initial separation is temporary vs permanent can lead to a lot of anxiety and anger. The clearer you are about how you want to proceed the better. I’ve worked with a number of women to help them tell their husbands and I urge you to hire a coach or talk to a therapist to help you gain this clarity.

January 30, 2022

Co-Parenting · Direction · Life · Single Mom

To Stay or Go? Some Important Considerations

When considering whether to stay or go in your marriage or long-term relationship, the agony is often palpable. I don’t believe anyone can answer this question for you, but a coach and/or therapist can help by asking you thoughtful questions to help you arrive at your own decision. When I work with clients, I ask them to consider a few key things.

You can leave for any reason that feels right to you

You might think that in order to leave a situation (a relationship, a job, etc.) your suffering has to be so bad, that there is no other reasonable choice. While I encourage you to exhaust all possibilities to make a relationship work (couples therapy, retreats, talking to religious clergy, living apart, etc.), making the decision to call it quits before things get really ugly is a gift to you, your spouse, your kids or anyone else in your life. Leaving when things are at their absolute worst, often creates a hostile environment for divorce settlement and fighting over custody and other important issues.

Imagine what relief you might feel ending your relationship while you still had some goodwill and respect for your partner. If you are a parent, imagine how much more smooth co-parenting might go. Maybe you struggle to think about your spouse in a positive light. Start by considering your relationship and your partner holistically. List all of their positive traits. Ask yourself these questions:

What do I like most about my partner?
Why did I choose them in the beginning?
How have they grown in our relationship?
How do they show up well in other areas and relationships in their lives?
What important things have they taught me?

You make your own happiness

We have been told and often buy into the idea that it is our partner’s job to make us happy and feel loved. With this model, loving someone becomes very transactional. You do what your partner wants so they feel good and then they do what you want in return. It’s often how relationships begin – you feel generous and loving and you do nice things for your partner. Your partner does the same for you. This reciprocity of loving actions helps you “fall in love.” You feel amazing about the kind of partner you are and amazing about the kind of partner they are. Inevitably, this intense focus isn’t sustainable and one or both of you feel disappointed over time.

I find the information in the book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman valuable, but it’s important to recognize these as preferences, not absolutes. Do you have a list of things your partner must do for you (or not do) in order to feel loved? Do you withhold love when they do not live up to your standards? This tit-for-tat approach often results in a stalemate – each partner only providing love or loving actions conditioned on the other’s behavior. As you can imagine, loving feelings do not blossom when there is a climate of criticism. Your relationship starts to break down when your partner feels criticized for not loving you the way you want to be loved. Criticism breeds resentment, resentment breeds contempt and this often leads to throwing in the towel. Consider the mental and emotional toll alone for this score-keeping behavior. It’s one of the main reasons marriage experts, John and Julie Gottman labeled criticism as one of the “four horsemen.”

Perhaps you are the one feeling judged or criticized by your partner. Consider this – your partner’s criticisms are often a reflection of their own insecurities, and not of you. What they judge and criticize you for are most likely things they like least about themselves.

What is the harm in believing that someone else’s job is to love us the way we demand to be loved? First, if you believe that you can only feel love when someone else provides it, you are completely dependent on them to feel good.

When you give someone else the responsibility to make you feel a certain way, you rob yourself of your personal power.

What is the alternative? What if you decided it was your job to make yourself happy and your partner’s job to make themselves happy? Take a look again at the list of things you think your partner has to do for you to feel loved. What can you choose to give yourself instead of depending on them for it? You may find that what you crave most is actually more satisfying when you give it to yourself.

Additionally, what if you choose to love your partner just because you wanted to? Might you feel less judged and less judgemental of them? Might you see your partner more clearly – as a human being with flaws and natural defenses quite like your own?

In the end, you may decide that leaving is best, and that’s totally okay. But loving yourself first and providing your own happiness will only serve you well in future relationships.

There may or may not be someone else out there that’s a better fit

If you’ve changed or grown quite a bit since you first met your partner, and you believe they haven’t grown or changed in the same way, you may no longer be compatible in many key ways. In considering whether to stay or go, it is important to examine the nature of what has changed. A few good questions to ask yourself are, “do I still fundamentally respect my partner and do we still share the same core values?” Another good question is “would I still choose this person now if I just met them?”

