If you’re considering dating after divorce or have been dating without success, this article is for you. Admittedly, I have some pretty strong feelings about when NOT to start dating but I will address that topic another time. For now, I’ll focus on the WHO, not WHEN.
Are you finding that you keep choosing the same person (in a different form) over and over? You probably have a “type” whether that’s a physical type, emotional type, personality type, etc. Or maybe you just keep choosing people that are wrong for you? If this is the case, I highly recommend you form a dating team that includes at least two trusted friends or family members that know you well. Stan Tatkins, one my favorite authors who wrote “Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate” talks about the importance of having others “vet” dates for you. Who we are attracted to is often set when we first come of age and getting out of that rut might just take having someone else suggest other possibilities for you.
If dating fatigue has set in, or if coming off your divorce has crushed your confidence, I highly suggest taking time out to discover what makes you a catch before you resume dating. Knowing who you are is the most important step to knowing who you want to attract. If you don’t feel good about what you have to offer, I guarantee you are at risk of attracting and settling for someone who isn’t right for you.
If you are ready to narrow the playing field, I suggest you put in the same kind of time and consideration for who you are looking for that you would when searching for a job. Actually, I take that back. You should actually put in much MORE time.
While I understand that spending hours writing down and figuring out who you should be dating might seem horribly unromantic, I guarantee you’ll be grateful you did. No one illustrates this better than Amy Webb in her TED talk, “How I hacked online dating“. Her hilarious account of how she met her husband illustrates the point of how she drilled down on who she wanted in order to find the right match for her. It is her system that has inspired my own.
It is as important to determine who you do not want to date as it is who you want to date. This exercise will help with that.
Dating after divorce can be quite challenging and sometimes finding the right person takes a little extra support. I’d love to be on your dating team. If you found these exercises helpful and need some more specific guidance, I’ve got specific worksheets with lists of categories and attributes for us to use during your coaching sessions. Contact me today!
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