Communication

divorcing a narcissist
Co-Parenting  ·  Communication  ·  Divorce Process  ·  Single Mom
Divorcing a Narcissist: What to Consider

It’s not uncommon for me to hear that a new client feels their spouse is a narcissist. Divorce is challenging in any circumstance but this one can take the cake in terms of conflict and emotional exhaustion. Whether your partner has been diagnosed with NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) or displays many of the traits, there are important considerations for how to approach divorce that are less important when divorcing in general. 

The most challenging narcissistic traits

  • Belief that they are unique and superior
  • Need for excessive admiration
  • Lack of empathy and compassion
  • Interpersonal exploitativeness
  • Hypersensitivity to criticism
  • Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.

Many people don’t realize that what’s at the root of all the boasting and bragging a narcissist does is a deep insecurity. This makes dealing the reaction of telling a narcissist that you are done with the relationship particularly hard. Nobody likes being rejected, but a narcissist finds rejection intolerable. 

divorcing a narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist

Navigating a marital relationship with a narcissist presents significant psychological and emotional challenges; however, the process of divorcing a narcissist can be even more complex and distressing. Ending the relationship may trigger what is referred to as a narcissistic injury—a profound blow to the individual’s self-esteem resulting from perceived rejection or loss of control. This injury frequently elicits heightened hostility, emotional reactivity, and vindictive behavior. The narcissist may engage in manipulative tactics aimed at reasserting dominance, preserving their self-image, or retaliating. Such behaviors may include:

  • Prolonged legal conflict: Deliberate obstruction or escalation of divorce proceedings as a means of control or punishment.
  • Psychological manipulation: Gaslighting, spreading misinformation, or badmouthing the former partner.
  • Parental alienation or triangulation: Using kids or mutual friends in an attempt to destroy relationships.
  • Feigning victimization: Assuming a victim role to get sympathy and discredit the other person.

Understanding and anticipating these behaviors can aid in reducing distress and facilitating a safer, more structured divorce process.

Tips for navigating a divorce with a narcissist

  1. Find a competent lawyer experienced in high-conflict or narcissistic divorce cases. Ensure they understand tactics such as parental alienation.
  2. Prepare for prolonged proceedings and set realistic expectations around how long it may take to get divorced and how much it will cost.  Also don’t expect empathy, cooperation, or closure from your partner. Recognize that “winning” for the narcissist often means continuing conflict, not resolution. Focus on protecting your own well-being and long-term goals.
  3. Prioritize safety. If there’s any threat of emotional, financial, or physical abuse, create a safety plan. Consult domestic violence resources even if the abuse is primarily psychological. Secure financial documents, passwords, and other important information early in the process.
  4. Document everything. Keep a written record of all interactions (emails, texts, voicemails, etc.). Detail incidents of manipulation, threats, or abuse. Use communication tools like OurFamilyWizard which provide court-admissible records.
  5. Set and maintain boundaries. Limit communication to written formats when possible and avoid emotional engagement or reactive behavior—narcissists often provoke conflict to get control. Use the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) when you do need to communicate.
  6. Protect the kids (if you have them). If custody is involved, push for a structured parenting plan and keep all child-related communication child-focused and documented.
  7. Seek Professional Support. Hire a divorce coach or therapist who specializes in high-conflict divorce and understands narcissistic abuse.

Getting support

Do you need support in your journey in divorcing a narcissist? Contact me and let’s get started!

June 19, 2025

why women divorce
Co-Parenting  ·  Communication  ·  Divorce Process  ·  Single Mom
Why Women Get Divorced

The common reasons women consider divorce

Are you feeling curious about how other women view their relationship? About whether your reasons for marital dissatisfaction are common or even reasonable? Many clients come to me feeling unhappy and confused about the state of their relationship and level of disconnection with their partner. While everyone’s situation is different and unique, I have noticed particular themes coming up regularly for my female-identifying clients when it comes to their partnerships. I’ve noticed similar themes in podcasts and articles I’ve encountered recently. It helps to know that you aren’t alone and that your concerns aren’t unusual. In this blog post I’m going to outline these themes and explore the reasons why women get divorced with the hope that you might feel more seen. 

