This article is dedicated to those of you who enjoy the Myers Briggs Personality Test (MBTI®) as much as I do. Looking at how Myers Briggs and divorce intersect has been an interesting project. I first took the test in my teens and studying my type has increased my self-knowledge and deepened my relationships. It has been particularly helpful during a major life event, like divorce.
Divorce is a unique process – it can bring out the worst in us but it can also be an invitation to call upon our strongest and most resilient qualities. For a lot of us, going through a divorce can feel like a rupture in our identity. It leads to an existential crisis which begs the question – who are we now? Recent longitudinal studies on personality changes over time have indicated that one’s personality remains fairly consistent. So, even when our circumstances change drastically, we can rely on our fundamental personality as a solid foundation when the ground under us feels unsteady.
Below is a guidepost for understanding the challenges of divorce through the lens of each type and ways to get through it. I focused on several important factors when compiling and interpreting this information. The first thing I examined was how each personality type is impacted by stress in general. Divorce can be one of the most stressful processes in one’s life. I then looked at how each type copes under extreme stress which is sometimes referred to as “grip stress.” Grip stress can make one operates in the inferior function of their type. Next, I researched the most typical problematic behaviors for each type when they are not functioning at their best. Finally, I’ve examined what positive qualities each type can rely upon to help them through and behave in ways they can be proud of. This includes if they are parents, how they might best use their strengths to help their children through the divorce process.
While each person and their particular divorce is absolutely unique, my hope is that this examination about Myers Briggs and divorce will be helpful nonetheless.
Biggest challenges:
An intuitive and nurturing type, INFJs typically have a difficult time with conflict and struggle with self-care during stressful times.
INFJ’s can be relentless perfectionists always striving for the ideal and are disappointed with themselves and others when this ideal isn’t reached.
INFJ’s struggle to feel seen and understood. They are most likely to leave a relationship when their partner doesn’t get them in a deep and profound way.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
Since divorce is less than ideal for most and INFJ’s are no strangers to shame, divorce can easily trigger a sense of shame around failure when a marriage ends. This is particularly true for INFJ parents. Valuing a harmonious environment for their families and an idealistic vision for their kids, divorce can shatter this vision.
INFJ’s normally rely on their creative, out-of-the-box thinking to solve problems. To perform well and make rational decisions, people need the correct balance of the brain chemicals norepinephrine and dopamine, according to David Rock, author of Your Brain at Work. When people get stressed, their bodies get flooded by these chemicals, putting them in a constant state of anxiety and fear. This limits their normal ability to use creative problem-solving.
As Deborah Ward writes in Truity’s article, “Why Stress Stops Creativity for INFJ’s and How They Can Get it Flowing Again“
Under extreme stress, INFJs can fall into the grip of their inferior function, Extraverted Sensing, which makes the INFJ unable to think about their normal visionary ideas, be creative, or help others with their characteristic empathy. Instead, we become focused on moment-to-moment living and satisfying our cravings for sensory pleasures by overindulging in eating, drinking, sex and even risky behaviours that seem totally of character and ultimately make an INFJ feel miserable, disconnected and self-loathing.
In a high-conflict divorce, the values of an INFJ may also be tested. They normally find great joy in developing mutual solutions that work well for everyone. When pitted against the wishes of their spouse, INFJ’s are confronted with the conundrum of advancing their own wishes and their value of altruism. Fortunately, or unfortunately for the INFJ, however, once someone has wronged them and they feel justified in ending a relationship, they are done. Very little will change their mind.
How their strengths may help them through:
INFJs at their best are forgiving, empathetic, and compassionate. If provided a sincere apology and changed behavior, an INFJ can open the door enough to continue to have a positive co-parenting relationship with their ex.
Exhausted by details (INFJ’s are big picture people) it is best during the divorce process for INFJ’s to write down details to keep them from the exhaustion of remembering them. Keeping the big picture in mind can definitely be beneficial. Taking the high road during and after divorce proceedings will lead to a more harmonious future.
INFJ’s feel things deeply but through time and contemplation about why the relationship ended, they can and do move on with steady conviction.
