Co-parenting

Direction  ·  Divorce Process
Running the Divorce Mediation Gauntlet: Part Two

Coping with divorce mediation stress

Manage your expectations

Often your experience of a difficult situation is impacted by your expectations going into it.  Checking your expectations about how other parties will act, how you will react, and the process will help you understand how your expectations are impacting your mediation experience and how they will impact your divorce mediation stress.

  1. The mediator. A mediator’s job is to get you and your spouse to come to an agreement on important elements of your divorce settlement. Many people expect because the mediator is a neutral party, their interactions with them will also feel neutral. This is not often the case.  During the process, they may ask you to consider your spouse’s point of view, compromise, or consider your child’s needs above your own. These requests can be triggering and may make you feel angry and defensive.
  2. Your spouse. How your spouse normally deals with conflict may give you an idea of how they will handle divorce mediation stress. Are they prone to angry outbursts and unkind words? Do they act differently in front of others, caring about how they look, or do they care little about other’s perceptions of them? Maybe they shut down in the face of conflict. Do they get stubborn and dig their heels in at even small points of compromise? How do they feel about your mutual assets, the money they’ve earned during your marriage and your role in the household?
  3. You. I’ve had many clients express surprise and/or disappointment with themselves for how they reacted during a mediation. Your spouse has been an intimate partner and most likely knows your hot buttons. Thinking about how you can most effectively deal with being triggered will make you more prepared. Also consider how you typically deal with conflict. Come to the table in good faith and with the desire to reach an agreement. Visualize acting in a way that will make you leave with your head held high.
  4. The process. How do you expect the process to go? How many meetings do you assume it will take to come to an agreement on all mediated issues? Expecting the process to go quickly is a mistake many people make. Expecting it to be mostly smooth is another mistake. Expecting that you will get everything you want will most likely result in you going to court.  Clients who get a clear understanding from their mediator about the range of what is typical in terms of time, number of meetings, etc. have a much easier time managing their own expectations. Push yourself to be realistic when you hear what’s normal for other people and it will help you manage your divorce mediation stress.

Preparation

  1. Define what good self-care means to you and practice it in the days coming up to mediation. Get a good night’s sleep and eat healthy food.
  2. Put some thought into what will make you feel supported during the mediation. Consider bringing a favorite water bottle, snacks, paperwork, a notebook and pen, and the phone number of your attorney or a support person in case you need to reach them during a break.
  3.  Plan what you will wear – choose clothes that make you feel confident and comfortable.
  4.  Review strategies with  a friend or your divorce coach like breathing and asking for breaks if you get triggered.
  5. Keep yourself from going into a negative spiral of anger and anxiety right before the meeting. Try to keep calm and remind yourself you have your own back and can be open to the process.

Coping strategies for the day of the mediation

  1. Stay attuned to your emotional and physical state. Notice signs that indicate you’re becoming dysregulated like shallow breaths, feeling like you have a lump in your throat, tenseness, knots in your stomach and redness in your face.  As soon as you feel triggered, use a mindfulness strategy to keep yourself from escalating further. Your goal is to avoid shutting down or reacting in a way that may worsen the conflict.
  2. Ask for a break. Go outside and take a walk or call a friend.  Brainstorm ideas about shifting your mindset or being more clear and effective in your communication when you return. If it’s a legal issue that’s got you tripped up, call your attorney if they aren’t already present.
  3. If you hear something triggering, instead of verbalizing or interrupting, write down your thought instead. This will give you a minute to pause and to think about how you want to respond in a rational instead of an emotional way.  Or maybe you’ll decide it’s not worth responding at all. Sometimes ignoring an attempt by your spouse to get a rise out of you, is the most powerful thing you can do.
  4. Speak up for what you want from the divorce without making demands. Back up your reasoning with facts and provide an explanation for your point of view. A mediator can help you come together based on facts when you can’t see eye-to-eye emotionally. For example, if you want to ask for alimony (also called spousal maintenance in several states) and you haven’t been in the workforce for many years, explain that it’s because you’ll need job retraining or a money to earn a degree to get a job that will support you from then on.
  5. Know what you are willing to accept before you enter the room. If something is offered that you think is reasonable, say so. Many people regret not taking a good offer when it comes along because they don’t trust their decision-making or think that they can hold out for something better.
  6. Don’t treat mediation like a couples therapy session. Pay close attention to what the mediator is asking from you and provide an answer that is based on the desired outcome, not your exes past behavior. For example, if the mediator asks you to propose a custody schedule, don’t start listing all the reasons your ex isn’t a great dad.

After the mediation

If you anticipate that the mediation will be difficult, make an appointment with your divorce coach or counselor to see them shortly after. Knowing that you can process the event may give you some peace of mind and feelings of support. Be gentle with yourself no matter how it goes.

Getting support

Don’t have a divorce coach and need someone who can support you through your mediation process? I’d love to help you through the process so it feels less like you’re running a  gauntlet alone and more like you’re ready to start your new life with promise. Contact me and let’s get started.

August 16, 2022

divorce mediation
Direction  ·  Divorce Process
Running the Divorce Mediation Gauntlet: Part One

Running a gauntlet might conjure up images of being judged and tortured from all angles as you work your way towards a goal. While the divorce mediation process doesn’t have to be torture, many of my divorce coaching clients identify it as one of the most stressful moments in their lives. Knowing how to prepare and to cope is something I often help them with and today I’m sharing some of those thoughts with you. 

Divorce Mediation: How did I get here?

Divorce mediation is considered a form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR), which is an alternative path from a court or judge decided divorce. It is conducted by a trained and neutral third party, often an independent attorney or mental health provider. Some people come to mediation after hiring an attorney and some go before or instead of hiring an attorney. Mediation is often used to help a divorcing couple come to an agreement on sensitive topics like child custody, child support, and division of assets.  Mediation is only necessary when the divorce is contested in some area. If the couple can agree on all aspects of the split, they do not need a mediator.  In mediation, the couple makes all the decisions, and the parties aren’t forced to reach a settlement.

You and your spouse may have agreed to go to mediation or your state may have required it.  Especially when child custody and visitation rights are disputed, many states require that divorcing spouses go to mediation.  Most court-mandated mediation is free or is provided at a low cost but not all issues in the divorce are handled in this mediation setting.

Divorce Mediators: How to find a good one?

Often people find a mediator in the same way they find a divorce attorney. Getting a personal recommendation from friends or family can be a good way, particularly if they had their own mediation experience with the professional. Sometimes your marriage therapist or divorce coach will also have a recommendation so don’t be shy about asking them. Check with your state to make sure you hire someone who is properly licensed or meets the minimum training requirements for your state. Some states have professional ADR associations that will list qualified mediators. The Academy of Professional Family Mediators, a national organization also maintains a list of mediator members. 