Mental load & uneven division of labor

Mental load refers to the invisible cognitive and emotional work involved in managing a household. This concept often highlights the additional responsibilities that primarily fall on women, acting as the “project manager” of the home. Mental load encompasses various tasks such as meal planning, coordinating family appointments and kids’ activities, planning dates, managing events and holidays, delegating chores, considering pet care, and handling gift-giving. When one partner carries this mental load alone, it can lead to feelings of resentment and being unappreciated, especially for those already juggling multiple responsibilities.

mental load

Often, when women realize they are carrying the mental load, they seek ways to communicate their need for help to their partner. Sometimes they do this gently, while other times it may be more direct or forceful. If their partner dismisses their concerns or attempts to help but ultimately fails to meet their needs, women can feel helpless and increasingly resentful. This dynamic becomes even more challenging when the partner is suffering from depression or if they have ADD or ADHD. In this case, women feel they are better equipped to handle the mental load and give up trying to get help from their partner. This is made even worse when a woman is also doing the lion’s share of the actual work at home.  At the heart of it, women who carry the mental load and perform more of the domestic work, feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. They resent not having a true partner who helps to carry the burden she feels. While this isn’t the primary or only reason given for why women get divorced, it is a large contributing factor. 

Feeling shut out

Often, women come to me feeling shut out by their partner. Attempts to connect or communicate about differences, issues, or conflicts are met with what the Gottmans refer to as stonewalling.

Stonewalling often occurs because the nervous system of the partner hearing the complaint is triggered into flight or freeze mode. To the partner trying to communicate their feelings, it can feel like they are being ignored or dismissed. Over time, if someone feels their feelings are met with resistance or ignored, they may respond in kind with their own shutdown. Some individuals also have a more avoidant attachment style, making them feel pursued or pressured by their partner more threatening.

being shut out

What healthy relationships bring to us is a feeling of being seen and understood. When someone turns away from us, it feels like we no longer matter to them. After months or even years of this, disengagement and disconnection grow, eventually breaking a couple apart.  

Addiction & Infidelity

While addiction and infidelity may seem strange to lump together, they both lead to a partner feeling something or someone is more important than them. When someone is unwilling or unable to stay sober or they have an affair, the relationship essentially takes on dealing with a third party or element instead of the letting the couple deal just with their relationship. Dealing with a betrayal is something that some couples can get past, but not without a lot of help and communication on both fronts. When trust is broken, it can be hard to regain. That’s why addiction and infidelity are key reasons why women get divorced. 

Getting support

Do you need support in processing your reasons for considering a divorce? Contact me and let’s get started!

October 31, 2024

Co-Parenting  ·  Communication  ·  Divorce Process  ·  Enneagram  ·  Grief  ·  Life  ·  Single Mom
The Enneagram and Divorce:
Lessons for Each of the Nine Types

The Enneagram

The Enneagram is a personality typing system based on ancient wisdom that postulates that there are nine fundamental ways to be in the world. Unlike other theories of personality, The Enneagram focuses on what motivates individuals instead of looking at their behavior. Because of this it’s hard to determine which of the nine types best fits you by taking a quiz. I can attest to this personally. I’ve taken several tests which typed me as a three but after hearing it taught orally and reading “The Road Back to You” by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile, I realized that I am most definitely a two.  If you are interested in learning more about the Enneagram, I highly encourage you to read this book and also to listen to Suzanne’s podcast, “The Enneagram Journey.”

The Enneagram and Divorce

Why look at the Enneagram and divorce? I’ve found it to be a useful tool both personally and professionally. Understanding my type and how I view the world both in average space and when I’m stressed has helped strengthen relationships with my family, partner, friends, co-workers and children. Knowing that different things motivate us based on our Enneagram number and what we are trying to avoid has been immensely helpful. Divorce is often one of the most stressful times in a person’s life. It creates major shifts in your lifestyle, your relationships and your finances. Knowing how you will likely act in stress and the pitfalls you encounter in your type can help you navigate the experience better.

Stress and Your Type

One of the most interesting things about the Enneagram is that it is not static. How we act normally in our number is not how we act in stress. In fact, each number often borrows the characteristics of a different specific number (indicated by the down arrow in the Enneagram figure). As Suzanne Stabile teaches, “you cannot be healthy without the number you go to in stress.” I will explore how this movement will change your behavior and the support you can get from it.