Biggest challenges:
ENFJs are known for their leadership qualities and for strongly advocating for justice. When stressed or in conflict, they can be intense, sarcastic, impatient, rigid, and self-critical.
ENFJ’s need a good deal of validation and appreciation. They are most likely to leave a relationship when they see a chronic pattern of giving more to their partner than receiving.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
ENFJ’s are often deeply committed to their partners and their dreams, even at their own expense. This wholehearted investment can feel like a major betrayal when a spouse decides to end the marriage.
ENFJ’s find that they experience the symptoms of stress quite acutely physically. Because of their external focus on others, their bodies must create loud signals to get the ENFJ to put the focus on internal matters.
ENFJ’s do not do well when they don’t feel that their ideas are being heard. In a high-conflict divorce, not being heard is a major trigger point for them. Getting wrapped up in other people’s feelings is also a challenge. ENFJ’s are encouraged to get in touch with their own experience and feelings and away from resting too heavily on the thoughts and feelings of their spouse. Because ENFJ’s take rejection even more personally than other types, they may need extra support and time to work through these hurt feelings.
In grip stress, ENFJ’s become self-protective and feel a strong desire to numb out and withdraw.
How their strengths may help them through:
ENFJ’s are better than most types at reaching out for help from family and friends. Recognizing the need for help can be very beneficial during stressful times like divorce.
As parents, ENFJ’s often feel a deep sense of purpose and responsibility for providing a loving and supportive home life for their kids. Because ENFJ’s do a great service to their children by teaching by good example, ENFJ’s understand the importance of continuing a healthy co-parenting relationship for the sake of their children.
Biggest challenges:
INFP’s tend to be sensitive souls, adverse to conflict, eager to please, and emotionally vulnerable.
When they feel someone disapproves of them, they can get fixated on changing that person’s mind about them. Their desire to please can drain their energy, and make them question themselves and their worth. They are one of the most likely personality types to accept full responsibility when something goes wrong, even when it’s not their fault.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
Open and honest communication can be difficult for INFP’s and sometimes years of grievances can build-up for the INFP before they express their displeasure with their spouse. The silent treatment is a weapon that INFP’s are known for.
Because INFP’s need extra time to process their feelings, being pushed too fast and quickly can make the INFP’s say things they regret later.
INFP’s are less likely than other types to accept breaking up as the most reasonable response to a bad relationship. If their spouse initiates the divorce, INFP’s can be in denial for quite some time. This can be harmful not only emotionally but financially as well. If divorce proceedings move forward and INFP’s don’t advocate for themselves, they may not do well in their divorce settlement.
How their strengths may help them through:
INFP personalities are compassionate people who have an immense capacity to forgive others. This is true even of cheating ex-spouses. The ability to have goodwill with a co-parent is a huge gift to kids and INFP’s are more willing to compromise than other personality types.
Biggest challenges:
ENFP’s are lively, curious, perceptive, and generous at their best. When they are stressed however, they can find themselves adrift without focus, organization and too willing to please other people. They can also be fickle and undependable.
ENFP’s long for a deeply connected love and don’t do as well when they are single. They may avoid being alone and stay in unhealthy relationships longer than they should. They may see their partner as a project and are prone to control and manipulate when they don’t get their way.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
ENFP’s love the honeymoon phase of a relationship and are more restless than other types if things get too mundane or boring. They often hold up the ideal of love as something that is “meant to be” and become annoyed when a marriage becomes too much work. Housework, childcare and other routine things are issues that ENFP’s are likely to fight over with a spouse.
Like other feeling types, dealing with conflict brings the ENFP enormous amounts of stress. Under grip stress, a normally healthy ENFP will seem more like an unhealthy ISTJ. They will feel overwhelmed, out of control, unable to sort out their priorities, and inflexible. Not being able to get their “head on straight” is worrisome during divorce proceedings and may cause them to draw out the divorce way too long or make unwise decisions for the long term.
How their strengths may help them through:
ENFP’s are good-natured and optimistic. Leaning on optimism and seeing a bright future for themselves and their family can help them build a new life more quickly. Social types, ENFP’s may also benefit from a divorce support group where they can share their feelings with others.