Divorce Mediators: Who to choose?

I always recommend meeting or talking to a mediator before hiring them. It’s a good idea to come up with a list of more than two mediators you’d be happy to work with in case your spouse does not agree with your first choice.  Here are some other important considerations in hiring a divorce mediator:

Experience & Specific Knowledge

Only work with a mediator with appropriate divorce mediation training. Don’t be shy about asking them how many cases they’ve mediated and how they define a successful mediation. Any mediator you hire should be familiar with your state’s divorce laws on the topics at issue in your case.

Consider the most important sticking points in your divorce currently. Are they financial? Related to child custody or visitation? Hiring a mediator with expertise in those areas can be invaluable.  When there are multiple points of contention in your divorce, you may find that a mediator who is also an attorney is a good bet as they are seasoned family law professionals.

Cost

Most mediators charge by the hour.  Mediators that are also attorneys often charge the same hourly rate for non-mediation work.  Mediators who are not attorneys typically charge less.  Other mediators or mediation services charge by the session or offer a flat fee. Usually the mediation costs are split by the divorcing couple. Additional fees for filing paperwork and court fees are often not included so make sure you get a full picture of what a mediator’s service entails.

Personality

Hiring any professional requires trusting that they can do the job effectively and efficiently.  Hire someone who is calm, fair, and listens well.  A good mediator doesn’t dominate conversations with their opinions or push parties into agreeing to things they aren’t comfortable with.

Preparing for Mediation

Before the meeting, mediators will often ask for written information about the divorce. Some mediators require both spouses to submit necessary financial documents as well. Depending on the mediator’s rules, individuals may bring their lawyer to the meeting. Some mediators allow a friend or support person to accompany each party, so if this is something that might be helpful for you, check with them first. If you don’t understand the details of the meetings like whether you will be in the same room as your spouse, how long it will last, etc. make sure you ask and get this clarification beforehand. 

Should I hire an attorney if I don’t already have one?

While this is a highly personal decision, here are some things to consider:

  1. As a neutral third party, your mediator can’t tell you if you’re making a good or bad deal in your divorce. 
  2. How well do you know your state divorce laws? If you are worried that you don’t know the law well enough to protect your rights during mediation, it may be time to consider hiring an attorney. 
  3. If you hire an attorney at this stage find one who is familiar not just with family law but also with the mediation process in your state. A lawyer can help you with negotiation techniques, explain legal concepts, and review agreements, making sure they are valid and protects your rights.
  4. Does your spouse have an attorney? Leveling the playfield is smart if they are working with one. If they do not, it’s important to consider what they’ve communicated to you about retaining attorneys. Hiring an attorney when your spouse is adamantly against it may create more tension in the process. However, if you feel your spouse isn’t being honest about having an attorney, that is another factor to consider. 
  5. There are complex issues like child custody and asset division. An alternative to consider in addition or instead of hiring an attorney would be hiring a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst), business evaluator or child custody specialist. 
  6. Cost. Hiring an attorney and paying for a mediation process can be costly.  But, while you might save money, many people find it worth it, in the long run, to consult with an attorney to make sure they aren’t giving up valuable rights or taking on extra responsibilities in the settlement agreement. Having your attorney at your mediation is also likely to cost more than consulting with them on an as-needed basis during the mediation or connecting with them afterward. 

 

Up next…

How to cope during the mediation

August 15, 2022

Myers Briggs through divorce
Co-Parenting  ·  Family  ·  Grief  ·  Personality  ·  Single Mom
Divorce and Your Myers Briggs Personality Type: What to Expect

This article is dedicated to those of you who enjoy the Myers Briggs Personality Test (MBTI®) as much as I do.  Looking at how Myers Briggs and divorce intersect has been an interesting project. I first took the test in my teens and studying my type has increased my self-knowledge and deepened my relationships. It has been particularly helpful during a major life event, like divorce. 

Divorce is a unique process – it can bring out the worst in us but it can also be an invitation to call upon our strongest and most resilient qualities. For a lot of us, going through a divorce can feel like a rupture in our identity. It  leads to an existential crisis which begs the question – who are we now? Recent longitudinal studies on personality changes over time have indicated that one’s personality remains fairly consistent.  So, even when our circumstances change drastically, we can rely on our fundamental personality as a solid foundation when the ground under us feels unsteady.

Below is a guidepost for understanding the challenges of divorce through the lens of each type and ways to get through it.  I focused on several important factors when compiling and interpreting this information.  The first thing I examined  was how each personality type is impacted by stress in general. Divorce can be one of the most stressful processes in one’s life. I then looked at how each type copes under extreme stress which is sometimes referred to as “grip stress.” Grip stress can make one operate in the inferior function of their type. Next, I researched the most typical  problematic behaviors for each type when they are not functioning at their best.  Finally, I’ve examined what positive qualities each type can rely upon to help them through and behave in ways they can be proud of. This includes if they are parents, how they might best use their strengths to help their children through the divorce process. 

While each person and their particular divorce is absolutely unique, my hope is that this examination about Myers Briggs and divorce will be helpful nonetheless. 

INFJ through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

An intuitive and nurturing type, INFJs typically have a difficult time with conflict and struggle with self-care during stressful times. 

INFJ’s can be relentless perfectionists always striving for the ideal and are disappointed with themselves and others when this ideal isn’t reached.  

INFJ’s struggle to feel seen and understood. They are most likely to leave a relationship when their partner doesn’t get them in a deep and profound way. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

Since divorce is less than ideal for most and INFJ’s are no strangers to shame, divorce can easily trigger a sense of shame around failure when a marriage ends. This is particularly true for INFJ parents. Valuing a harmonious environment for their families and an idealistic vision for their kids, divorce can shatter this vision. 

INFJ’s normally rely on their creative, out-of-the-box thinking to solve problems. To perform well and make rational decisions, people need the correct balance of the brain chemicals norepinephrine and dopamine, according to David Rock, author of Your Brain at Work. When people get stressed, their bodies get flooded by these chemicals, putting them in a constant state of anxiety and fear. This limits their normal ability to use creative problem-solving.

As Deborah Ward writes in Truity’s article, “Why Stress Stops Creativity for INFJ’s and How They Can  Get it Flowing Again“

Under extreme stress, INFJs can fall into the grip of their inferior function, Extraverted Sensing, which makes the INFJ unable to think about their normal visionary ideas, be creative, or help others with their characteristic empathy. Instead, we become focused on moment-to-moment living and satisfying our cravings for sensory pleasures by overindulging in eating, drinking, sex and even risky behaviours that seem totally of character and ultimately make an INFJ feel miserable, disconnected and self-loathing.