It is easily to slip into the fantasy that there is a much better partner out there and that a new person will have the good qualities of your current partner, but none of the bad. This “grass is greener” mentality can lead to a very disappointing outcome. All people come with their own flaws, emotional hurts, and defenses.

On the contrary, you might feel that if you leave your current partner who may be a very bad fit for you, that you will have “wasted time.” I encourage you to consider that no time or experience is a “waste” but just a set of circumstances that led you to who and where you are now.

You can stand or like being alone at least in the short-term

There’s one common denominator in every relationship you are in – you! If you don’t like yourself much, having a different partner is unlikely to change that. Maybe your worst fear is “being alone.” Are you staying in your relationship out of fear of facing yourself? Maybe you feel you’ve “lost yourself” in your relationship. Whether you are in a relationship or not, you can always choose to get to know yourself better. I encourage clients to read books, listen to podcasts, talk to me and/or a therapist to learn about themselves.

Falling in love with your own company is the best gift you can possibly give yourself.

Imagine really liking yourself and knowing your preferences. Removing the fear of “being alone” gives you a much better perspective about yourself, your partner and your relationship. Being alone for now also doesn’t mean being alone “forever.” Your romantic relationship should also not be fulfilling all of your social needs. A balanced social life includes relationships with family and friends. If you find that you are not in balance, consider deepening existing relationships or creating new ones. If you leave your current partner, there may be more space in your life that you will want to fill – but consider this an opportunity instead of a burden. What might you learn? Who might you become?

If you are considering leaving your partner and want a thinking partner, I would love to work with you. Together we can explore your current situation, where your thoughts might be getting you stuck, and how you can move forward with intention.

December 27, 2021

Ask Divorce Coach · Co-Parenting · Family · Grief · Single Mom

Ask Divorce Coach – November

This one is all about telling your kids you’re getting a divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I decided years ago I wanted a divorce but have waited until the kids are grown and out of the house. That day has finally come. My son is 20 and my daughter is 18 and off to college. I don’t think they will be terribly surprised by my news – my husband and my relationship has been strained for a long time and they don’t have a close relationship with him either. However, I am feeling so much anxiety and I’m not sure what to say, when to say it, or what to do with the stuff they still have in the house. Do you have any advice about telling the kids about the divorce?

– Mom of adult kids

Dear Mom of Adult Kids,

I’ve had a number of clients who I’ve helped communicate to their adult children about their desire for separation and divorce. It can be difficult to know what to share and what not to share with your adult kids. First, I think it’s important to consider your relationship with each child, what kind of communication works best with them within the context of your relationship, and how this conversation might set the stage for your relationship in the future. No matter what their age, most children do not want to see their parents divorce. In your case, if their relationship is strained with their dad, they may have mixed feelings. Either way, allowing them to have and express whatever feelings they do have when you tell them, is the best gift you can give them. In-person is also best, but if your kids are not close in proximity and you don’t want to wait until you will see them again, a video call (zoom, FaceTime, etc.) is next best. Timing is important – make sure that you are both in a physical and emotional space to talk and listen. Planning the call in advance can help with that. In terms of the content of your message, working that out and even doing a role play with a divorce coach can be extremely helpful. If that isn’t an option, I recommend at the least using these concepts to guide you: brief, kind and address how it will affect them. In your explanation, do not disparage your husband or overshare the intimate details of your marriage. If they have questions, think ahead of time about what boundaries you will want to enforce. Also, be prepared that they may have some guilt if they put two and two together about the fact that you’ve remained in an unhappy marriage due to them. Reminding them that this is your decision and feels like the right time for YOU is key. Encourage them to continue to have whatever relationship they’d like with their dad (but be clear that you won’t be in the middle) and that time during holidays and special events can be worked out fairly in the future. As for their stuff, ask them directly what they’d like for you to do. Good luck!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I have young kids (5 and 7) and my husband and I are getting a divorce. He told me recently that he had a brief affair with a co-worker. On top of that, he got a great promotion but the new position is across the country. He desperately wants us to move to the new city with him so he can see the kids regularly, but my family is here and I have no interest in uprooting our lives. I’m so angry with him about the affair and I’m sure that’s affecting my feelings about doing anything that might be helpful to him too. The kids have seen us fight a lot these last few months and know that something is up. I know it’s wrong to tell them what a jerk their dad is and that a job is more important to him than they are but I also don’t want them to think I’m doing this to them on purpose. How do I tell the kids and keep my anger out of it?