Type One: The Perfectionist

Enneagram One Divorce

Type Ones are concerned with doing things right, which is why they are labeled, “the perfectionist”. Divorce is often chaotic and filled with uncertainty, and therefore control can be a major issue for ones during this time. Even in peaceful times, ones are plagued by the voice of their inner critic telling them what they are doing wrong and how they can improve. During stressful times, this inner critic may be unrelenting, encouraging them to micromanage everyone and everything around them. Ones are compelled to fix the problems they see around them. Divorce is filled with issues to be managed. When the way to manage these issues are met with resistance from a partner, ones may get more critical and stubborn than usual. Ones are no stranger to anger and resentment and may feel overcome by these emotions during divorce.

Ones go to four in stress. When fours are at their least healthy, they can be manipulative and shame-filled. If you are a one, watch for depression and reach out for support during this time. Fours are able to handle all emotions including sadness and grief more skillfully than most numbers. If you are a one parent, try to maintain an open dialogue with your kids and be receptive to hearing their concerns. Your instinct will be to feel riddled with guilt and shut down. Because ones are excellent taskmasters, use your organizational wizardry to help with consistent schedules and routines that will help your kids feel safe during a more turbulent time. 

Helpful tips

  • Mistakes will be made along the road of divorce. Because ones hate making mistakes, they can fall into a pit of despair and catastrophize when things don’t go to their plan. If you are a one going through a divorce, remember that when one thing doesn’t go your way, all is not lost. 
  • Heap on a very large dose of self-compassion. 
  • Strive for “good enough” in all that you do right now.
  • Shrink your inner critic and try to be less sensitive to criticism.
  • Choose to go to the high side of four instead of the low side. Find a way to deal with stress through creative pursuits and be emotionally honest about your challenges with trusted friends, family, a coach or a therapist.

Type Two: The Helper

Type Twos are the most relational which is why they are labeled “the helper”. Because divorce is about the rupture or break in a relationship, twos struggle greatly about the meaning of this breakup in terms of their worth. A divorce can trigger an all out identity crisis in twos who can no longer introduce themselves as the loving and devoted partner they once were.  They also worry a lot about how it will affect the other important relationships in their life including with their children and mutual friends. Once loving and warm, relationships with in-laws can be fraught with new tension and criticism.  Because twos struggle the most with criticism, this is particularly difficult. When twos are at their least healthy, they have a tendency to overhelp and give to get. Twos may have a hard time accepting that their partner no longer needs them and run to find other individuals who can meet this need. 

Twos go to eight in stress. This can be a startling move to those who know them well. Eights lead with anger and assertiveness and can be prone to blaming their marital issues all on their partner. Once loving and accommodating, in high-conflict divorces, twos go on the offense making sure others around them know how they have been wronged. 

Helpful tips

  • Most twos have built a good support network – lean on your family and friends during this time and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
  • Be prepared to grieve lost relationships during this time and bring up thinking to understand the normal toll that loss can bring.
  • Use the high side of eight to assert what you think is fair in settlement and custody discussions instead of playing the martyr. 
  • Self-care will be your best friend right now. Find as many ways as possible to take care of yourself during this stressful time.
  • Don’t run head first into another romantic relationship. Take the time to get to know yourself as a single person and settle into this new identity before looking for a new partner. 
  • Learn to exercise your “no” muscle. Right now you’ll have lots of extra demands due to the divorce and you need to prioritize yourself and your family. 

Type Three: The Performer

Enneagram Three Divorce

Type threes are called “the performers” due to their ability to perform however needed to succeed. Driven, self-confident, and competitive, threes uniquely struggle with divorce because they see it as a personal failure. Threes like to look successful which often means owning status symbols like big houses, luxury cars and other toys. Dividing assets and losing these status symbols may make them feel like they are going backward in life.

Threes are good at quickly accessing how others feel but often ignore feelings when making decisions. The divorce process will go more smoothly for them if they focus more on their feelings and their partner’s feelings when making decisions that will affect everyone long-term.  Unhealthy threes may in particular want to retaliate and can get petty when cornered. While they feel like they’ve failed, admitting mistakes and shortcomings can be difficult in high-conflict divorces, for threes. Because threes are good at determining who to be in any given situation, they may have more sway with less experienced mediators and judges. 

Threes go to nine in stress which means that they may slow down and become less productive. Unhealthy nines are highly conflict avoidant and isolate. While normally confident and go-getters, when threes go to nine their behavior looks vastly different. If threes can access the high side of nine, they can see all sides of a dispute and be more understanding of their partner’s position in settlement discussions. 