In a high-conflict divorce, the values of an INFJ may also be tested. They normally find great joy in developing mutual solutions that work well for everyone. When pitted against the wishes of their spouse, INFJ’s are confronted with the conundrum of advancing their own wishes and their value of altruism. Fortunately, or unfortunately for the INFJ, however, once someone has wronged them and they feel justified in ending a relationship, they are done. Very little will change their mind.  

How their strengths may help them through:

INFJs at their best are forgiving, empathetic, and compassionate. If provided a sincere apology and changed behavior, an INFJ can open the door enough to continue to have a positive co-parenting relationship with their ex. 

Exhausted by details (INFJ’s are big picture people) it is best during the divorce process for INFJ’s to write down details to keep them from the exhaustion of remembering them. Keeping the big picture in mind can definitely be beneficial. Taking the high road during and after divorce proceedings will lead to a more harmonious future.

INFJ’s feel things deeply but through time and contemplation about why the relationship ended, they can and do move on with steady conviction. 

 

ENFJ through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

ENFJs are known for their leadership qualities and for strongly advocating for justice. When stressed or in conflict, they can be intense, sarcastic, impatient, rigid, and self-critical.

ENFJ’s need a good deal of validation and appreciation. They are most likely to leave a relationship when they see a chronic pattern of giving more to their partner than receiving. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

ENFJ’s are often deeply committed to their partners and their dreams, even at their own expense.  This  wholehearted investment can feel like a major betrayal when a spouse decides to end the marriage. 

ENFJ’s find that they experience the symptoms of stress quite acutely physically. Because of their external focus on others, their bodies must create loud signals to get the ENFJ to put the focus on internal matters.

ENFJ’s do not do well when they don’t feel that their ideas are being heard. In a high-conflict divorce, not being heard is a major trigger point for them. Getting wrapped up in other people’s feelings is also a challenge. ENFJ’s are encouraged to get in touch with their own experience and feelings and away from resting too heavily on the thoughts and feelings of their spouse. Because ENFJ’s take rejection even more personally than other types, they may need extra support and time to work through these hurt feelings. 

In grip stress, ENFJ’s become self-protective and feel a strong desire to numb out and withdraw.

How their strengths may help them through:

ENFJ’s are better than most types at reaching out for help from family and friends. Recognizing the need for help can be very beneficial during stressful times like divorce. 

As parents, ENFJ’s often feel a deep sense of purpose and responsibility for providing a loving and supportive home life for their kids. Because ENFJ’s do a great service to their children by teaching by good example, ENFJ’s understand the importance of continuing a healthy co-parenting relationship for the sake of their children.

INFP through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

INFP’s tend to be sensitive souls, adverse to conflict, eager to please, and emotionally vulnerable. 

When they feel someone disapproves of them, they can get fixated on changing that person’s mind about them. Their desire to please can drain their energy, and make them question themselves and their worth. They are one of  the most likely personality types to accept full responsibility when something goes wrong, even when it’s not their fault. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

Open and honest communication can be difficult for INFP’s and sometimes years of grievances can build-up for the INFP before they express their displeasure with their spouse. The silent treatment is a weapon that INFP’s are known for. 

Because INFP’s need extra time to process their feelings, being pushed too fast and quickly can make the INFP’s say things they regret later. 

INFP’s are less likely than other types to accept breaking up as the most reasonable response to a bad relationship.  If their spouse initiates the divorce, INFP’s can be in denial for quite some time. This can be harmful not only emotionally but financially as well. If divorce proceedings move forward and INFP’s don’t advocate for themselves, they may not do well in their divorce settlement. 

How their strengths may help them through:

INFP personalities are compassionate people who have an immense capacity to forgive others. This is true even of cheating ex-spouses. The ability to have goodwill with a co-parent is a huge gift to kids and INFP’s are more willing to compromise than other personality types.

ENFP through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

ENFP’s are lively, curious, perceptive, and generous at their best. When they are stressed however, they can find themselves adrift without focus, organization and too willing to please other people. They can also be fickle and undependable.

ENFP’s long for a deeply connected love and don’t do as well when they are single. They may avoid being alone and stay in unhealthy relationships longer than they should. They may see their partner as a project and are prone to control and manipulate when they don’t get their way. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

ENFP’s love the honeymoon phase of a relationship and are more restless than other types if things get too mundane or boring. They often hold up the ideal of love as something that is “meant to be” and become annoyed when a marriage becomes too much work. Housework, childcare and other routine things are issues that ENFP’s are likely to fight over with a spouse. 

Like other feeling types, dealing with conflict brings the ENFP enormous amounts of stress. Under grip stress, a normally healthy ENFP will seem more like an unhealthy ISTJ.  They will feel overwhelmed, out of control, unable to sort out their priorities, and inflexible. Not being able to get their “head on straight” is worrisome during divorce proceedings and may cause them to draw out the divorce way too long or make unwise decisions for the long term.

How their strengths may help them through:

ENFP’s are good-natured and optimistic. Leaning on optimism and seeing a bright future for themselves and their family can help them build a new life more quickly.  Social types, ENFP’s may also benefit from a divorce support group where they can share their feelings with others.

ENFP’s are more likely to treat their divorcing spouses how they want to be treated and this empathy can be a great gift to everyone. 

Wanting to get along with others will make them more congenial co-parents. ENFP’s are talented communicators and this will help them communicate more effectively with their ex and their kids. 

 

Biggest challenges:

ENTJ’s are driven leaders and when stressed or pushed can display arrogance and condescension. They have way of calling out others’ failures with a chilling degree of insensitivity.

ENTJ’s can be blunt communicators and prefer to focus on facts over feelings in their relationships.  

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

At the negotiating table, ENTJ’s are dominant, relentless, and unforgiving. With a more sensitive or emotional spouse they can be especially cruel and view emotion by the other as weakness. 

They can also be highly impatient and may try to push things faster than what their spouse feels comfortable with. Because they are driven by their heads and not hearts, ENTJ’s can be insensitive to what their partner asks for in a divorce settlement. ENTJ’s are driven to win and may lose sight of overall objective for a win. 

It will be helpful for a divorcing ENTJ and their spouse to follow explicit ground rules in a mediation and for the ENTJ to use restraint so that negotiations don’t go awry. 

How their strengths may help them through:

ENTJ’s are adept at handling conflict and are strategic thinkers. They can help come up with out of the box solutions for divorce that may be helpful to all involved. They are also highly efficient and will help keep the divorce process moving along. 

When an ENTJ sees that a relationship will not be beneficial to them long-term they have an easier time moving on to find a partner that is a better match.

INTJ through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

INTJ’s are known for their fierce independence and questioning the status quo. They generally trust their own opinion over others and make decisions without asking for input.