ENFP’s are more likely to treat their divorcing spouses how they want to be treated and this empathy can be a great gift to everyone.
Wanting to get along with others will make them more congenial co-parents. ENFP’s are talented communicators and this will help them communicate more effectively with their ex and their kids.
Biggest challenges:
ENTJ’s are driven leaders and when stressed or pushed can display arrogance and condescension. They have way of calling out others’ failures with a chilling degree of insensitivity.
ENTJ’s can be blunt communicators and prefer to focus on facts over feelings in their relationships.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
At the negotiating table, ENTJ’s are dominant, relentless, and unforgiving. With a more sensitive or emotional spouse they can be especially cruel and view emotion by the other as weakness.
They can also be highly impatient and may try to push things faster than what their spouse feels comfortable with. Because they are driven by their heads and not hearts, ENTJ’s can be insensitive to what their partner asks for in a divorce settlement. ENTJ’s are driven to win and may lose sight of overall objective for a win.
It will be helpful for a divorcing ENTJ and their spouse to follow explicit ground rules in a mediation and for the ENTJ to use restraint so that negotiations don’t go awry.
How their strengths may help them through:
ENTJ’s are adept at handling conflict and are strategic thinkers. They can help come up with out of the box solutions for divorce that may be helpful to all involved. They are also highly efficient and will help keep the divorce process moving along.
When an ENTJ sees that a relationship will not be beneficial to them long-term they have an easier time moving on to find a partner that is a better match.
Biggest challenges:
INTJ’s are known for their fierce independence and questioning the status quo. They generally trust their own opinion over others and make decisions without asking for input.
While they can be witty and feel genuinely bad about hurting others feelings, INTJ’s are not interested in social niceties and value honesty above all. This can make others feel that INTJ’s are insensitive and even rude. INTJ’s enjoy other people that they feel match their intellect and can be intellectual snobs at their worst.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
INTJ’s are strategic chess players. Relying on strategy rather than chance, they contemplate the strengths and weaknesses of each move before they make it. When INTJ’s are divorcing, this approach can feel calculated and cold to their partner across the aisle.
INTJ’s can believe so intensely that their plan or idea is correct, they don’t see the flaws in their own arguments. They may be overly critical and dismissive of their partner’s needs and feelings.
INTJ parents may also lose sight of their children’s emotional needs during a divorce, focusing on logistics instead. While married, INTJ’s may have relied more heavily on a feeling spouse to connect with their kids. Now alone, INTJ’s may need to work harder to form bonds and find shared activities to keep these relationships strong.
Under grip stress, an INTJ who is normally focused and insightful becomes panicky, obsessive and anxious. They are prone to misplace things, bump into things, and get frustrated by the physical world.
How their strengths may help them through:
INTJ’s are naturally curious and excellent researchers. They will try to formulate a plan based on facts and won’t come to a divorce uninformed. Knowing their rights and seeking answers will help an INTJ feel they were prepared for the steps along the way.
Because INTJ’s are more rational and cool-headed, they are less likely to allow strong emotions get the best of them.
Biggest challenges:
Quiet, thoughtful, and analytical, INTP’s are reserved and can struggle with letting others in. INTP’s can be so much in their heads that they are disconnected from their feelings. This can lead to a build up of negative emotions like sadness and anger that can engulf them and others when finally released.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
INTP’s are much more comfortable with rational thought and logic and sometimes are lost when it comes to dealing with their own and their spouses emotional needs. INTP’s can come across as insensitive and dismissive. Divorcing a spouse who is a strong “F” can be a particular kind of hell for each spouse in this pairing.
INTP’s can be stuck in “analysis paralysis” more than other types which can make reaching a divorce settlement difficult. INTP’s are afraid to commit and regret and when big decisions are to be made, especially involving relationships with their children, they tend to spin their wheels. They also tend to stew about how a different path might have been better, not allowing them to fully accept their present reality.
How their strengths may help them through:
INTP’s are naturally curious and open-minded. They are rational problem-solvers and can come up with creative out-of-the box solutions. While overthinking might get them stuck, they are highly motivated to problem solve.