– Angry mama

Dear Angry Mama,

I’m so sorry you’re in such a tough spot. It sounds like you feel very angry, hurt, and I am guessing a good deal of rejection from the news of his affair. It feels incredibly sad when we are abandoned by someone we love. I think understanding this link – being abandoned = hurt and rejection can guide you in understanding how your kids might feel about the news that their dad is leaving. As a mom, we often put our own feelings aside to be a soft place for our kids to land when they are hurting. It doesn’t mean that you can’t share all of your most honest feelings with your friends and family and get the support you need. I highly recommend that you trust your intuition and do your best to leave that out of your conversations with your kids, however. The affair happened in your marriage, not in their parent-to-child relationship. Someday they might learn about it, but your relationship with them will be better if this information does not come from you. If you have decided to stay put in your community, then it is up to your husband to decide whether he is willing to move or not. For your kids’ sake, having as good of a relationship with him as possible will benefit them now and in the future. I encourage you to help facilitate that as much as possible, despite your anger with him. In terms of sharing the news with them, if possible, it’s best for it to come from both of you. Working with a divorce coach to find the right words can be helpful. Best of luck!

November 30, 2021

Ask Divorce Coach · Co-Parenting · Dating · Divorce and the holidays · Family · Grief · Single Mom

Ask Divorce Coach – September

This one is all about divorce and the holidays. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I got divorced last year and this is the first year I’ll be spending Thanksgiving without my kids. Even though it’s a few months away, I can’t help but feel so much grief and anger about it. My ex-husband wanted the divorce and while I’ve worked through a lot of hard feelings, this brings it right back to the surface. How do I get through this incredibly hard time?

– I hate divorce and the holidays

Dear Hating Divorce,

Divorce has a way of bringing all kinds of emotions to the surface and the holidays are definitely no exception. Because Thanksgiving is still a few months away, I wonder if you’d considered how’d you like to spend the actual day? I’m sure it’s hard to think about making plans without your kids but my experience tells me that no plan is often the hardest for the first-holiday season post-divorce. When I say “plan” I don’t necessarily mean a plan to spend it with others (although it can help) but not making a conscious choice that will lead to a defacto “alone” day. If you decide to make a choice to spend it by yourself, that’s fine. As for the emotions, I think it’s good, although unpleasant, to feel all of your emotions instead of bottling them up. Working with a divorce coach or a therapist can help you manage your thoughts and emotions so you don’t feel engulfed by them or take them out on others. The first holidays after divorce are very difficult for most people – you will survive them, but having support from friends, family, and professionals is very much advised.

Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-husband has a new girlfriend and he wants to incorporate her into our holiday traditions this year with our kids. We’ve had a decent co-parenting relationship the last few years but this new development is making me uneasy and my kids aren’t handling it well either. I guess we are a bit unusual in that since the divorce we’ve spent Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas day every year all-together including my parents who are local. They think I’m crazy to even consider having her be a part of our holidays. I feel like there are so many people with so many big feelings about this and I’m caught up in the middle. What do you think I should do?

– New girlfriend for Christmas?

Dear New Girlfriend,

Wow, that is a lot of people to manage! Here is something you may not have thought of but will hopefully give you a lot of relief. While you are responsible for your own feelings and working out the details and your boundaries for holiday events this year, you are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions. Period. So I encourage you to get clear about what you want, what is most child-centered and let the other adults deal with it. This is a foreign concept for a lot of women. If you fall into this category and find yourself often making decisions to please others, it will feel uncomfortable. Maybe you don’t even know what you want? You will also want to obviously check what your parenting plan says – does it specify who gets what holiday time with the kids? While you haven’t relied on it so far (which has been such a great thing for the kids, I’m sure) you may need to revisit it and decide if you’d rather split up your time this year. If that is the case, then you really have no say over what your ex does with his holiday. Does that feel worse than including her if your ex is agreeable? It’s a very personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. Since y0u have a history of a good co-parenting relationship with your ex, I also encourage you to think about how putting aside your own feelings (assuming she treats your kids respectfully) might serve your kids and the co-parenting relationship in the long run. Someday, you may also have a partner you’d like to be in the mix, and any groundwork you do now will only help to benefit you in the future.

