Dealing with a difficult ex Archives

Ask Divorce Coach

Ask Divorce Coach – November

Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce and separation advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I have been separated from my husband for three months and he has been a nightmare! He’s constantly sending me volatile texts saying how bad of a person I am and how he wishes we’d never gotten married. It’s very emotionally triggering and I wish I could just get him to stop. We share three kids and need to coordinate their schedules so I can’t completely ignore him. What should I do?

– Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,

Divorce and separation are hard enough when you are dealing with a cooperative ex, and just plain awful when they are volatile. While I get that you must reply when it concerns the kid’s schedules, you by no means should reply when the texts do not concern your kids. In fact, I urge you to take the high road and don’t reply especially when you are triggered. If you anticipate any custody disputes, you may want to take a screenshot of the texts and then don’t look at them again. Talk to a coach, therapist or friend about the feelings that come up during these interactions so that you don’t stuff your hurt feelings. When you do need to respond to your ex, I highly suggest you use the BIFF method by Bill Eddy. Biff stands for:

Brief
Informative
Friendly
Firm

It’s understandable that you’d want to blast back at your ex when he’s being unkind, but you need to understand what is at stake if you do. The more hostile parents are to each other during this time, the more it hurts their kids. When two people can’t resolve things on their own, attorneys step in to mediate and correspond and that gets expensive. I wish you the best of luck and hang in there!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex-husband and I just finalized our divorce. I didn’t have much contact with his family during the separation which was painful as we’ve had a lovely relationship during our 20-year marriage. I was particularly close to his younger sister. Last week she reached out to me to say that she hopes we can continue a friendship. She lives in another state so we wouldn’t be getting together but it seems she wants to continue to chat on the phone. I feel conflicted as my ex has fewer close relationships than I do and I don’t want to steal away his sister. On the other hand, I really miss her. What’s the etiquette for relationships with your exes family?

– Ex sister-in-law

Dear Ex sister-in-law,

I think it’s very kind that you are considering your exes feelings and how he can be supported. You don’t mention if either you or his sister have kids, but this is definitely a factor in how I would advise you. If you have nieces and nephews (or if you have kids) it makes more sense that you’d maintain a relationship with her. Kids often feel a major sense of loss during divorce and separation and helping them maintain a relationship with your exes family is appropriate. Hopefully, your ex will do the majority of that groundwork but that isn’t a given. Some divorced couples I know continue to attend birthday parties and holiday gatherings with their exes family. This can be a healthy and wonderful thing for their kids.

In terms of a personal relationship with your exes sister, I would follow your initial gut reaction and talk to your ex first. If there is hesitation or outright refusal, honor the boundary. Tell his sister that while you value her and your past relationship that you need to ease off a closer relationship. If he’s fine with you maintaining a closer relationship with her, see if she’ll agree to some ground rules. At a minimum, agree that you will not discuss your ex and his past or current behavior (unless it poses a threat to someone’s safety). Also agree that what you discuss is confidential. If all of this seems daunting or impossible then you might want to reconsider. Think about the dynamics of your past relationship as well. Did most of your conversation revolve around the problems in your marriage? Do you have other things in common that would warrant a continued close relationship? How well does each of you maintain boundaries in relationships?

Loss is a sad and common theme in divorce. Losing another friend to the fallout is difficult. I hope that your other friendships remain strong and thanks for writing in.

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband of a few years told me during a tearful conversation that he is gay. I feel totally betrayed. While he was honest before we got married about a few short-term relationships with men, he also assured me that our monogamous relationship was what he wanted. We are now getting divorced. My well-meaning friends and family keep making comments about how the rejection is less personal because it’s not about me but about him. I find this infuriating. I don’t want to totally lose it and scare off the people who are trying to support me through this – what should I say to them?

– Just as bad

Dear Just as bad,

I am so sorry you are going through this. No matter what the reason is for a person leaving a marriage, it’s still painful to the one being left. You mention that your friends and family are well-meaning so you already have some recognition that they are not trying to hurt you or make matters worse. I find people will often say whatever they can to help relieve the pain of their loved ones. Unfortunately, these comments don’t always land well and make the receiver feel that they shouldn’t be suffering as much as they are. I can imagine if you dissect what they are really trying to tell you, it would be something like this: I know you are hurting and it’s hard to watch. Maybe you are blaming yourself but if he’s gay then this can’t be your fault. You aren’t being left because there is something wrong with you.” If you can assume this is what someone means when they make that comment, you can reply in kind. Try something like, “Thank you for trying to make me feel better but honestly, that doesn’t help. I still feel an incredible amount of pain over the betrayal and the reason doesn’t make me feel any different about my loss. I really appreciate your support.” You may also come to realize through this that some people are less able to sit with you through your pain. Find a few trusted support people who can.

