The common reasons women consider divorce
Are you feeling curious about how other women view their relationship? About whether your reasons for marital dissatisfaction are common or even reasonable? Many clients come to me feeling unhappy and confused about the state of their relationship and level of disconnection with their partner. While everyone’s situation is different and unique, I have noticed particular themes coming up regularly for my female-identifying clients when it comes to their partnerships. I’ve noticed similar themes in podcasts and articles I’ve encountered recently. It helps to know that you aren’t alone and that your concerns aren’t unusual. In this blog post I’m going to outline these themes and explore the reasons why women get divorced with the hope that you might feel more seen.
Mental load & uneven division of labor
Mental load refers to the invisible cognitive and emotional work involved in managing a household. This concept often highlights the additional responsibilities that primarily fall on women, acting as the “project manager” of the home. Mental load encompasses various tasks such as meal planning, coordinating family appointments and kids’ activities, planning dates, managing events and holidays, delegating chores, considering pet care, and handling gift-giving. When one partner carries this mental load alone, it can lead to feelings of resentment and being unappreciated, especially for those already juggling multiple responsibilities.
Often, when women realize they are carrying the mental load, they seek ways to communicate their need for help to their partner. Sometimes they do this gently, while other times it may be more direct or forceful. If their partner dismisses their concerns or attempts to help but ultimately fails to meet their needs, women can feel helpless and increasingly resentful. This dynamic becomes even more challenging when the partner is suffering from depression or if they have ADD or ADHD. In this case, women feel they are better equipped to handle the mental load and give up trying to get help from their partner. This is made even worse when a woman is also doing the lion’s share of the actual work at home. At the heart of it, women who carry the mental load and perform more of the domestic work, feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. They resent not having a true partner who helps to carry the burden she feels. While this isn’t the primary or only reason given for why women get divorced, it is a large contributing factor.
Feeling shut out
Often, women come to me feeling shut out by their partner. Attempts to connect or communicate about differences, issues, or conflicts are met with what the Gottmans refer to as stonewalling.
Stonewalling often occurs because the nervous system of the partner hearing the complaint is triggered into flight or freeze mode. To the partner trying to communicate their feelings, it can feel like they are being ignored or dismissed. Over time, if someone feels their feelings are met with resistance or ignored, they may respond in kind with their own shutdown. Some individuals also have a more avoidant attachment style, making them feel pursued or pressured by their partner more threatening.
What healthy relationships bring to us is a feeling of being seen and understood. When someone turns away from us, it feels like we no longer matter to them. After months or even years of this, disengagement and disconnection grow, eventually breaking a couple apart.
Addiction & Infidelity
While addiction and infidelity may seem strange to lump together, they both lead to a partner feeling something or someone is more important than them. When someone is unwilling or unable to stay sober or they have an affair, the relationship essentially takes on dealing with a third party or element instead of the letting the couple deal just with their relationship. Dealing with a betrayal is something that some couples can get past, but not without a lot of help and communication on both fronts. When trust is broken, it can be hard to regain. That’s why addiction and infidelity are key reasons why women get divorced.
Getting support
Do you need support in processing your reasons for considering a divorce? Contact me and let’s get started!
