conflict resolution with partner Archives

Ask Divorce Coach

Ask Divorce Coach – May

This one is all about dealing with difficult exes and divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-husband has been out of work since April 2020 and his behavior is really starting to concern me. He was prone to depression when we were married but always got out of bed. Now he only gets out of bed to grab the kids and rarely engages with them when he has them. I have primary custody so they don’t spend a lot of time with him, but he does have them every other weekend. The kids (9 and 8) are telling me that the whole place smells, he only gets them fast food and doesn’t enforce bedtime. I am concerned for my kids and honestly for him. What can I do?

– Worried mama

Dear Worried Mama,

I hear how concerned you are for both your kids and for your ex. It is hard to see someone stop taking care of themselves and fall into a cycle of depression, especially when this is someone you rely on to take care of your kids. You didn’t mention if you’ve tried to speak with him, but I’d encourage you to try that route first. Come from a place of compassion and point out what the kids have noticed with as little judgment as possible. See if he’s willing to get help from a therapist or psychiatrist. If he is unwilling, ask him if he feels he can care for your kids. You may need to make a tough decision about getting more time with your kids until he is able to care for them. If you feel your kids are in danger, and he is unwilling to make any changes, you may want to talk to your attorney about the custody situation. In the meantime, let your kids know that their dad is unwell right now, that he loves them and that in time you hope he will get better.

Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-husband and I don’t see eye-to-eye when it comes to our kids spending time with his family. Since he’s gotten a new girlfriend, our son is often left with his parents for overnights. I’ve never liked his mom – she is extremely religious (and I am not) and conservative and is teaching him things that I don’t agree with. When he comes back to my house, I hear all about how he was forced to go to church, how being gay is a sin and how overblown Covid is. It makes me want to pull all my hair out. I’ve gotten into it several times with my ex but he says I’m getting worked up over nothing. What can I do?

– Grandma Hater

Dear Grandma Hater,

Unfortunately, when we get divorced and have kids, we still have to deal with our ex’s family, at least to a certain extent. When I read your comments, I’m left wondering how your son feels about all of this. Does he like going to church? Is he bummed that he doesn’t get more time with his dad? Does he like spending time with his grandparents? If you don’t know how he feels, I encourage you to find out. Depending on his age, you may encourage him to speak to his dad about his feelings. That will go a lot further than you arguing with your ex about your feelings.

Unless there is something explicit in your parenting plan about what is allowed (or not allowed), you may have to find a way to deal with some of these issues. Modeling and speaking to your son directly about your own values is one thing that is in your control. You could have a chat with your ex’s mom but I have a feeling based on what you said she’s got a pretty strong opinion that is in direct opposition to yours. If you do approach her, appeal to her mom-to-mom and ask her nicely if she’d be willing to consider holding her tongue with some of her rhetoric around your son. Dealing with difficult exes is hard work, keep your chin up!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-wife has primary custody of our three kids. We got divorced three years ago and she has switched careers. She recently told me that she’s going to move of state for a better job in the Fall. I absolutely do not want her to move. I have a business here and it would be hard for me to leave my aging parents. The thought of not seeing my kids every week is devastating. I can hardly even process this. How can I get through this?

– Devasted Dad

Dear Devasted Dad,

What a difficult situation! My heart goes out to you. Since it’s not yet Fall, you have some time to think about what your options are. While it is emotionally difficult to think about, I do encourage you to take this time for both your sake and your kids’ sake and carefully contemplate each option. If you decide to stay, you could consider a travel schedule (for you or the kids) or come up with a less conventional schedule where you have the kids during the summer and/or holidays. Is it possible for you to live some months or weeks in the other location and work remotely? There are Airbnb’s that cater to such situations. If you move to where they are, what are the chances that your ex-wife will move again? What are your job prospects? Can you afford a place that your kids can stay with you? Who else can help out with your aging parents? I have probably given you enough to chew on with that. I encourage you to hire a divorce coach if you need further support through this difficult situation.