They believe that being honest is important and will be above board in settlements which will provide good will towards co-parenting relationships.
Biggest challenges:
While they can be entertaining and curious, ENTP’s are naturally rebellious and have a hard time following conventional rules and dealing with authority. Like their name, they love nothing more than a good debate. When in a relationship with a more subdued, conflict-avoidant type, their combativeness can get old quickly.
ENTPs can be obsessively focused on solving problems, and tend to worry too much when stressed.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
The spouse of an ENTP may tire quickly of having their beliefs questioned and their feelings brushed aside. ENTP’s under stress can be even less sensitive to others feelings and needs.
Because of their strong desire to “win an argument” they may become relentless and uncompromising during the divorce process.
In grip stress, a once broad and creative thinker, the ENTP vision becomes blurred and narrowed. They also may become overly serious and reserved.
As parents, ENTP’s might struggle with paying attention to the details and schedule which provide the consistency and comfort to their kids during a transitionary time. They would do well to call upon loved ones and/or a divorce coach to help them remember these things.
How their strengths may help them through:
ENTP’s are resourceful and good at working under stress. They are flexible and handle change better than most types. Because they are natural problem-solvers they will not shy away from working through a divorce although they may struggle with paperwork and details.
ENTP parents are fun-loving and spontaneous and can find fun activities and distractions to help kids during a time when some divorcing parents feel immobilized or depressed.
Biggest challenges:
ISFJ’s are highly relational and are always willing to lend a helping hand, even at their own expense. This makes them targets for getting taken advantage of. ISFJ’s want to believe that if they behave perfectly, they will have the perfect relationship. This naivety can lead to great disappointment.
They are more resistant to change than most types and will stay in unhealthy relationships and situations longer than they should. If the ISFJ experiences a great amount of instability in their marriage, they eventually will be the ones to end it.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
ISFJ’s struggle with self-care especially when they are stressed or feel like someone else really needs them. They are also sensitive to criticism and being rejected by a spouse or feeling like they are being taken advantage of in a divorce settlement is especially difficult for this type. When stressed, ISFJ’s can become passive-aggressive instead of articulating their needs more assertively.
Normally humble and non-confrontational, an ISFJ may not advocate for themselves as much as necessary. They may accept more of the blame for the relationship ending then due. They will do well have to have strong advocate in this process.
In grip stress, the ISFJ may become overly pessimistic, scatter-brained and anxious. They have a hard time remembering details and may accidently blow off appointments and other commitments.
How their strengths may help them through:
ISFJ parents are adept at creating stable, secure, and happy lives for their children and are good at paying attention to the details that make each child most comforted.
While they are resistant to change, they are good in a crisis. They are talented at making long-lasting friendships and if they are willing to accept the kind of help they often offer, many people in their lives will come to assist.
Biggest challenges:
True free spirits, ISFP’s struggle with plans and long-term goals. This can include lack of planning around career goals, and financial planning. Commitment isn’t their strong suit and they are known for changing their minds on a whim. This unpredictability can lead to turbulant relationships and outbursts by the ISFP.
ISFP’s avoid feeling controlled or manipulated at all costs. They are likely to leave a partner if they feel stifled or controlled.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
Since divorce is a legal process and settlements are essentially final, ISFP’s do not do well with both the details and considering the long-term impact of decisions during this time. They may come to the table with one plan and quickly change their minds the next time.
ISFP’s are sensitive to stress and are easily overwhelmed in situations with too much stimulation. They avoid conflict and take criticism especially hard.
Under grip stress, an ISFP may feel disconnected from their feelings and values. They get nitpicky about logic and assume the worst in others.
How their strengths may help them through :
ISFP will do best right now to lean on those people in their lives who appreciate who they truly are. ISFP’s need a safe space to talk about their feelings and express themselves creatively. Getting back to their artistic roots will help an ISFP navigate a stressful time and put the fun back into the lives of their children.
Biggest challenges:
ESFP’s, normally the life of the party, can be both flighty and bored easily. They shy away from conflict, preferring to do what’s fun instead of what’s necessary. When a partner no longer wants to engage in the fun or adventurous goals that the ESFP has, the ESFP will want to move on to find a partner who has the same zest for life they do.
