Mediation

Coping with divorce mediation stress

Manage your expectations

Often your experience of a difficult situation is impacted by your expectations going into it.  Checking your expectations about how other parties will act, how you will react, and the process will help you understand how your expectations are impacting your mediation experience and how they will impact your divorce mediation stress.

1. The mediator. A mediator’s job is to get you and your spouse to come to an agreement on important elements of your divorce settlement. Many people expect because the mediator is a neutral party, their interactions with them will also feel neutral. This is not often the case.  During the process, they may ask you to consider your spouse’s point of view, compromise, or consider your child’s needs above your own. These requests can be triggering and may make you feel angry and defensive.
2. Your spouse. How your spouse normally deals with conflict may give you an idea of how they will handle divorce mediation stress. Are they prone to angry outbursts and unkind words? Do they act differently in front of others, caring about how they look, or do they care little about other’s perceptions of them? Maybe they shut down in the face of conflict. Do they get stubborn and dig their heels in at even small points of compromise? How do they feel about your mutual assets, the money they’ve earned during your marriage and your role in the household?
3. You. I’ve had many clients express surprise and/or disappointment with themselves for how they reacted during a mediation. Your spouse has been an intimate partner and most likely knows your hot buttons. Thinking about how you can most effectively deal with being triggered will make you more prepared. Also consider how you typically deal with conflict. Come to the table in good faith and with the desire to reach an agreement. Visualize acting in a way that will make you leave with your head held high.
4. The process. How do you expect the process to go? How many meetings do you assume it will take to come to an agreement on all mediated issues? Expecting the process to go quickly is a mistake many people make. Expecting it to be mostly smooth is another mistake. Expecting that you will get everything you want will most likely result in you going to court.  Clients who get a clear understanding from their mediator about the range of what is typical in terms of time, number of meetings, etc. have a much easier time managing their own expectations. Push yourself to be realistic when you hear what’s normal for other people and it will help you manage your divorce mediation stress.

Preparation

1. Define what good self-care means to you and practice it in the days coming up to mediation. Get a good night’s sleep and eat healthy food.
2. Put some thought into what will make you feel supported during the mediation. Consider bringing a favorite water bottle, snacks, paperwork, a notebook and pen, and the phone number of your attorney or a support person in case you need to reach them during a break.
3.  Plan what you will wear – choose clothes that make you feel confident and comfortable.
4.  Review strategies with  a friend or your divorce coach like breathing and asking for breaks if you get triggered.
5. Keep yourself from going into a negative spiral of anger and anxiety right before the meeting. Try to keep calm and remind yourself you have your own back and can be open to the process.

Coping strategies for the day of the mediation

1. Stay attuned to your emotional and physical state. Notice signs that indicate you’re becoming dysregulated like shallow breaths, feeling like you have a lump in your throat, tenseness, knots in your stomach and redness in your face.  As soon as you feel triggered, use a mindfulness strategy to keep yourself from escalating further. Your goal is to avoid shutting down or reacting in a way that may worsen the conflict.
2. Ask for a break. Go outside and take a walk or call a friend.  Brainstorm ideas about shifting your mindset or being more clear and effective in your communication when you return. If it’s a legal issue that’s got you tripped up, call your attorney if they aren’t already present.
3. If you hear something triggering, instead of verbalizing or interrupting, write down your thought instead. This will give you a minute to pause and to think about how you want to respond in a rational instead of an emotional way.  Or maybe you’ll decide it’s not worth responding at all. Sometimes ignoring an attempt by your spouse to get a rise out of you, is the most powerful thing you can do.
4. Speak up for what you want from the divorce without making demands. Back up your reasoning with facts and provide an explanation for your point of view. A mediator can help you come together based on facts when you can’t see eye-to-eye emotionally. For example, if you want to ask for alimony (also called spousal maintenance in several states) and you haven’t been in the workforce for many years, explain that it’s because you’ll need job retraining or a money to earn a degree to get a job that will support you from then on.
5. Know what you are willing to accept before you enter the room. If something is offered that you think is reasonable, say so. Many people regret not taking a good offer when it comes along because they don’t trust their decision-making or think that they can hold out for something better.
6. Don’t treat mediation like a couples therapy session. Pay close attention to what the mediator is asking from you and provide an answer that is based on the desired outcome, not your exes past behavior. For example, if the mediator asks you to propose a custody schedule, don’t start listing all the reasons your ex isn’t a great dad.

After the mediation

If you anticipate that the mediation will be difficult, make an appointment with your divorce coach or counselor to see them shortly after. Knowing that you can process the event may give you some peace of mind and feelings of support. Be gentle with yourself no matter how it goes.

Getting support

Don’t have a divorce coach and need someone who can support you through your mediation process? I’d love to help you through the process so it feels less like you’re running a  gauntlet alone and more like you’re ready to start your new life with promise. Contact me and let’s get started.