May 31, 2021

Ask Divorce Coach

Ask Divorce Coach – April

This one is all about kids and divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My partner and I have decided to separate. We’ve tried couples counseling with several therapists, gone on a couples retreat and even tried to open our marriage but nothing has worked. We constantly disagree and the tension is getting horrible in the house. We have tween twins and I am terrified to tell them that we have failed in our relationship and they must now deal with two households. We’ve read some books on kids and divorce but I am left with more questions than answers as there is conflicting advice in these books. At this point, I am not sure what to say (and what not to say). Do you have any tips?

– Terrified moms

Dear Terrified Moms,

First I want to commend you on coming together on this issue. It sounds like you both desire a good outcome for your kids through the separation of your household. It is totally normal to approach this conversation with some fear and trepidation. Dealing with kids and divorce can be tricky and sometimes it’s hard to find the exact words. I do have some ideas about what you want to communicate to the kids and I recommend you all sit down together at a time when you are well-rested and have the space to process questions they may have. Here are some of the basics you want to communicate:

This divorce is not your fault. There is nothing about you or your behavior that has contributed to this decision to split.
We will always love you and be your moms.
You will not have to act as the go-between between us. We will communicate directly with each other.
You have a right to your feelings about this separation/divorce. We will listen to and acknowledge your feelings openly without getting defensive.
You are safe and we will try to make this transition as smooth as possible. We will inform you of upcoming changes and maintain your schedule as much as possible.

Here are things you want to avoid:

Telling the kids too many details of why the romantic relationship has ended. You want to be honest, but you can be brief. “We don’t get along anymore and have tried hard to make it work, but we feel it is best to separate” is good enough.
Blaming each other. This is about change, not blame. While you may have strong feelings about who is the catalyst for the split or who made hurtful mistakes in the relationship, keep this out of this and all conversations with your kids.

Dear Divorce Coach,

My wife and I are having issues co-parenting our son after our divorce. We have totally different ideas about what he needs from the amount of time on technology to what kinds of activities we want him in. For example, she has signed him up for soccer and he hates any kind of group sports. When a practice day falls on my day, I just don’t take him and this makes him happy. He confides in me about how much his mom doesn’t get our mutual interest in gaming and I tell him she never got me either. It seems to be bonding us together more. His mom also demands that he showers at least once when he’s at my house but I cave when he doesn’t want to. I don’t think it’s that important. I know it would be good for us to work together but I don’t want to follow her ridiculous rules. What do you think?

– Freedom loving dad

Dear Freedom Loving Dad,

You clearly want to have a good relationship with your son and spend time with him which is great. Being a single parent can be challenging and so is co-parenting with an ex that you don’t see eye to eye with. However, several of the things you have said concern me and I want to give you some things to consider.

For issues like taking a shower, ask yourself if you would make the same parenting decision if you were still in one household or if you were the only household. It sounds like you recognize that you are giving in when he doesn’t want to do something, but I also wonder if you are getting a charge from defying your ex-wifes’ wishes. Focusing on his needs and not want you get from it will keep you more child-focused.

Second, as tempting as it is and bonding it might feel to you, don’t make your child your confidant. Kids don’t need to deal with adult problems, especially when they involve their other parent. Telling him your ex-wife doesn’t understand you is not appropriate. It borders on putting down your ex. Kids love their parents and identify parts of themselves with their parents. When you start saying negative things about a parent, the child can feel like this is a reflection on them as well. It creates shame and guilt and an unhealthy identity for the child.

It sounds like you might need to have a polite conversation with your ex-wife about your feelings around activities and household rules. While it is great for kids to have rules be the same across households, there may be a place of compromise on some issues.

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband and I have explosive fights around the kids. I try not to react so strongly but when he comes at me I need to defend myself. We don’t get physical but the yelling is pretty bad. My kids seem afraid of my husband sometimes and I don’t blame them. We haven’t really talked about divorce but my kids have asked me several times if we are getting divorced. I’m not sure that divorce is the answer. I think it would do more damage than good. Am I wrong?

– Fighting mom

Dear Fighting Mom,

Many studies that involve kids and divorce have shown that it’s the conflict around kids that causes the most damage, not the divorce. Kids are powerless to do anything about the fights they witness and many spend their time trying to be peaceful mediators, play the adult or perfect kid, and fix things for their parents. Your kids have already expressed fear of your husband and know that the conflicts have gotten intense. I urge you to take the fighting away from the kids whether you are still together or you separate.