Helpful tips

  • While you will be good at performing the tasks involved in divorce, remember that grief is not a linear process and a checklist will not help you here.
  •  Use your natural organizational ability and make a plan to get things moving in your divorce process. 
  •  Hire a coach or therapist to help you work through the difficult task of accepting that your family structure now looks different. Threes like to present a picture in society of success and may struggle with the image of a single-parent or divorced person. 
  • Workaholism is already an easy place for threes to land when things are going well. When stressed, threes have a tendency to fully immerse themselves in work and ignore other aspects of their lives. Work on work-life balance and find meaning in other places in your life.  
  • Remember that external success and material possessions don’t define who you really are at your core. Use this time to get in touch with your true self. 

Type Four: The Romantic

Type fours are called “the romantic” due to their emotionality, intrigue and interest in deep connections. Fours often feel special, unique and misunderstood. To find a partner who “gets them” and then rejects them, fours can go deep into the melancholy they are known for. Fours can feel that something is missing within themselves and having a partner leave them is an affirmation of this belief. Fours are no stranger to shame and because their orientation to time is the past, they often blame themselves and perseverate on past mistakes. Unhealthy fours can also be quite melodramatic about the breakup, making even small issues seem like the end of the world. 

Fours can be moody even on a good day, but divorce often brings these mood swings into full effect, giving those whiplash around them. Fours feel their feelings deeply and riding those waves can be overwhelming and create a lot of important things to be ignored and left undone. Fours already hate the mundane, and fours may have an even harder time with household chores, childcare and bill paying during separation and divorce. Fours go to two in stress which will make them feel more dependent on others and they may need more reassurance than normal. 

Helpful tips

  • Use your creativity to find some joy right now. Write music, poems or find your artistic side. 
  • Your feelings and needs will feel extra intense at this time. Remember to lean on but not overload your friends and families with your current feelings and try to keep things in perspective. 
  • It may be time to look for a divorce support group. Fours can feel all alone with their intense feelings but seeing that others are experiencing similar stresses and feelings can be helpful. 
  • Access the high side of nine to take a bit of a break from the intensity right now. Practice relaxation and stress relief. 
  • Don’t wallow in suffering – find ways to spark joy and enjoy small moments, even if fleeting. 

Type Five: The Investigator

Type fives are called “the investigator” due to their love of knowledge and their observant nature. Fives have a measured amount of energy each day and they are careful how they spend it. While fives can be great mates, they are often introverts and need time alone to recharge after social interactions. Fives are highly independent and may do better than some with the uncoupling process. Desiring a lot of privacy, a five’s worst nightmare is for their divorce to become a public spectacle. 

While fives may not show a lot of outward emotion during the process, it doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering. Most fives will look like they’ve fully got it together even when falling apart. Fives need space, privacy and time to process emotional experiences and friends and family may not feel that they are appropriately grieving. In addition, fives may go into analysis paralysis when researching the right attorney, the right divorce process and settlement procedures. They feel knowledge is power and they will try to get every last bit of it when making important decisions. 

Fives make the surprising jump to seven in stress which may make them seem uncharacteristically disorganized and distracted. Fives can also come across as sarcastic, rude and superior when they feel backed into a corner. 

Helpful tips

  • Feelings that you resist will persist. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, if even it takes a while to do so. 
  • Try not to isolate yourself from others so much that you don’t accept needed help at this time. 
  • Talk to a good friend regularly and share your deepest worries.
  • Go to the high side of seven and do something adventurous or take some time off to travel.
  • Find a therapist or coach to help you not get too bogged down in your thoughts

Type Six: The Loyalist

Type sixes are called “the loyalist” due to their dedication to the common good. Sixes are known to be on the spectrum of phobic to counter-phobic which means that they both want to trust and are suspicious of authority figures. At their unhealthiest, sixes are worst-case scenario obsessed, always assuming and planning for an imminent disaster. Because divorce may be one of the hardest circumstances sixes face, sixes can fall into a depression and mantra of “told you it wasn’t going to work out.” Fortunately for sixes, because they saw it coming, they are better prepared in a practical sense to deal with the changes they face. 

Sixes may struggle most with their place in community settings after divorce – unsure where they fit in and how others perceive them. Security is of utmost importance to them and being on shaky ground financially and in relationships can be terrifying for them. Already cursed with a large helping of fear and anxiety, sixes find this time especially worrisome. Sixes go to three in stress. Threes are concerned with material wealth and sixes may try to hold tight to all resources during a divorce to provide reassurance that they will not be destitute. 