Divorce Mediation: How did I get here?

Divorce mediation is considered a form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), which is an alternative path from a court or judge decided divorce. It is conducted by a trained and neutral third party, often an independent attorney or mental health provider. Some people come to mediation after hiring an attorney and some go before or instead of hiring an attorney. Mediation is often used to help a divorcing couple come to an agreement on sensitive topics like child custody, child support, and division of assets.  Mediation is only necessary when the divorce is contested in some area. If the couple can agree on all aspects of the split, they do not need a mediator.  In mediation, the couple makes all the decisions, and the parties aren’t forced to reach a settlement.

You and your spouse may have agreed to go to mediation or your state may have required it.  Especially when child custody and visitation rights are disputed, many states require that divorcing spouses go to mediation.  Most court-mandated mediation is free or is provided at a low cost but not all issues in the divorce are handled in this mediation setting.

Divorce Mediators: How to find a good one?

Often people find a mediator in the same way they find a divorce attorney. Getting a personal recommendation from friends or family can be a good way, particularly if they had their own mediation experience with the professional. Sometimes your marriage therapist or divorce coach will also have a recommendation so don’t be shy about asking them. Check with your state to make sure you hire someone who is properly licensed or meets the minimum training requirements for your state. Some states have professional ADR associations that will list qualified mediators. The Academy of Professional Family Mediators, a national organization also maintains a list of mediator members. 

Divorce Mediators: Who to choose?

I always recommend meeting or talking to a mediator before hiring them. It’s a good idea to come up with a list of more than two mediators you’d be happy to work with in case your spouse does not agree with your first choice.  Here are some other important considerations in hiring a divorce mediator:

Experience & Specific Knowledge

Only work with a mediator with appropriate divorce mediation training. Don’t be shy about asking them how many cases they’ve mediated and how they define a successful mediation. Any mediator you hire should be familiar with your state’s divorce laws on the topics at issue in your case.

Consider the most important sticking points in your divorce currently. Are they financial? Related to child custody or visitation? Hiring a mediator with expertise in those areas can be invaluable.  When there are multiple points of contention in your divorce, you may find that a mediator who is also an attorney is a good bet as they are seasoned family law professionals.

Cost

Most mediators charge by the hour.  Mediators that are also attorneys often charge the same hourly rate for non-mediation work.  Mediators who are not attorneys typically charge less.  Other mediators or mediation services charge by the session or offer a flat fee. Usually the mediation costs are split by the divorcing couple. Additional fees for filing paperwork and court fees are often not included so make sure you get a full picture of what a mediator’s service entails.

Personality

Hiring any professional requires trusting that they can do the job effectively and efficiently.  Hire someone who is calm, fair, and listens well.  A good mediator doesn’t dominate conversations with their opinions or push parties into agreeing to things they aren’t comfortable with.

Preparing for Mediation

Before the meeting, mediators will often ask for written information about the divorce. Some mediators require both spouses to submit necessary financial documents as well. Depending on the mediator’s rules, individuals may bring their lawyer to the meeting. Some mediators allow a friend or support person to accompany each party, so if this is something that might be helpful for you, check with them first. If you don’t understand the details of the meetings like whether you will be in the same room as your spouse, how long it will last, etc. make sure you ask and get this clarification beforehand. 

Should I hire an attorney if I don’t already have one?

While this is a highly personal decision, here are some things to consider:

1. As a neutral third party, your mediator can’t tell you if you’re making a good or bad deal in your divorce. 
2. How well do you know your state divorce laws? If you are worried that you don’t know the law well enough to protect your rights during mediation, it may be time to consider hiring an attorney. 
3. If you hire an attorney at this stage find one who is familiar not just with family law but also with the mediation process in your state. A lawyer can help you with negotiation techniques, explain legal concepts, and review agreements, making sure they are valid and protects your rights.
4. Does your spouse have an attorney? Leveling the playfield is smart if they are working with one. If they do not, it’s important to consider what they’ve communicated to you about retaining attorneys. Hiring an attorney when your spouse is adamantly against it may create more tension in the process. However, if you feel your spouse isn’t being honest about having an attorney, that is another factor to consider. 
5. There are complex issues like child custody and asset division. An alternative to consider in addition or instead of hiring an attorney would be hiring a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst), business evaluator or child custody specialist. 
6. Cost. Hiring an attorney and paying for a mediation process can be costly.  But, while you might save money, many people find it worth it, in the long run, to consult with an attorney to make sure they aren’t giving up valuable rights or taking on extra responsibilities in the settlement agreement. Having your attorney at your mediation is also likely to cost more than consulting with them on an as-needed basis during the mediation or connecting with them afterward. 

Up next…

How to cope during the mediation