May 17, 2021

Ask Divorce Coach

Ask Divorce Coach – March

Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I was divorced three years ago but can’t seem to move on. My ex-wife has a serious boyfriend and I find myself feeling very jealous of their relationship. She has the kids more than I do and it really kills me when he drops my kids off at my house instead of her. The kids talk about him a lot and it sounds like he even takes care of them when she’s working a late shift. Should I look into getting more custody? Go back to court? I’m not sure he’s a bad influence but if a father figure is spending time with my kids, I want it to be me!

– Left behind dad

Dear Left Behind Dad,

I hear how sad it makes you feel to not have as much time with your kids. How much space have you allowed yourself to grieve the divorce? It can be hard to move on without going through that process. Have you talked to your ex about having the kids more? Sometimes what works for someone right after the divorce can shift and she may be open to suggestions. I can’t answer whether you should try for more legal custody but here are a few practical things to consider.

Do you have the time and schedule to accommodate more kiddo time?
Have you considered the cost of going to court and working with an attorney?
Do you live close to the kids school and would you be able to get them back and forth easily to school and activities?
What does your support system look like?

After considering these things, I hope you’ll have some more clarity! Good luck!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I am worried about my relationship with my teen daughter. I am currently separated and my husband has filled her head with all kinds of bad things about me. Admittedly, I did have a brief affair but he had a longer one. I want to tell her about all the bad things he did but I know in my heart that it’s not the right thing to do. What do you advise?

– Bad mom

Dear Bad Mom,

Taking the high road is not always easy and yet I hear you feel it’s the best path forward. It’s hard to keep those details away from your child when your husband is not doing the same. While there may be some short-term satisfaction in dishing the dirt, considering the long-term impact might give you the pause you desire. Your daughter might be mad at you for awhile but most adult kids of divorce say they appreciated their divorced parents keeping them out of the conflicts. In the meantime, continue being an engaged parent in your daughter’s life. Getting in touch with how you feel and act when you are your “best self” will help to keep you on track. Continuing to remind yourself that your love for your daughter is more important than your dislike or hatred for your ex can also help.

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband of thirty years just told me he wants a divorce. The marriage has not been good for a long time but I am still stunned. I feel strongly that divorce is not a good option and I do not want my adult kids to start having to chose which of us to spend holidays with. I would honestly rather stay in a less than perfect marriage than go this route. He says I need to accept it and move on. How can I possibly do that?

– Do not want a divorce

Dear Do Not Want a Divorce,

It can be really hard to accept such a major shift in your life especially when you’ve been on one path for a long time. For some, going through a divorce can feel like a death. I encourage you to reach out to your support system and confide in trusted friends and family. Talking about it will help ground you in your present reality. You might also look for a divorce support group in your area. Connecting with others who are also getting out of long-term marriages can help you feel more understood. Hiring a divorce coach is also a good idea. They can help you get organized and consider all the aspects of divorcing while being an empathetic ear. I find that clients who refuse to accept the divorce often make the major mistake of throwing in the towel during the divorce process without carefully considering what they may need financially. This can lead to a lot of regret and resentment.

This is also a good time to take really good care of your mental and physical health. Good self-care is very important when dealing with major life transitions. I hope that you find the support you need during this difficult time.

April 16, 2021

Ask Divorce Coach

Ask Divorce Coach – February

Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My partner and I are considering a collaborative divorce but I’m not sure it’s really the best choice for me. I like the idea of it and not spending tons of time and money fighting about all the little things but I worry that my voice and concerns may get lost if I don’t have my own attorney. I tend to be the more passive one in our marriage and make far less money. Additionally, we have two kids and want them to fare okay in this process. In your experience do you think someone in my position is suited for a collaborative divorce?

– Collaborative Divorce?

Dear Collaborative Divorce,

Collaborative divorce is one of several different paths for divorcing and it can be a great option for some couples. While I cannot tell you if it’s the right choice for you, I can give you some things to consider. First, in most cases, you do not have to choose to use one collaborative attorney between the two of you. You can each have your own collaborative attorney. While this would cost you more upfront, it may protect you better long term. In my experience, the collaborative divorce process works great when there are two divorcing individuals who are communicative and committed to the process. It also works better when there is lower conflict, both partners feel comfortable voicing their concerns and there is a feeling of equality and respect. If you know that there are going to be major issues to resolve and conflict over them (child custody, division of assets, etc.) you may want to explore the traditional route to divorce as well.