Helpful tips

  • Stay away from bad news in the world right now and focus on taking care of yourself and your family instead. 
  • Be with friends and family who provide calm reassurance and won’t dismiss your fears. 
  • Try not to catastrophize. Use your strong logic to figure out what you need and how you can take care of practical matters.
  • Don’t assume your spouse is going to take you down or leave you penniless. Find ways to see the humanity in them and their intentions. 
  • Try not to waffle about important divorce decisions – seek knowledgeable resources to help with decision-making if you are feeling unsure of yourself. 

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

Type sevens are called “the enthusiast” due to their fun-loving nature and zest for life. Sevens lean into the positive and avoid the negative and can be surprised when things don’t go their way and when their expectations are not met. Sevens are famous for their “reframe” – taking bad situations and remembering them more positively after the fact. Divorce can be unexpected when sevens are not able to accept that their marriage has troubles. They are masters of denial. Sevens avoid pain and negative emotions and unhealthy sevens often find that they can’t cope effectively, sometimes turning to addiction or other avoidant behaviors. 

Divorce may be the first time a seven encounters a truly challenging experience in their life that they can’t reframe. This can leave them feeling a sense of chronic deprivation and hurt that can take them down. Most often cheerful and adventurous, a depressed seven will look like an entirely different person. Often friends and family of divorcing sevens aren’t sure how to help their loved one during this time. Sevens aren’t as likely as other numbers to seek therapy either because they don’t want to indulge in negative emotions or discuss the pain.  Sevens go to one in stress. Stressed sevens are prone to blame all their marital problems on their spouse, be unwilling to compromise in settlement discussions and be argumentative. 

Helpful tips

  • Accept that you will most likely feel bad during this time, and that’s okay. Bad feelings aren’t something to fix, they should be felt and then let go. 
  • Accept that the marriage is over and your part in its unraveling. 
  • Seek and accept help from others. Know that some of your loved ones will be confused and unsure how to help you because you are rarely in a negative space. 
  • Notice the urge to drink too much, eat too much and other addictive behaviors as a way to cope. Find other healthier coping strategies.
  • Listen to trusted advisors about how you should approach a divorce settlement – you don’t like being told what to do but this is a good time to listen. 

Type Eight: The Challenger

Enneagram Eight Divorce

 

Type eights are called “the challenger” because of their assertive nature. Eight have no trouble asking for what they need and stepping into leadership roles. Already assertive and to the point, eights may look especially bold and outspoken during this time. Eights can become easily annoyed by the slow pace of divorce and will work hard to keep things moving. Eights don’t like to feel controlled and may struggle when things don’t go the way they think is best. Eights struggle deeply with trusting others and worry that they will betrayed. Divorce by a spouse can feel like a deep betrayal for them and may bring about a desire for revenge or retribution. 

Divorce can feel like a chess match for eights. They work hard to hide vulnerabilities and use their intelligence to strategize to their advantage. Because anger is always at the forefront for eights, and divorce can feel like a match to be won, and anger is often wielded as a weapon. Eights are very comfortable with conflict which can make divorcing an eight particularly challenging.  Eights go to five in stress and become more secretive and paranoid. They can neglect their health and have trouble sleeping. 

Helpful tips

  • Know that the process may go more slowly than you want. Take the time to figure out what you want and slow down instead of pushing your agenda quickly. 
  • Lean into your desire for social justice and apply that sense of fairness to how assets can be divided more fairly across households. 
  • Hire professionals that you have trust in or you will constantly question whether they have your back. 
  • Try to stay away from all-or-nothing thinking right now – your partner is not either all good or all bad and neither is any solution they may bring up to settle the divorce. 
  • Make sure you are getting plenty of rest and self-care. 

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

Enneagram Nine Divorce

Type nines are called “the peacemakers” because they hate conflict and can see all sides of an argument. Nines may have found their way into divorce in part because they didn’t know how to handle the conflict in their marriage and chose to ignore warning signs or their partners’ pleas to work on the relationship. Since divorce can be filled with conflict this is a very challenging process for nines. Fortunately for the nine’s partner, they can expect the nine to be fair and see their point of view. Nines may have trouble figuring out what they need and struggle with standing up for themselves during the divorce process. Some may fall into numbing and avoidance – making addiction a thing to watch for. Nines also have the least amount of energy of any number on the enneagram and may find all the changes and decisions are nearly impossible to deal with during divorce. 