In grip stress the ESFP easily becomes tired and worried. They may avoid socializing and fixate on responsibilities and obsessively catastrophize.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
When stressed the usually fun ESFP may focus on the all the negative possibilities of their decisions and make them paranoid. Naturally indecisive, they may seem committed to one settlement option and then easily change their minds.
ESFP’s are especially sensitive to criticism. They care deeply about what others think of them and want to make others happy. They will do best to talk through decisions with more steady friends and professionals before agreeing to anything that will affect them long-term.
How their strengths may help them through:
When calm, ESFP’s are both practical and sensible. They can make good rational decisions and rely on their senses to help others – including their children- through difficult times. Easily being in the moment, ESFP’s with support and effort, can get back to the fun and spontaneous people they are.
Having excellent social skills, ESFP’s large support network can be a good support for them at this time.
Biggest challenges:
ESFJ’s can be wonderful friends to others, but forget about their own needs in the process. Highly relational and sensitive, they struggle more than other types when relationships end, blaming themselves and falling into negativity.
When stressed, their desire to control outcomes is high and they can become highly inflexible. Less feelings types may struggle with the perceived neediness of an ESFJ under stress.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
Natural caretakers and worriers, ESFJ’s aren’t great with self-care especially when they are stressed. They have a tendency to stretch themselves too thin. They don’t handle change well and may drag their feet in accepting that their marriage is over.
Because ESFJ’s are conflict adverse and people-pleasers, they need to make sure they are advocating for themselves during the divorce process. When extremely stressed, they assume the worst in others and need to check in with others to make sure they are giving their spouse the benefit of the doubt.
Many types struggle with their new single status but none more than the ESFJ. Traditionalists happy to be in a partnership condoned by society, having a marriage end can feel like a fall from grace.
How their strengths may help them through:
Generous and reliable, ESFJ’s are good at remembering and implementing routines that they and their family members can find comfort in.
Knowing how to take care of others, they will do well to turn this special focus on themselves right now and make sure they are taking good care of their own needs.
Biggest challenges:
ESTJ’s are natural leaders but can inflexible and stubborn, only seeing things their way. They can also be overly concerned with how others perceive them – wanting above else to appear competent.
ESTJ’s do not like to be in relationships with others who hold them back and this includes their spouse. ESTJ’s are likely to end a relationship with a spouse who does not support their individual goals.
ESTJ’s are more comfortable with facts than feelings and can be insensitive to others when challenged. They can be rigid and serious, forgetting to slow down and relax.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
When paired with more sensitive partners, ESTJ’s can struggle with their partner’s need for emotional intimacy. They are straight-forward and efficient communicators and can easily hurt their partners feelings with their bluntness.
Compromise isn’t always the ESTJ’s strong suit, especially when they believe they are in the right. When negotiating a divorce settlement, ESTJ’s may dig in their heels and refuse to consider alternative offers. More concerned with their own success, ESTJ’s may need to step back and see how their spouses success may also meet their goals.
How their strengths may help them through:
ESTJ’s take their commitments and roles seriously and have a sense of responsibility to make things right. An ESTJ is unlikely to leave an ex-partner destitute, especially if they are co-parenting a child together.
ESTJ’s are organized and predictable. Getting through the paperwork and process is easier for this type and they are less likely to drag their feet.
ESTJ’s may have an easier time moving on from a marriage and stay the course with their individual goals.
Biggest challenges:
Social butterflies, the ESTP often act before they think, fixing mistakes as they go instead of using forethought. This impatience can lead to risky and impulsive behavior and negative consequences. They can be blunt and have a difficult time with emotions – theirs and others. Deep emotional connections aren’t usually as satisfying to this type and they may grow bored of a partner who demands this from them.
ESTP’s are one of the most likely types to quickly end a relationship instead of putting in the hard work to see if it can last. If they are married to someone who values conversation and analyzing what could be improved they will be a difficult partner to deal with.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
When dealing with legal agreements, ESTP’s need to slow down and use thinking partners, lest they agree to something they don’t really want long-term. Living in the moment, they often don’t see the big picture and the ramifications of important decisions in the long run. They bore easily and don’t like to sit still and may need to be told something several times to let it sink in.