While they can be witty and feel genuinely bad about hurting others feelings, INTJ’s are not interested in social niceties and value honesty above all. This can make others feel that INTJ’s are insensitive and even rude. INTJ’s enjoy other people that they feel match their intellect and can be intellectual snobs at their worst.

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

INTJ’s are strategic chess players. Relying on strategy rather than chance, they contemplate the strengths and weaknesses of each move before they make it. When INTJ’s are divorcing, this approach can feel calculated and cold to their partner across the aisle.

INTJ’s can believe so intensely that their plan or idea is correct, they don’t see the flaws in their own arguments. They may be overly critical and dismissive of their partner’s needs and feelings. 

INTJ parents may also lose sight of their children’s emotional needs during a divorce, focusing on logistics instead. While married, INTJ’s may have relied more heavily on a feeling spouse to connect with their kids. Now alone, INTJ’s may need to work harder to form bonds and find shared activities to keep these relationships strong.

Under grip stress, an INTJ who is normally focused and insightful becomes panicky, obsessive and anxious. They are prone to misplace things, bump into things, and get frustrated by the physical world.

How their strengths may help them through:

INTJ’s are naturally curious and excellent researchers. They will try to formulate a plan based on facts and won’t come to a divorce uninformed. Knowing their rights and seeking answers will help an INTJ feel they were prepared for the steps along the way.

Because INTJ’s are more rational and cool-headed, they are less likely to allow strong emotions get the best of them.

INTP through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

Quiet, thoughtful, and analytical, INTP’s are reserved and can struggle with letting others in. INTP’s can be so much in their heads that they are disconnected from their feelings. This can lead to a build up of negative emotions like sadness and anger that can engulf them and others when finally released. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

INTP’s are much more comfortable with rational thought and logic and sometimes are lost when it comes to dealing with their own and their spouses emotional needs.  INTP’s can come across as insensitive and dismissive. Divorcing a spouse who is a strong “F” can be a particular kind of hell for each spouse in this pairing. 

INTP’s can be stuck in “analysis paralysis” more than other types which can make reaching a divorce settlement difficult. INTP’s are afraid to commit and regret and when big decisions are to be made, especially involving relationships with their children, they tend to spin their wheels. They also tend to stew about how a different path might have been better, not allowing them to fully accept their present reality. 

How their strengths may help them through:

INTP’s are naturally curious and open-minded. They are rational problem-solvers and can come up with creative out-of-the box solutions. While overthinking might get them stuck, they are highly motivated to problem solve. 

They believe that being honest is important and will be above board in settlements which will provide good will towards co-parenting relationships.

 

ENTP through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

While they can be entertaining and curious, ENTP’s are naturally rebellious and have a hard time following conventional rules and dealing with authority. Like their name, they love nothing more than a good debate. When in a relationship with a more subdued, conflict-avoidant type, their combativeness can get old quickly.

ENTPs can be obsessively focused on solving problems, and tend to worry too much when stressed. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

The spouse of an ENTP may tire quickly of having their beliefs questioned and their feelings brushed aside. ENTP’s under stress can be even less sensitive to others feelings and needs. 

Because of their strong desire to “win an argument” they may become relentless and uncompromising during the divorce process. 

In grip stress, a once broad and creative thinker, the ENTP vision becomes blurred and narrowed. They also may become overly serious and reserved.

As parents, ENTP’s might struggle with paying attention to the details and schedule which provide the consistency and comfort to their kids during a transitionary time. They would do well to call upon loved ones and/or a divorce coach to help them remember these things. 

How their strengths may help them through:

ENTP’s are resourceful and good at working under stress. They are flexible and handle change better than most types. Because they are natural problem-solvers they will not shy away from working through a divorce although they may struggle with paperwork and details. 

ENTP parents are fun-loving and spontaneous and can find fun activities and distractions to help kids during a time when some divorcing parents feel immobilized or depressed. 

ISFJ through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

ISFJ’s are highly relational and are always willing to lend a helping hand, even at their own expense. This makes them targets for getting taken advantage of.  ISFJ’s want to believe that if they behave perfectly, they will have the perfect relationship. This naivety can lead to great disappointment. 

They are more resistant to change than most types and will stay in unhealthy relationships and situations longer than they should. If the ISFJ experiences a great amount of instability in their marriage, they eventually will be the ones to end it. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

ISFJ’s struggle with self-care especially when they are stressed or feel like someone else really needs them. They are also sensitive to criticism and being rejected by a spouse or feeling like they are being taken advantage of in a divorce settlement is especially difficult for this type. When stressed,  ISFJ’s can become passive-aggressive instead of articulating their needs more assertively. 

Normally humble and non-confrontational, an ISFJ may not advocate for themselves as much as necessary. They may accept more of the blame for the relationship ending then due. They will do well have to have strong advocate in this process. 

In grip stress, the ISFJ may become overly pessimistic, scatter-brained and anxious. They have a hard time remembering details and may accidently blow off appointments and other commitments. 

How their strengths may help them through:

ISFJ parents are adept at creating stable, secure, and happy lives for their children and are good at paying attention to the details that make each child most comforted. 

While they are resistant to change, they are good in a crisis. They are talented at making long-lasting friendships and if they are willing to accept the kind of help they often offer, many people in their lives will come to assist.

ISFP through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

True free spirits, ISFP’s struggle with plans and long-term goals. This can include lack of planning around career goals, and financial planning. Commitment isn’t their strong suit and they are known for changing their minds on a whim.  This unpredictability can lead to turbulant relationships and outbursts by the ISFP.

ISFP’s avoid feeling controlled or manipulated at all costs. They are likely to leave a partner if they feel stifled or controlled. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

Since divorce is a legal process and settlements are essentially final, ISFP’s do not do well with both the details and considering the long-term impact of decisions during this time. They may come to the table with one plan and quickly change their minds the next time.

ISFP’s are sensitive to stress and are easily overwhelmed in situations with too much stimulation. They avoid conflict and take criticism especially hard.

Under grip stress, an ISFP may feel disconnected from their feelings and values. They get nitpicky about logic and assume the worst in others. 

How their strengths may help them through :

ISFP will do best right now to lean on those people in their lives who appreciate who they truly are. ISFP’s need a safe space to talk about their feelings and express themselves creatively. Getting back to their artistic roots will help an ISFP navigate a stressful time and put the fun back into the lives of their children. 

 

Biggest challenges:

ESFP’s, normally the life of the party, can be both flighty and bored easily. They shy away from conflict, preferring to do what’s fun instead of what’s necessary. When a partner no longer wants to engage in the fun or adventurous goals that the ESFP has, the ESFP will want to move on to find a partner who has the same zest for life they do. 