Nines go to six in stress. Because sixes and nines can be doubtful about their decision-making, this is a double whammy for nines. Nines may be particularly slow and avoidant during this time and need a lot of reassurance and outside expertise to help them through the divorce process and keep them on track. 

Helpful tips

  • Nines are known for a technique called merging where they steer their opinion to merge into someone else’s opinion. While this may make a divorce process go more quickly or smoothly, nine’s may agree to something that hurts them long-term. Therefore, nines should be mindful of putting in the energy now to figure how what is best for them and their family, now and in the future. 
  • Nines are no strangers to being passive-aggressive and nursing grudges. Try to be open about your feelings and how things affect you in the present moment instead of holding onto your anger. 
  • Nines don’t like feeling pressured to perform and this can be an exhausting time for nines. Try to make sure you are getting in plenty of self-care.
  • Use your sense of fairness and the gift of seeing things from all perspectives to create a settlement that will work for everyone. 
  • Nines don’t do well when their schedule and routines are interrupted. Divorce can wreak havoc on the predictable. See where you are willing to be flexible and try to keep everything else routine for you and your family. 

In Conclusion

If you are going through or are considering a divorce and want to do deeper Enneagram work with a divorce coach, please contact me. Working with someone who knows the Enneagram and divorce can be a great benefit to you. We can explore your specific situation and how you and your partner’s Enneagram number may impact your divorce. 

December 5, 2023

Communication  ·  Divorce Process
Women Speak Out in Divorce: Avoid these Communication Gender Traps

Psychologists and feminist scholars have long studied how males and females are socialized to communicate differently. In the same way that communication gender traps can hurt women at work, in relationships, and in leadership positions, they also deliver a powerful punch in divorce.

Recently a divorce coaching client asked me, “wait, can I actually say that?” in response to my question about what she needed to communicate to her lawyer. Women need to be concerned with not only how they communicate with their ex during a divorce but also with the divorce professionals that can help them.

How women are taught to communicate

Women are socialized to believe that women talk too much, should be “nice” and “polite”, should apologize and qualify their statements and allow their male counterparts to interrupt them. Studies have shown that women do not talk more than men. In fact, in professional and classroom settings men are far more likely to volunteer their opinions than women. Additionally, any expression of a woman’s negative emotions is not tolerated and is often blamed on hormones and being “crazy.”

Communication in a divorce

When someone goes through a divorce they are likely to communicate with:

  1. Their spouse
  2. Their attorney
  3. Financial professionals
  4. A mediator
  5. A judge

They are likely to fall into the same communication gender traps with all of them, regardless of the other’s gender.

Common communication gender traps in divorce

Looking out for everyone else’s best interest. Women are taught to care for others and wear it as a badge of honor. Most women I know can easily express what their children want, what their spouse wants, and what their boss wants but when it comes to what they want, they just aren’t sure (or apologize for wanting it). As girls, they were made to feel that their wants were too big, too much, or just plain silly. Women are socialized to believe that they (and their wants) take up too much space. When they step into a divorce space, they often feel guilty for wanting anything for themselves and communicate in a way that minimizes their own needs and desires.

I highly encourage women who are facing divorce to get very clear about what is in their best interest as well as their children’s because they often go hand in hand. Talking to a divorce coach, a therapist or a trusted friend can help in getting clear. Once you know what to ask for, you need to speak up. If a particular divorce professional you’ve hired isn’t listening or answering questions in a way that works for you, you need to say so.

Apologizing. Women are socialized to believe that they should apologize for having needs. They often start statements with “I’m sorry but…”, and “This might seem stupid, but…”, I might be wrong, but…” Nian Hu writes, “While men are able to deliver their opinions and ask their questions in a blunt and straightforward manner, women often equivocate, apologize, and frame everything they say in vague language.”

So what can you do to avoid these communication gender traps? Reread your emails before sending them – look and correct language where you have used qualifiers or apologized. Ask a friend or coach their thoughts before expressing yourself verbally or in writing about your divorce case. The clearer and more direct you are about what you want and need the more smoothly things will go. Lynn Fahselt brilliantly suggests these tips for not over-apologizing:

  • Keep an apology log for a week. Jot down how many times you apologize in a given day and what for.
  • Get the Just Not Sorry – Gmail Plug-in, which alerts you—underlined in red—every time you use the word “Just” or “Sorry” in an email.
  • Don’t apologize for things that are out of your control.
  • Replace “sorry” with “Unfortunately” or “Excuse me.”
 