November 30, 2020

Ask Divorce Coach

Ask Divorce Coach – October

Ask Divorce Coach is Women’s Divorce Coach’s divorce advice column. Have a question? Send it to Cindy here. It’s anonymous!

Dear Divorce Coach,

I have been separated from my husband for six months, and I’m getting pretty lonely. I know I probably shouldn’t date yet, but I really want to have some fun and I know that he is dating (my single friend saw him on a dating app). The thought of him meeting someone first is really difficult. At this point, I question my attractiveness and I just want to show him (and prove to myself!) that other people find me attractive. Can you tell me why I should wait?

– Lonely in Seattle

Dear Lonely in Seattle,

I hear that you are dealing with the pain and conflicting feelings from the fallout of your marriage. When a relationship ends, it can feel like a painful rejection and often people question their attractiveness and worth. I encourage you to see the question of your attractiveness as a reflection of your disconnection in the relationship and not a reflection of your actual attractiveness and worth. I also understand your motivation to get this validation from someone new. Even if someone told you how attractive you are, would you believe them? Instead of focusing on what others can give you right now, I encourage you to use this time to focus on and love yourself. When you are ready to date, you will be less likely to question other’s attraction to you because you will have done the work on yourself and feel more confident. When we are hungry for external validation we are also more likely to attract partners who take advantage of us and make us more willing to accept breadcrumbs.

Seeing or thinking about your husband with someone else will understandably bring up tons of emotions. I know many people who have treated finding a new love as a competitive sport with their ex. I highly discourage you from playing this painful game. Again, I encourage you to focus on yourself right now and not on what he is doing. Most people who date during separation do so to avoid the incredible grief they are feeling. Unfortunately, this grief is not something we can just wish away. It must be contended with or it will show up like an unwelcome present when we least expect it. Think of dating now like a band-aid. It may make you feel better in the short term but in the long term, you are robbing yourself of the healing you truly need to be ready to bring another person into your life again.

Dear Divorce Coach,

I just got out of an abusive relationship and although I’m proud of myself for finally leaving, I feel a lot of shame for being in a relationship where I was emotionally and at times, physically abused. On top of that, my friends and family who encouraged me to leave are no longer providing me the support I was hoping for now that I’ve left. I feel so needy and am scared I am too much of a burden. How do I move forward alone?

– Needing Support

Dear Needing Support,

First, I want to say how brave you are to have left a relationship that was caused you so much pain. The cycle of abuse is complicated, and so is the attachment to an abuser. I highly recommend you find a support group for women who have left abusive relationships and/or a therapist or coach for ongoing support. This may alleviate some of the deeper levels of support you desire from friends and family.

Next, let’s talk about your shame. Please know that what you are feeling is common. Shame is like an ugly monster that thrives on silence. The more we try to ignore it, the louder and bigger it becomes. Many divorcing people report feeling shame and so do many abuse survivors. Unfortunately, you may be getting a double helping of it right now. I encourage you to share your feelings of shame with trusted friends and/or support people and don’t suffer in silence. Brené Brown has some really good books and talks on the subject of shame, and I highly encourage you to check them out.

Lastly, I really wish for all of us that there was a playbook for friends and family to support us during a divorce. For most of us, divorce feels much like a death. Divorce is about loss and the grief that accompanies it can be profound. The instructions for support are clearer when someone has passed. We get showered with support, people bring us meals, lend a listening, non-judgmental ear, etc. During a divorce, often even the best-intentioned people have no clue how to support us and ultimately do nothing. Knowing that people are well-meaning and care about you, you may need to be upfront about how they can support you. Please don’t suffer in silence and take good care!

Dear Divorce Coach,

My ex and I divorced five years ago when my son was eight. Recently his teacher asked her students to write a self-reflection paper about a difficult time in their lives and how they persevered. While it is not uncommon for my son to have me proofread his papers, I was surprised that had me proofread this one. The situation he chose to write about was the divorce. He revealed things he’d never told me. I am glad he is acknowledging his painful feelings but I am confused about this format and I am feeling a ton of guilt again. A big part of me wants to avoid a conversation with him since he didn’t bring this to me directly but I know that’s probably the wrong thing to do?