In grip stress the ESFP easily becomes tired and worried. They may avoid socializing and fixate on responsibilities and obsessively catastrophize. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

When stressed the usually fun ESFP may focus on the all the negative possibilities of their decisions and make them paranoid. Naturally indecisive, they may seem committed to one settlement option and then easily change their minds. 

ESFP’s are especially sensitive to criticism. They care deeply about what others think of them and want to make others happy. They will do best to talk through decisions with more steady friends and professionals before agreeing to anything that will affect them long-term. 

How their strengths may help them through:

When calm, ESFP’s are both practical and sensible.  They can make good rational decisions and rely on their senses to help others – including their children- through difficult times. Easily being in the moment, ESFP’s with support and effort, can get back to the fun and spontaneous people they are. 

Having excellent social skills, ESFP’s large support network can be a good support for them at this time.

ESFJ through divorce

 

 

Biggest challenges:

ESFJ’s can be wonderful friends to others, but forget about their own needs in the process. Highly relational and sensitive, they struggle more than other types when relationships end, blaming themselves and falling into negativity. 

When stressed, their desire to control outcomes is high and they can become highly inflexible. Less feelings types may struggle with the perceived neediness of an ESFJ under stress. 

 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

Natural caretakers and worriers, ESFJ’s aren’t great with self-care especially when they are stressed. They have a tendency to stretch themselves too thin. They don’t handle change well and may drag their feet in accepting that their marriage is over. 

Because ESFJ’s are conflict adverse and people-pleasers, they need to make sure they are advocating for themselves during the divorce process. When extremely stressed, they assume the worst in others and need to check in with others to make sure they are giving their spouse the benefit of the doubt. 

Many types struggle with their new single status but none more than the ESFJ. Traditionalists happy to be in a partnership condoned by society, having a marriage end can feel like a fall from grace. 

How their strengths may help them through:

Generous and reliable, ESFJ’s are good at remembering and implementing routines that they and their family members can find comfort in. 

Knowing how to take care of others, they will do well to turn this special focus on themselves right now and make sure they are taking good care of their own needs. 

ESTJ through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

ESTJ’s are natural leaders but can inflexible and stubborn, only seeing things their way. They can also be overly concerned with how others perceive them – wanting above else to appear competent.

ESTJ’s do not like to be in relationships with others who hold them back and this includes their spouse. ESTJ’s are likely to end a relationship with a spouse who does not support their individual goals.  

ESTJ’s are more comfortable with facts than feelings and can be insensitive to others when challenged. They can be rigid and serious, forgetting to slow down and relax. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

When paired with more sensitive partners, ESTJ’s can struggle with their partner’s need for emotional intimacy.  They are straight-forward and efficient communicators and can easily hurt their partners feelings with their bluntness. 

Compromise isn’t always the ESTJ’s strong suit, especially when they believe they are in the right. When negotiating a divorce settlement, ESTJ’s may dig in their heels and refuse to consider alternative offers. More concerned with their own success, ESTJ’s may need to step back and see how their spouses success may also meet their goals. 

How their strengths may help them through:

ESTJ’s take their commitments and roles seriously and have a sense of responsibility to make things right. An ESTJ is unlikely to leave an ex-partner destitute, especially if they are co-parenting a child together. 

ESTJ’s are organized and predictable. Getting through the paperwork and process is easier for this type and they are less likely to drag their feet. 

ESTJ’s may have an easier time moving on from a marriage and stay the course with their individual goals. 

ESTP through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

Social butterflies, the ESTP often act before they think, fixing mistakes as they go instead of using forethought. This impatience can lead to risky and impulsive behavior and negative consequences. They can be blunt and have a difficult time with emotions – theirs and others. Deep emotional connections aren’t usually as satisfying to this type and they may grow bored of a partner who demands this from them. 

ESTP’s are one of the most likely types to quickly end a relationship instead of putting in the hard work to see if it can last.  If they are married to someone who values conversation and analyzing what could be improved they will be a difficult partner to deal with. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

When dealing with legal agreements, ESTP’s need to slow down and use thinking partners, lest they agree to something they don’t really want long-term. Living in the moment, they often don’t see the big picture and the ramifications of important decisions in the long run. They bore easily and don’t like to sit still and may need to be told something several times to let it sink in. 

ESTP’s are direct communicators and good at pushing their agenda and ideas. They may need to step back and consider their spouses point of view and needs. They do not do well with authority figures and may find dealing with judges and social workers especially difficult. 

In grip stress, ESTP’s can be forgetful and unfocused, depressed and focus only on the negative. They may assume the worst intentions from their spouse and paranoid about getting screwed over. 

How their strengths may help them through:

ESTP’s are full of passion and energy and make things fun for themselves and others. They are out of the box thinkers and may find unique solutions to traditional problems faced by people who are divorcing. 

They are perceptive and good at noticing even the smallest changes in their children who may struggle through this transition. They make fun playmates and can keep their children busy with fun, spontaneous activities. ESTP’s are good at letting their kids be themselves. ESTP’s may need to do some extra work to emotionally bond with their hurting children, however. 

Adventurous, they may reenter the dating world with gusto and move on from past hurts more quickly. 

 

ISTP through divorce

 

Biggest challenges: 

The ISTP is quiet and unpredictable and while they allow others into their worlds, they have a tendency to be private and independent. They tend to value things over people. They don’t like to be pushed into commitment and may see a heavier feeling type to be needy and smothering. 

While rational, the ISTP can be impulsive and often changes their mind. They can lack the commitment to one project or person when they are bored which leads to chaos in their relationships. They also lack boundaries and can misread social cues which many other types find frustrating. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

When challenged, the ISTP is more likely that other types to dig in their heels and forget to use sensitivity to their partner’s needs. When bored, they are more likely to engage in risky behavior forgetting the impact on others. 

They may lack the commitment and communication to negotiate a settlement that will be good for their long-term future. They feel uncomfortable with feelings and more businesslike and less sensitive to a spouse during a divorce process. 

Under grip stress, The ISTP may feel disorganized and have trouble concentrating. They may take things especially personally and wonder if they are lovable. 

ISTP’s may not do the emotional processing needed after a divorce to gain understanding and insight into their own role and behavior. 

How their strengths may help them through:

While ISTP’s may not always get emotions, they are great in a crisis and know how to prioritize. Natural doers, they know how roll up their sleeves and get the job done. ISTP’s are less prone to stress, living in the moment and not worrying as much about the future.

ISTP’s have the ability to end their relationships on a more positive note because they are less likely to use nasty tactics during the divorce. 

Naturally optimistic, they may be the calm parent in the storm that their kids need during this time. Their fun and hands on style will help kids bond to their ISTP parent after the divorce. 