ESTP’s are direct communicators and good at pushing their agenda and ideas. They may need to step back and consider their spouses point of view and needs. They do not do well with authority figures and may find dealing with judges and social workers especially difficult.
In grip stress, ESTP’s can be forgetful and unfocused, depressed and focus only on the negative. They may assume the worst intentions from their spouse and paranoid about getting screwed over.
How their strengths may help them through:
ESTP’s are full of passion and energy and make things fun for themselves and others. They are out of the box thinkers and may find unique solutions to traditional problems faced by people who are divorcing.
They are perceptive and good at noticing even the smallest changes in their children who may struggle through this transition. They make fun playmates and can keep their children busy with fun, spontaneous activities. ESTP’s are good at letting their kids be themselves. ESTP’s may need to do some extra work to emotionally bond with their hurting children, however.
Adventurous, they may reenter the dating world with gusto and move on from past hurts more quickly.
Biggest challenges:
The ISTP is quiet and unpredictable and while they allow others into their worlds, they have a tendency to be private and independent. They tend to value things over people. They don’t like to be pushed into commitment and may see a heavier feeling type to be needy and smothering.
While rational, the ISTP can be impulsive and often changes their mind. They can lack the commitment to one project or person when they are bored which leads to chaos in their relationships. They also lack boundaries and can misread social cues which many other types find frustrating.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
When challenged, the ISTP is more likely that other types to dig in their heels and forget to use sensitivity to their partner’s needs. When bored, they are more likely to engage in risky behavior forgetting the impact on others.
They may lack the commitment and communication to negotiate a settlement that will be good for their long-term future. They feel uncomfortable with feelings and more businesslike and less sensitive to a spouse during a divorce process.
Under grip stress, The ISTP may feel disorganized and have trouble concentrating. They may take things especially personally and wonder if they are lovable.
ISTP’s may not do the emotional processing needed after a divorce to gain understanding and insight into their own role and behavior.
How their strengths may help them through:
While ISTP’s may not always get emotions, they are great in a crisis and know how to prioritize. Natural doers, they know how roll up their sleeves and get the job done. ISTP’s are less prone to stress, living in the moment and not worrying as much about the future.
ISTP’s have the ability to end their relationships on a more positive note because they are less likely to use nasty tactics during the divorce.
Naturally optimistic, they may be the calm parent in the storm that their kids need during this time. Their fun and hands on style will help kids bond to their ISTP parent after the divorce.
Biggest challenges:
ISTJ’s are traditional and appreciate structure. They do not appreciate others who try to bend the rules or manipulate situations for their personal gain. They can be rigid and judgmental when challenged.
ISTJ’s are most likely to end a relationship if they feel that trust has been broken or if their partner isn’t fulfilling the duties they agreed to.
Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:
ISTJ’s may view a less traditional or structured spouse as lazy or dishonest. Prone to resentment, the ISTJ isn’t always good at voicing their feelings and can let this resentment build over time.
ISTJ’s are good at the negotiating table – relying on fairness and their feelings of responsibility. Able to rely on reason, they can treat a marriage ending much like a business relationship ending.
They would be wise to get in touch with difficult feelings that divorce brings up as they naturally shy away from feelings and are prone to depression when their feelings are ignored or go unprocessed. This type may take a divorce particularly hard, seeing it a failure to their commitment to their partner and children.
How their strengths may help them through:
ISTJ’s value integrity and being true to their word. They are reliable and practical, making them steadfast in a crisis and under stress.
They are also loyal and take their commitments seriously including setting up a comfortable and safe home for their children post divorce. This is a good time for ISTJ’s to remember how difficult divorce can be for their kids, and loosen up the strict regiments they often have.
Looking for a coach to help you see your blind spots and capitalize on your strengths during a divorce? Want a deeper understanding about how your Myers Briggs type will impact you during a stressful divorce? Please contact me – I look forward to working with you!