September 30, 2021

Ask Divorce Coach · Direction · Single Mom

Ask Divorce Coach – August

This one is all about considering divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I’m becoming more and more unhappy in my marriage as the pandemic drones on. Spending more time with my husband has brought out the worst in both of us. We’ve only been married for three years but I’m feeling like I’m trapped and that I made a mistake marrying him. He’s not willing to see a marriage therapist and although he admits things are bad, he doesn’t seem to feel as strongly as I do about a possible divorce. I feel like I need to decide quickly – I am in my late thirties and want to have kids. The way I see my husband treat our dogs is what is really making me question having kids with him. He is very strict and even borderline abusive to them. When I imagine him with a child I feel scared. Do I get out now and cut my losses?

– Considering divorce with an angry husband

Dear Considering Divorce,

The pandemic has many couples looking more closely at their marriage. Between the stress of finances and change to in most cases, more time together, things have been difficult for everyone. I am sure seeing your husband at his worst is difficult to watch. I am curious what drew you to him in the first place? What do you love most about him? It can be difficult to have a balanced perspective of someone when he is not dealing well with stress. You mention he’s not willing to go to marriage counseling. Is he willing to go to individual therapy? Have you shared your concerns about the way he is with your dogs? If he is willing to work on the marriage outside of seeing a therapist I recommend reading Harville Hendrix “Getting the Love You Want” together or any of the materials and books by John and Julie Gottman. I find that when working with individuals who are considering divorce, they feel best about their decision when they’ve exhausted all avenues in trying to make the marriage work. I commend you for thinking about what kind of a parent you want to be and what kind of a co-parent you want. I certainly do not recommend ignoring any intuitive feelings you have about abuse. My hope for you both is that if he’s willing to work on himself and the marriage you’ll get a clearer picture of him and his capacity to parent. I also recommend hiring a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® to help you further examine your path.

Dear Divorce Coach,

Last year during marriage counseling my husband revealed that he’d had an affair. We’ve done some work to repair and I’m working on forgiving him. Our sex life is still non-existent – I feel rage when I think about being intimate with him. I feel like I’ve put a lot of work into making the marriage work but I have serious doubts that I’ll ever trust him again. We have a fourteen-year-old child and honestly, if it wasn’t for them I’d be out the door. I know staying in a marriage for your kids isn’t the best idea, but my child is struggling with their gender identity right now and it feels like a really bad time to create more uncertainty for them. My husband says he made a big mistake and really wants us to stay married. He guilt trips me about our child when I talk about the possibility of splitting up. Any words of advice?

– Considering divorce after infidelity

Dear Considering Divorce After Infidelity,

My heart goes out to you. Trying to heal from infidelity is difficult and often a long road. Trust is one of, if not the most important things in a healthy relationship and it sounds like your struggling to see a path forward where you trust your husband again. While I know couples that have foraged this path with success by working consistently on redeveloping trust, it’s not the path for everyone. You brought up staying in the marriage because of your child who is struggling. Do they have a therapist you can talk to about their thoughts on how a separation would affect them right now? There is a saying “there is never a good time for a divorce.” I do understand that there may be some times that are better than others, however. I am guessing that your child is old enough to understand that their mom and dad aren’t getting along. Even without direct conflict, kids are very perceptive about tension among family members. Your kiddo might be more aware than you think about how unhappy you are. I definitely recommend you talk to a divorce coach or therapist who can help you with the decision, and how to best transition your kiddo if you decide to end the marriage. How you handle things moving forward is more important than the decision itself.

August 30, 2021

Dating · Single Mom

Are you Ready to Date after Divorce?

Are you Ready to Date?

My short answer to this question is that it’s an extremely personal decision. Only you can really decide what is right for you but here are some things to consider when deciding if you are ready to date after divorce.

Time is your friend

When a significant relationship ends, there will be grief. Allowing yourself to truly experience and name the losses associated with your divorce takes time. Often people feel out of control and lost when they first separate. There is a good reason members of my divorce support group called the time of separation from their partner “crazy time”.

It was like half of my brain was always somewhere else, unable to fully focus on what was right in front of me….