– Confused Mom

Dear Confused Mom,

It can be painful to be confronted with the feelings our children have about our divorce. You mentioned that you are feeling a ton of guilt (again) and that tells me that it would do you some good to talk through your own painful feelings surrounding your divorce. Feeling guilty and wondering how our divorce will impact our kids long-term is very common. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son and I’m actually not surprised he decided to share his feelings with you in this way. If you put yourself in his shoes and think about having a direct conversation without someone you love about how a decision they made impacted you, how do you feel?

Let’s examine this further. What is your son telling you by asking you to proofread this paper? First, he is telling you that he is in touch with the feelings he has surrounding the divorce and is not bottling them up. That’s a great thing! Second, he is telling you that he trusts you to read his thoughts. That tells me that he feels secure in your relationship. Third, I am also guessing he completed the part of the assignment where he detailed how he persevered. I urge you to read it carefully and put as much weight on this information as the rest. It is so easy to be blinded by our own feelings that we laser in on the negative and ignore the positive.

You didn’t say exactly what he shared so I am assuming that it wasn’t anything too alarming. But if I am wrong about this, I highly encourage you to reach out to a school counselor, a child therapist or perhaps a family therapist. Regardless, I don’t think you’ll feel good about avoiding a conversation with your son. Additionally, as the adult and the emotional leader in your household, you owe it to him to open the door at the very least. This can be something as simple as “Hey, thanks for letting me proof your paper and for sharing some of your feelings about the divorce. I noticed you said “….” is there anything specific regarding that you’d like to talk more about with me? He may say “no” feel and feel the conversation is complete. Remind him that if something else comes up, you always want to hear his thoughts.

October 26, 2020

Co-Parenting · Family

Co-Parenting During the Coronavirus

Co-parenting can be challenging in the best of times, but how about during the worst of times? I’ve always been proud of the post-divorce relationship I’ve built with my kids’ dad. It’s civil, it’s boundaried and it’s forever focused on our kid’s best interests. What I did not expect was how challenging co-parenting during the Coronavirus could become. Getting on the same page when it comes to social distancing, wearing masks, etc. has been hard work and has taken a lot of direct communication of our views and values.

Important Questions for You & Your Co-Parent

Schedule

Is it in your child's best interest to keep your parenting schedule as is during this time?
Does one parent’s household contain a member who is at high-risk of obtaining the virus?
Is one parent suddenly unemployed or have more time off that can accommodate more childcare?
Does one parent's job put them at more risk for contracting the virus?
Should you consult your attorney before informally altering your schedule?
Is one parent more equipped to handle homeschooling?

Public Health Guidelines

When co-parenting during the Coronavirus, how can you work together to come up with specific rules for the kids about play dates, social gatherings, going out to eat or unnecessary travel?
Can you agree to inform each other of other people that you have come into contact with outside of the grocery store, etc?
How will you decide what messages the kids will hear from you kids about what is going on in the scary world around them?
What will the rules be around handwashing, wearing masks, etc?

The Really Akward Stuff

Having a healthy co-parenting relationship usually works best when you have good boundaries. There are things you would not normally discuss with your ex that may need to be more out in the open during this time. By this I mean your private life – like who you are coming in contact with (dates, boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. ) especially if they are in a high risk profession or have suffered a possible exposure. While the thought of such conversation might make you cringe, if they involve the safety of your child(ren) I highly encourage you to have them. You don’t need to give explicit details – just tell them when the possible exposure happened and your concerns about the risk.

Co-parenting During the Coronavirus – When you Don’t Agree

If you find yourself in the position of not agreeing about a certain rule or parenting arrangement during this time, you are not alone. During stressful, uncertain times, people’s ability to communicate effectively and unemotionally goes way down. Throw in feeling defensive about the safety or freedom of your children, and the stakes are even higher. Knowing this, see if you can give both yourself and your co-parenting partner a little more grace. Attacking or belittling your ex will not help, and if anything it may make them dig their heels in more. Try to see what middle ground you both can find and work from there. If your ex doesn’t agree that your kids should wear a mask in public places, explain what your concerns are and try to listen to their side with curiousity instead of defensiveness. You may ultimately not agree on the rule, but being heard, and listening are more important now than ever.

Need help communicating your feelings to your ex? Want a nuetral third party to help you talk to each other about these issues? Feel free to contact me.

May 27, 2020