Often in collaborative divorce, you get access to a whole team of collaborative individuals – attorneys, financial specialists, child counselors, and coaches. While collaborative divorce may not be less expensive than a traditional divorce (you are paying for each of the meetings that you have with the professionals and the meetings they have with each other), it can pave a path for a more respectful relationship between the divorcing partners in the future. The process invites the couple to be honest, transparent, and respectful. However, if collaborative divorce is not best for you, don’t feel guilty – it is certainly not right for everyone, and at the end of the day, you need to do what’s best for you.

Dear Divorce Coach,

I really don’t want to get a divorce but I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t get my wife to go to counseling and she has stopped communicating with me in a rational manner. Whenever I try to take care of our baby she steps in a takes him away from me. We had a great relationship before our son was born – she was fun, cooperative, and sweet. Now all she does is complain about what I do (and don’t do) and threatens to leave with our son and never come back. I would be devastated if she actually followed through on this threat. Should I contact a lawyer? What should I do?

– Feeling Threatened

Dear Feeling Threatened,

While having a child can be very rewarding, it can certainly change the dynamics in a relationship and put stress on a marriage. Counseling certainly might be a great option but if she is unwilling to go, I can see why you feel stuck there. I can also understand how terrifying it would feel to have the threat of your son being taken away over your head.

To deal with the issue of your troubled communication, I encourage you to think about the communication pattern that presents when there is a conflict between the two of you. While you can’t control her reaction, you can modify the way you approach and respond. What clues has she given you about how she is feeling? If you were in her shoes, what would your main complaint be? How are you feeling? When we are in conflict with another person, it can be hard to understand their position but it is often the key to their softening when we express an understanding of it. I am also guessing that like most people, you may respond with anger when threatened? What might be a better way for your wife to get how hard this is on you? Sometimes showing a little vulnerability is the best way to get the other person feeling comfortable to let down their guard. If you can get your communication back on track, I hope that you will be able to avoid further talks of divorce. Such threats (taking your son, leaving forever, etc.) are extremely damaging for your relationship and break down trust. I would encourage both of you if you can get into a better space to have ground rules about where that line is in the future.

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband and I are divorcing. He thinks it’s fair for us to each take one kid (me take my son, he take my daughter). I think this is ridiculous and there is no way I will give up custody of either of my children. I would literally rather give him all of our belongings – house, money, cars, etc. than agree to this. He is barely involved in the day-to-day stuff now (I’m a stay-at-home mom) and he travels a lot for work. He doesn’t even know what they like to eat, their friends, their teachers, anything! I feel so angry and upset, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Please help, I feel like I’m going crazy!

– Splitting the Kids

Dear Splitting the Kids,

I hear how much this is upsetting and worrying you. The first thing I would encourage you to do is get centered in your body. Take a deep breath, go for a walk, meditate, take a bath, anything that will ground you. When we get into a state when we are no longer functioning well or are in fight-or-flight mode, we can’t make rational choices. Our anxiety and worry will consume us. Spend a few days if possible on self-care before you consider the rest of this advice.

If you can hire a divorce coach, I highly encourage you to explore what the triggers or hot buttons are for you in this conversation. Most people’s hot buttons include the following areas: status or identity, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, or fairness. A useful exercise may be for you and your coach to role play (you can play your husband) this conversation both the way the conversation usually goes and then how it might go if you take a different approach. This will make you feel more empowered and less emotional when you are ready to have a conversation again with your husband. With a new approach which includes validating his concerns, not getting defensive, and listening, you may have the chance to relay your concerns. For starters, how you think this might hurt his son to not have time with him, how it would affect the sibling’s relationship and how difficult it would be for him to continue to travel.

Besides a conversation with your husband, it might make you feel better to talk to an attorney about typical child custody arrangements in your state. If talking to your husband doesn’t work, you will, at the very least, be armed with this knowledge.

February 28, 2021