Needless to say, this is not a great time to be focusing on anybody but YOU. In the book, Rebuilding, the authors note that many of us need to relearn how to love, and this starts with loving ourselves. The fundamental questions that come up around “who am I now?” should be addressed. Relearning who you are and what you like as a single person is greatly beneficial for you and any future partner. Take the time before your divorce is legalized and beyond to fully lean into self-exploration. Take this time to date yourself.

The question of why

It’s important to know why you want to date and be as honest with yourself as possible about it. Below are two lists – one is a list of healthy reasons you might start dating, and the other is a list of reasons that should give you pause.

Healthy Reasons

Unhealthy Reasons

Polling the audience

People in your lives will have opinions about when you should start dating – some of them will think you are waiting too long, and some may think you need to wait longer. My advice is to weigh the opinions of only trusted friends and family members your divorce coach or therapist. Divorced people sustain enough judgment, do not invite more into your life.

Don’t be influenced by what your ex is doing

A lot of women I know have caved to the pressure to start dating because their ex has. While it’s natural to have negative feelings about your ex finding someone new, it’s not healthy to ruminate on it or have it influence your process. One of the first things I recommend clients do is unfollow their ex on social media. There is nothing more startling than to see a new person on their arm in your feed. If (God forbid) you happen to encounter your ex on a dating app, I recommend blocking them immediately. Do not read their profile, do not analyze their pictures to see which ones you’ve been cropped out of, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars. Period.

Know what you want

The clearer you are about why you want to date and who you want to date, the better. While dating presents a unique opportunity to try people on to see what fits, it’s better to have a basic idea of who you’re looking for and what kind of a relationship you want. To read more on this topic, see my blog post here. Many people right out of the gate are not looking for something serious. Being honest about this with yourself and your dates will save you a lot of headaches. Give yourself permission to just have fun and meet new people – but be safe – both in and out of the bedroom.

If you feel ready for a long term relationship, it’s best to come to it from a secure place in being alone. Personally, I find that when I’m dating and miserable it’s because I’m not living within my values or I’m continuing to date someone who I need to set free.

You want someone who will enhance your life, not fill the holes only you can fill.

A special consideration – single parent dating

To date after divorce presents its own set of challenges for single parents. Time and energy is a major consideration, especially for those who have full or majority custody. Discretion and privacy are also concerns and ground rules are a must. Depending on the age of your kids, keeping your dating life private may be easier or harder. Below are some quick tips for dating single parents.

Quick Tips for Dating Parents

Don’t post photos in your online dating profile of your kids
Turn off text and app notifications on online dating apps when your kids are around.
Be mindful of the content from text conversations on your phone
Kids can know you are going on dates, but they don’t need to know any other details
Let well-meaning friends & family know that you won’t be discussing your dating life when your kids are around
Avoid places (restaurants, coffee shops, parks, etc.) where you might run into your kids
Be upfront with dates that you have kids but don’t share personal details about them
Wait to introduce your kids until the relationship is serious

Ready to date, but need some extra support?

June 18, 2020

Page 1 of 2

Single Mom

The most challenging narcissistic traits

Divorcing a narcissist

Tips for navigating a divorce with a narcissist

Getting support

The common reasons women consider divorce

Mental load & uneven division of labor

Feeling shut out

Addiction & Infidelity

Getting support

The Enneagram

The Enneagram and Divorce

Stress and Your Type

Type One: The Perfectionist

Helpful tips

Type Two: The Helper

Helpful tips

Type Three: The Performer

Helpful tips

Type Four: The Romantic

Helpful tips

Type Five: The Investigator

Helpful tips

Type Six: The Loyalist

Helpful tips

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

Helpful tips

Type Eight: The Challenger

Helpful tips

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

Helpful tips

In Conclusion

You can leave for any reason that feels right to you

You make your own happiness

When you give someone else the responsibility to make you feel a certain way, you rob yourself of your personal power.

You can stand or like being alone at least in the short-term

Falling in love with your own company is the best gift you can possibly give yourself.

Are you Ready to Date?

Time is your friend

It was like half of my brain was always somewhere else, unable to fully focus on what was right in front of me….

The question of why

Healthy Reasons

Unhealthy Reasons

Polling the audience

Don’t be influenced by what your ex is doing

Know what you want

You want someone who will enhance your life, not fill the holes only you can fill.

A special consideration – single parent dating

Quick Tips for Dating Parents

Ready to date, but need some extra support?

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