Qualifying and justifying. Women have been taught to both qualify and justify their experiences. So many of my female clients feel the need to tell their stories in great detail to explain why they felt the way they felt and did the things they did. While I appreciate the context in a coaching conversation, in the legal process, it’s both diminished and costly.  Many people stop listening when they hear too many justifications. Men tend to be more straight to the point with fewer personal anecdotes. The more businesslike your correspondence is with your divorce attorney, mediator and your ex, the clearer and more seriously they will take it. Here are some examples of qualifying and justifying statements:
 
“I could be wrong but…”
“Maybe it’s just me but…”
“I think….”
“I’m no expert but…”
“He did this so I had to do that.”
“It seems I should…”
“You probably know better but…”
 
To practice, notice how much your communication involves using justification and qualification in your everyday life. Do you feel the need to explain yourself? Do you find yourself being unclear to avoid hurting others’ feelings? It’s normal to feel emotional during a divorce and for it to color your communication but attempting to communicate differently is important.
 
Saying no. Women are socialized to be people pleasers. On a good day, most women have a hard time saying no. During a difficult time, maintaining boundaries in the face of conflict can feel downright impossible. This is particularly true when you are asking for a divorce and you feel guilt over it. Using language like “I don’t” or “that doesn’t work for me” is stronger than “I can’t…..” which can feel like an excuse.  When you have rules for yourself about what you will and will not allow, you gain more respect. 
 
For example, let’s say you are in a mediation session with your husband. The mediator tells you that you should compromise and sell the house. Instead of saying “no I can’t do that, it would kill me”, imagine saying this instead – “Selling the house doesn’t work for me. We’ve looked at the numbers and he can afford to buy me out. Let’s explore that.” If you were the mediator or your husband what reaction would you have to each?
 
You don’t owe a long explanation or justification for your “no” either. Take a deep breath before you turn something down and remember your long-term goals. Saying “yes” to a custody agreement or a financial settlement that doesn’t serve you long-term can fill you with a lifetime of regret.
 
Don’t allow interruptions. Lynn Fahselt puts it well: “Numerous studies show that women are interrupted nearly twice as much as men—by both men and women—and even more for women of color. In one study of male-female pairs, researchers found 48 total interruptions—with men instigating 46 of the 48.” What happens internally when someone is interrupted? They lose focus, they question the validity of their own statements and often give up. Giving up in the context of divorce can be detrimental to the overall outcome of your divorce.
 
You probably won’t catch it every time someone interrupts you. But becoming more aware of it can help you stop it when it happens. Next time someone interrupts you, try one of these statements:
 
“Please let me finish.”
“Hold on, I’m not done.”
“This is important.”

Changing how you communicate will be uncomfortable at first. Developing new habits and patterns takes time. Even if you stop an interruption once this week, you’ll be making progress.

Direct communication is not rude. Women are socialized to be indirect in their communication. Lauren Powell, Psy.D., clinical psychologist, said, “society as a whole values women who are passive and agreeable. Women don’t speak up fearing they’ll be seen as bossy, demanding or high-maintenance.” My clients often have me review correspondence with their attorneys and spouses to ensure they are as direct and clear as possible. Recently a client asked me how to approach her attorney in a way that didn’t feel “rude.” I asked her why communicating her needs felt “rude” and I reminded her that her attorney’s feelings were not her responsibility.

There are better ways to address people when our needs aren’t being met (taking emotion of it, owning how their behavior makes you feel) than others. However, in the end, if a professional you’ve hired isn’t communicating with you in a way that meets your needs, you have the right to move on. Here is an example of a better way to communicate the same thing:

“I’m not sure you understood the questions in my last email, can you take another look”.  – not clear or direct

Instead:

“I need a clearer explanation of why you believe I can’t get 50/50 custody of my children. Let’s schedule a phone call to discuss this. This is the most important part of my case. When are you available?” – call to action, clearly stating the importance of the topic and how you’d like to communicate.

When you are socialized to communicate in a particular way your whole life, it can be challenging to do it differently. Being aware of the communication gender traps in divorce is a good first step. Practicing new ways of communicating and pushing past the discomfort is the next. 

Getting support

Do you need support in communicating differently? Contact me and let’s get started!

February 11, 2023