ISTJ through divorce

 

Biggest challenges:

ISTJ’s are traditional and appreciate structure. They do not appreciate others who try to bend the rules or manipulate situations for their personal gain. They can be rigid and judgmental when challenged. 

ISTJ’s are most likely to end a relationship if they feel that trust has been broken or if their partner isn’t fulfilling the duties they agreed to. 

Where divorce collides with their weaknesses:

ISTJ’s may view a less traditional or structured spouse as lazy or dishonest. Prone to resentment, the ISTJ isn’t always good at voicing their feelings and can let this resentment build over time.

ISTJ’s are good at the negotiating table – relying on fairness and their feelings of responsibility. Able to rely on reason, they can treat a marriage ending much like a business relationship ending. 

They would be wise to get in touch with difficult feelings that divorce brings up as they naturally shy away from feelings and are prone to depression when their feelings are ignored or go unprocessed.  This type may take a divorce particularly hard, seeing it a failure to their commitment to their partner and children. 

How their strengths may help them through:

ISTJ’s value integrity and being true to their word. They are reliable and practical, making them steadfast in a crisis and under stress. 

They are also loyal and take their commitments seriously including setting up a comfortable and safe home for their children post divorce. This is a good time for ISTJ’s to remember how difficult divorce can be for their kids, and loosen up the strict regiments they often have. 

 
Looking for a coach to help you see your blind spots and capitalize on your strengths during a divorce? Want a deeper understanding about how your Myers Briggs type will impact you during a stressful divorce? Please contact me – I look forward to working with you!
June 12, 2022

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Ask Divorce Coach  ·  Co-Parenting  ·  Family  ·  Grief  ·  Single Mom
Ask Divorce Coach – January 2022

This one is all about telling your spouse you want a divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I’ve been married for almost ten years and just can’t stand to be with my husband anymore. He drives me absolutely crazy and brings out the worst in me. I have felt dead inside for years. We have one child who is eight. I’m embarrassed to admit this but I’ve also been having an affair for the last few months. This experience made me realize that I am capable of loving someone and that I can feel something again although I don’t see it as anything lasting long-term. Do I really need to disclose this? What do I need to think about before I tell my husband I want a divorce?

– Alive Again

Dear Alive Again,

While I believe honesty (kind honesty) is usually best, you will also want to do some research regarding your state’s divorce laws, particularly in light of the affair. You may also want to speak to an attorney in your state first. Here are some specific things to look up and talk to an attorney about:

  1. Do you live in an “at-fault” state?
  2. What does it mean if you are the one to move out?
  3. What is typical in terms of child custody and child support?
  4. How does spousal maintenance (or alimony work?)

Some other important things to understand before proceeding would be having a firm understanding of your family finances, knowing how to access all accounts, and thinking about where everyone will live and what it would take if one of you wants to keep the house. I would also give some strong consideration to how you will tell your child and how what you want in place to make this transition as smooth as possible for them. Working with a divorce coach can be a game-changer both emotionally and financially during this difficult time. Best of luck!

 

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Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband and I have had a loveless marriage for the last five years. While the first 15 years were good, we are essentially roommates now. We tried marriage counseling a few years back but stopped going because he didn’t like what she had to say. We don’t communicate well at all and although he is probably thinking the same thing, we haven’t actually talked about separation or divorce. It’s going to be a big change for us and I’m not even sure how I want to bring it up or what to say.

– Lost for words

Dear Lost for Words,

Telling your spouse you want a divorce can be difficult in any circumstance.  This is someone who has been a major part of your life for a long time. Even when things are less than ideal, we can find comfort in situations that are familiar or give us what we expect.  Any major conversation is best had when both parties are well-rested and are not distracted by something else going on in their environment. Assuming that you feel safe with your husband, the conversation is best had in a private space like your home and done face-to-face. If you do not feel safe, then a phone conversation or even a letter is appropriate.

Next, you will need to decide how much you want to share about the reasons for your decision. It’s also a good idea to think about what you do not want to say, like things you’ll regret later, mean-spirited things you can’t take back, etc. I would also read what I wrote to the last letter writer. Some people approach this conversation wanting to impose the most hurt possible. I urge you to pause and take some time if this is your motivation. Divorce proceedings are unlikely to go well if the stage is set poorly in the beginning.

On the receiver’s end, most people want to know what went wrong in the marriage as it helps them to move forward. I encourage you to own your own part in what happened and to be clear about what you want. Giving mixed signals about whether the initial separation is temporary vs permanent can lead to a lot of anxiety and anger. The clearer you are about how you want to proceed the better. I’ve worked with a number of women to help them tell their husbands and I urge you to hire a coach or talk to a therapist to help you gain this clarity.

 

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January 30, 2022

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Ask Divorce Coach  ·  Co-Parenting  ·  Family  ·  Grief  ·  Single Mom
Ask Divorce Coach – November

This one is all about telling your kids you’re getting a divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I decided years ago I wanted a divorce but have waited until the kids are grown and out of the house. That day has finally come. My son is 20 and my daughter is 18 and off to college. I don’t think they will be terribly surprised by my news – my husband and my relationship has been strained for a long time and they don’t have a close relationship with him either. However, I am feeling so much anxiety and I’m not sure what to say, when to say it, or what to do with the stuff they still have in the house. Do you have any advice about telling the kids about the divorce?

– Mom of adult kids

Dear Mom of Adult Kids,

I’ve had a number of clients who I’ve helped communicate to their adult children about their desire for separation and divorce. It can be difficult to know what to share and what not to share with your adult kids. First, I think it’s important to consider your relationship with each child, what kind of communication works best with them within the context of your relationship, and how this conversation might set the stage for your relationship in the future. No matter what their age, most children do not want to see their parents divorce. In your case, if their relationship is strained with their dad, they may have mixed feelings. Either way, allowing them to have and express whatever feelings they do have when you tell them, is the best gift you can give them. In-person is also best, but if your kids are not close in proximity and you don’t want to wait until you will see them again, a video call (zoom, FaceTime, etc.) is next best. Timing is important – make sure that you are both in a physical and emotional space to talk and listen. Planning the call in advance can help with that. In terms of the content of your message, working that out and even doing a role play with a divorce coach can be extremely helpful. If that isn’t an option, I recommend at the least using these concepts to guide you: brief, kind and address how it will affect them.  In your explanation, do not disparage your husband or overshare the intimate details of your marriage. If they have questions, think ahead of time about what boundaries you will want to enforce. Also, be prepared that they may have some guilt if they put two and two together about the fact that you’ve remained in an unhappy marriage due to them. Reminding them that this is your decision and feels like the right time for YOU is key. Encourage them to continue to have whatever relationship they’d like with their dad (but be clear that you won’t be in the middle) and that time during holidays and special events can be worked out fairly in the future. As for their stuff, ask them directly what they’d like for you to do. Good luck!

 

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Dear Divorce Coach,

I have young kids (5 and 7) and my husband and I are getting a divorce.  He told me recently that he had a brief affair with a co-worker. On top of that, he got a great promotion but the new position is across the country.  He desperately wants us to move to the new city with him so he can see the kids regularly, but my family is here and I have no interest in uprooting our lives. I’m so angry with him about the affair and I’m sure that’s affecting my feelings about doing anything that might be helpful to him too. The kids have seen us fight a lot these last few months and know that something is up. I know it’s wrong to tell them what a jerk their dad is and that a job is more important to him than they are but I also don’t want them to think I’m doing this to them on purpose. How do I tell the kids and keep my anger out of it?

– Angry mama

Dear Angry Mama,

I’m so sorry you’re in such a tough spot. It sounds like you feel very angry, hurt, and I am guessing a good deal of rejection from the news of his affair. It feels incredibly sad when we are abandoned by someone we love. I think understanding this link – being abandoned = hurt and rejection can guide you in understanding how your kids might feel about the news that their dad is leaving. As a mom, we often put our own feelings aside to be a soft place for our kids to land when they are hurting. It doesn’t mean that you can’t share all of your most honest feelings with your friends and family and get the support you need. I highly recommend that you trust your intuition and do your best to leave that out of your conversations with your kids, however.  The affair happened in your marriage, not in their parent-to-child relationship. Someday they might learn about it, but your relationship with them will be better if this information does not come from you. If you have decided to stay put in your community, then it is up to your husband to decide whether he is willing to move or not. For your kids’ sake, having as good of a relationship with him as possible will benefit them now and in the future.  I encourage you to help facilitate that as much as possible, despite your anger with him. In terms of sharing the news with them, if possible, it’s best for it to come from both of you. Working with a divorce coach to find the right words can be helpful. Best of luck!

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November 30, 2021

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Ask Divorce Coach  ·  Co-Parenting  ·  Dating  ·  Divorce and the holidays  ·  Family  ·  Grief  ·  Single Mom
Ask Divorce Coach – September

This one is all about divorce and the holidays. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I got divorced last year and this is the first year I’ll be spending Thanksgiving without my kids. Even though it’s a few months away, I can’t help but feel so much grief and anger about it.  My ex-husband wanted the divorce and while I’ve worked through a lot of hard feelings, this brings it right back to the surface. How do I get through this incredibly hard time?

– I hate divorce and the holidays

Dear Hating Divorce,

Divorce has a way of bringing all kinds of emotions to the surface and the holidays are definitely no exception. Because Thanksgiving is still a few months away, I wonder if you’d considered how’d you like to spend the actual day? I’m sure it’s hard to think about making plans without your kids but my experience tells me that no plan is often the hardest for the first-holiday season post-divorce. When I say “plan” I don’t necessarily mean a plan to spend it with others (although it can help) but not making a conscious choice that will lead to a defacto “alone” day. If you decide to make a choice to spend it by yourself, that’s fine. As for the emotions, I think it’s good, although unpleasant, to feel all of your emotions instead of bottling them up. Working with a divorce coach or a therapist can help you manage your thoughts and emotions so you don’t feel engulfed by them or take them out on others. The first holidays after divorce are very difficult for most people – you will survive them, but having support from friends, family, and professionals is very much advised.

 

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Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-husband has a new girlfriend and he wants to incorporate her into our holiday traditions this year with our kids. We’ve had a decent co-parenting relationship the last few years but this new development is making me uneasy and my kids aren’t handling it well either. I guess we are a bit unusual in that since the divorce we’ve spent Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas day every year all-together including my parents who are local. They think I’m crazy to even consider having her be a part of our holidays. I feel like there are so many people with so many big feelings about this and I’m caught up in the middle. What do you think I should do?

– New girlfriend for Christmas?

Dear New Girlfriend,

Wow, that is a lot of people to manage! Here is something you may not have thought of but will hopefully give you a lot of relief. While you are responsible for your own feelings and working out the details and your boundaries for holiday events this year, you are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions. Period. So I encourage you to get clear about what you want, what is most child-centered and let the other adults deal with it. This is a foreign concept for a lot of women. If you fall into this category and find yourself often making decisions to please others, it will feel uncomfortable. Maybe you don’t even know what you want? You will also want to obviously check what your parenting plan says – does it specify who gets what holiday time with the kids? While you haven’t relied on it so far (which has been such a great thing for the kids, I’m sure) you may need to revisit it and decide if you’d rather split up your time this year. If that is the case, then you really have no say over what your ex does with his holiday. Does that feel worse than including her if your ex is agreeable? It’s a very personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. Since y0u have a history of a good co-parenting relationship with your ex, I also encourage you to think about how putting aside your own feelings (assuming she treats your kids respectfully) might serve your kids and the co-parenting relationship in the long run. Someday, you may also have a partner you’d like to be in the mix, and any groundwork you do now will only help to benefit you in the future.

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September 30, 2021

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Ask Divorce Coach – May

This one is all about dealing with difficult exes and divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-husband has been out of work since April 2020 and his behavior is really starting to concern me. He was prone to depression when we were married but always got out of bed. Now he only gets out of bed to grab the kids and rarely engages with them when he has them. I have primary custody so they don’t spend a lot of time with him, but he does have them every other weekend. The kids (9 and 8) are telling me that the whole place smells, he only gets them fast food and doesn’t enforce bedtime. I am concerned for my kids and honestly for him. What can I do?

– Worried mama

Dear Worried Mama,

I hear how concerned you are for both your kids and for your ex. It is hard to see someone stop taking care of themselves and fall into a cycle of depression, especially when this is someone you rely on to take care of your kids. You didn’t mention if you’ve tried to speak with him, but I’d encourage you to try that route first. Come from a place of compassion and point out what the kids have noticed with as little judgment as possible. See if he’s willing to get help from a therapist or psychiatrist. If he is unwilling, ask him if he feels he can care for your kids. You may need to make a tough decision about getting more time with your kids until he is able to care for them.  If you feel your kids are in danger, and he is unwilling to make any changes, you may want to talk to your attorney about the custody situation. In the meantime, let your kids know that their dad is unwell right now, that he loves them and that in time you hope he will get better.

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Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-husband and I don’t see eye-to-eye when it comes to our kids spending time with his family. Since he’s gotten a new girlfriend, our son is often left with his parents for overnights. I’ve never liked his mom – she is extremely religious (and I am not) and conservative and is teaching him things that I don’t agree with. When he comes back to my house, I hear all about how he was forced to go to church, how being gay is a sin and how overblown Covid is. It makes me want to pull all my hair out. I’ve gotten into it several times with my ex but he says I’m getting worked up over nothing. What can I do?

– Grandma Hater

Dear Grandma Hater,

Unfortunately, when we get divorced and have kids, we still have to deal with our ex’s family, at least to a certain extent. When I read your comments, I’m left wondering how your son feels about all of this. Does he like going to church? Is he bummed that he doesn’t get more time with his dad? Does he like spending time with his grandparents? If you don’t know how he feels, I encourage you to find out. Depending on his age, you may encourage him to speak to his dad about his feelings. That will go a lot further than you arguing with your ex about your feelings.

Unless there is something explicit in your parenting plan about what is allowed (or not allowed), you may have to find a way to deal with some of these issues. Modeling and speaking to your son directly about your own values is one thing that is in your control. You could have a chat with your ex’s mom but I have a feeling based on what you said she’s got a pretty strong opinion that is in direct opposition to yours. If you do approach her, appeal to her mom-to-mom and ask her nicely if she’d be willing to consider holding her tongue with some of her rhetoric around your son.  Dealing with difficult exes is hard work, keep your chin up!

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Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-wife has primary custody of our three kids. We got divorced three years ago and she has switched careers. She recently told me that she’s going to move of state for a better job in the Fall. I absolutely do not want her to move. I have a business here and it would be hard for me to leave my aging parents. The thought of not seeing my kids every week is devastating. I can hardly even process this. How can I get through this?

– Devasted Dad

Dear Devasted Dad,

What a difficult situation! My heart goes out to you. Since it’s not yet Fall, you have some time to think about what your options are. While it is emotionally difficult to think about, I do encourage you to take this time for both your sake and your kids’ sake and carefully contemplate each option. If you decide to stay, you could consider a travel schedule (for you or the kids) or come up with a less conventional schedule where you have the kids during the summer and/or holidays. Is it possible for you to live some months or weeks in the other location and work remotely? There are Airbnb’s that cater to such situations. If you move to where they are, what are the chances that your ex-wife will move again? What are your job prospects? Can you afford a place that your kids can stay with you? Who else can help out with your aging parents? I have probably given you enough to chew on with that. I encourage you to hire a divorce coach if you need further support through this difficult situation.

May 31, 2021

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Ask Divorce Coach – April

This one is all about kids and divorce. Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My partner and I have decided to separate. We’ve tried couples counseling with several therapists, gone on a couples retreat and even tried to open our marriage but nothing has worked. We constantly disagree and the tension is getting horrible in the house. We have tween twins and I am terrified to tell them that we have failed in our relationship and they must now deal with two households. We’ve read some books on kids and divorce but I am left with more questions than answers as there is conflicting advice in these books. At this point, I am not sure what to say (and what not to say). Do you have any tips?

– Terrified moms

Dear Terrified Moms,

First I want to commend you on coming together on this issue. It sounds like you both desire a good outcome for your kids through the separation of your household. It is totally normal to approach this conversation with some fear and trepidation. Dealing with kids and divorce can be tricky and sometimes it’s hard to find the exact words. I do have some ideas about what you want to communicate to the kids and I recommend you all sit down together at a time when you are well-rested and have the space to process questions they may have. Here are some of the basics you want to communicate:

  1. This divorce is not your fault. There is nothing about you or your behavior that has contributed to this decision to split.
  2. We will always love you and be your moms.
  3. You will not have to act as the go-between between us. We will communicate directly with each other.
  4. You have a right to your feelings about this separation/divorce. We will listen to and acknowledge your feelings openly without getting defensive.
  5. You are safe and we will try to make this transition as smooth as possible. We will inform you of upcoming changes and maintain your schedule as much as possible.

Here are things you want to avoid:

  1. Telling the kids too many details of why the romantic relationship has ended. You want to be honest, but you can be brief. “We don’t get along anymore and have tried hard to make it work, but we feel it is best to separate” is good enough.
  2. Blaming each other. This is about change, not blame. While you may have strong feelings about who is the catalyst for the split or who made hurtful mistakes in the relationship, keep this out of this and all conversations with your kids.

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Dear Divorce Coach,

My wife and I are having issues co-parenting our son after our divorce. We have totally different ideas about what he needs from the amount of time on technology to what kinds of activities we want him in. For example, she has signed him up for soccer and he hates any kind of group sports. When a practice day falls on my day, I just don’t take him and this makes him happy. He confides in me about how much his mom doesn’t get our mutual interest in gaming and I tell him she never got me either.  It seems to be bonding us together more. His mom also demands that he showers at least once when he’s at my house but I cave when he doesn’t want to. I don’t think it’s that important. I know it would be good for us to work together but I don’t want to follow her ridiculous rules. What do you think?

– Freedom loving dad

Dear Freedom Loving Dad,

You clearly want to have a good relationship with your son and spend time with him which is great. Being a single parent can be challenging and so is co-parenting with an ex that you don’t see eye to eye with.  However, several of the things you have said concern me and I want to give you some things to consider.

For issues like taking a shower, ask yourself if you would make the same parenting decision if you were still in one household or if you were the only household. It sounds like you recognize that you are giving in when he doesn’t want to do something, but I also wonder if you are getting a charge from defying your ex-wifes’ wishes. Focusing on his needs and not want you get from it will keep you more child-focused.

Second, as tempting as it is and bonding it might feel to you, don’t make your child your confidant. Kids don’t need to deal with adult problems, especially when they involve their other parent. Telling him your ex-wife doesn’t understand you is not appropriate.  It borders on putting down your ex.  Kids love their parents and identify parts of themselves with their parents. When you start saying negative things about a parent, the child can feel like this is a reflection on them as well. It creates shame and guilt and an unhealthy identity for the child.

It sounds like you might need to have a polite conversation with your ex-wife about your feelings around activities and household rules. While it is great for kids to have rules be the same across households, there may be a place of compromise on some issues.

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Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband and I have explosive fights around the kids. I try not to react so strongly but when he comes at me I need to defend myself. We don’t get physical but the yelling is pretty bad. My kids seem afraid of my husband sometimes and I don’t blame them. We haven’t really talked about divorce but my kids have asked me several times if we are getting divorced. I’m not sure that divorce is the answer. I think it would do more damage than good. Am I wrong?

– Fighting mom

Dear Fighting Mom,

Many studies that involve kids and divorce have shown that it’s the conflict around kids that causes the most damage, not the divorce. Kids are powerless to do anything about the fights they witness and many spend their time trying to be peaceful mediators, play the adult or perfect kid, and fix things for their parents. Your kids have already expressed fear of your husband and know that the conflicts have gotten intense. I urge you to take the fighting away from the kids whether you are still together or you separate.

May 17, 2021